We ordered Chinese food for dinner, as we've packed up our entire house and nothing left out to cook with. When I was done, it was time to read my fortune cookie.
It stated,"The strengths in your Character will bring you serenity."
Funny... because, "The weaknesses in my character were bringing me chaos" today as we were doing final packing and getting ready to move tomorrow! Perhaps serenity will come when I'm unpacked and decorated for Christmas!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Deal with it!
As we are busy packing, our 4 year old yells, "Somebody wipe my bum!"
Chris responds,"We are busy, you are going to have to deal with it yourself."
She states, "I don't want to deal with it."
As we laughed we realized how true this statement rings for most of us...
We don't want to deal with our own shit, we'd prefer someone else to deal with it!
Chris responds,"We are busy, you are going to have to deal with it yourself."
She states, "I don't want to deal with it."
As we laughed we realized how true this statement rings for most of us...
We don't want to deal with our own shit, we'd prefer someone else to deal with it!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Do you go to work with your spouse?!?!
Chris is performing tonight and I was feeling guilty for not going, because I'm so tired from packing, when my Mom pointed out to me that she never went to work with Dad! This made me feel better and helped me to realize that I can't do everything!!
Still Trying to do everything,
Feather
Still Trying to do everything,
Feather
Strong hearted!!
I went to the Vancouver Cancer clinic for my IV Herceptin treatment, that I still recieve every three weeks until next August. They told me the results of my Mugga, heart muscle test. I have to get a nuclear medicine heart muscle test done every three months that I'm on the herceptin treatment, as it tends to weaken the heart muscle. The last test was done in August before I even started the treatment. I was thrilled to hear that not only has the treatment not weakened my heart but that my heart was one point stronger!!! I was a 64 in August and a 65 now!! I think it's because I didn't work-out at all from April-August because of surgery and chemo. Now in the last three weeks I'Ve been able to exercise again, lots of walking. So I'm even more fit now!! It's very encouraging!! I feel like my body isn't completely failing me, that my body is in fact strong and able to fight this cancer off totally.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Have a very Herry Christmas!
Oops! I made a typo...I ment to wish MYSELF a Very "Hairy" Christmas!
Lizzy stumbled with her words the other night and said, "Herry Christmas", instead of Merry Christmas. Her friends laughed and said, "Be sure to wish Feather a Very Hairy Christmas!" When I saw a little girl I knocked out my two front teeth at the age of three, they didn't grow back until I was 8! So for 5 years I sang at Christmas, "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth." Now I'm singing, "All I want for Christmas is Hair." If you see me this season, feel free to wish me a very "Hairy" Christmas!
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Lizzy stumbled with her words the other night and said, "Herry Christmas", instead of Merry Christmas. Her friends laughed and said, "Be sure to wish Feather a Very Hairy Christmas!" When I saw a little girl I knocked out my two front teeth at the age of three, they didn't grow back until I was 8! So for 5 years I sang at Christmas, "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth." Now I'm singing, "All I want for Christmas is Hair." If you see me this season, feel free to wish me a very "Hairy" Christmas!
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
It is well with my soul.
My friend’s Rachel and Mark Thiesen lost their Children’s Grandpa, Mark’s Dad, Louis Thiesen, this past Tuesday. I attended his celebration of life service today. I was touched and moved by the life of this man. My heart ached and celebrated for his family as they miss him but know that he is in heaven with his Saviour.
Mr. Thiesen died suddenly as the result of a massive head injury from a fall from a ladder, he was 81 years old. Though I didn’t know him well it was clear that he lived his life, right to the end, with a strong soul, body, mind and voice. His family and wife have peace knowing that he lived his life close to the Lord. We were all touched to know that even the morning of his passing, as he often did, he started his day in prayer. What an example for us all, to live a life rich in spirit.
Just two days before his passing, Louis, read scripture during the Sunday service at his church, Sardis Community Church, the church I grew up in. I think the verses he read were so meaningful, especially considering that it was his last public statement. Deuteronomy 6: “These are the commands, decrees and laws the LORD your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, 2 so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the LORD your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life.”
One of the most touching parts of the service was hearing the voices of Mark and Rachel’s little boys sing a song that they would sing with their Grandpa. They are only
5 ½ , 4 and 2 ½ , and they sang together and then each a little solo. They sang, “Oh, How I love Jesus, Oh, How I love Jesus…because He first loved me.” What a wonderful testimony of the generations of faith in their family.
The service ended with the hymn, “It is well with my soul”, sung by Eileen Wiens, who was a soloist I heard so much as a child in church, but hadn’t heard in probably over 20 years. It especially touched me as I’d just spoken this very morning at the MOMS group at church, and quoted, “It is well with my soul”, in my talk to the ladies.
I was reassured today, knowing that it is well with my soul in this life and in the here after.
Mr. Thiesen died suddenly as the result of a massive head injury from a fall from a ladder, he was 81 years old. Though I didn’t know him well it was clear that he lived his life, right to the end, with a strong soul, body, mind and voice. His family and wife have peace knowing that he lived his life close to the Lord. We were all touched to know that even the morning of his passing, as he often did, he started his day in prayer. What an example for us all, to live a life rich in spirit.
Just two days before his passing, Louis, read scripture during the Sunday service at his church, Sardis Community Church, the church I grew up in. I think the verses he read were so meaningful, especially considering that it was his last public statement. Deuteronomy 6: “These are the commands, decrees and laws the LORD your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, 2 so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the LORD your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life.”
One of the most touching parts of the service was hearing the voices of Mark and Rachel’s little boys sing a song that they would sing with their Grandpa. They are only
5 ½ , 4 and 2 ½ , and they sang together and then each a little solo. They sang, “Oh, How I love Jesus, Oh, How I love Jesus…because He first loved me.” What a wonderful testimony of the generations of faith in their family.
The service ended with the hymn, “It is well with my soul”, sung by Eileen Wiens, who was a soloist I heard so much as a child in church, but hadn’t heard in probably over 20 years. It especially touched me as I’d just spoken this very morning at the MOMS group at church, and quoted, “It is well with my soul”, in my talk to the ladies.
I was reassured today, knowing that it is well with my soul in this life and in the here after.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
When the grass you are standing on is the greenest
(the following is a talk I’ve prepared and have been asked to share at the MOMS group that I attend at Northview Community church on Tuesday mornings)
Saturday I attended a Christian women’s conference in Richmond with “Women Alive”. I was there because I was asked to model for a fashion show. I haven’t modeled for a few years now, especially not looking like a plus sized bald manuican. I probably wouldn’t have made it a priority to go to the conference, if I hadn’t been asked to work the fashion show. I still find it really hard to make time just for me; not me as a mother, or me as a wife, but just me, the woman that I am.
I wondered what I would leave the conference with, what God would press on my heart.
It ended up being the thought that, my grass is the greenest! And “no” I’m not referring to our lawn or the “grass” my parent’s grew to be 6 feet tall in the “back forty”. I’m talking about, “the grass not always being greener on the other side”.
I often catch myself thinking, “When this part of my treatment is over, then things will be better.” “When treatment is over, then I can really start to live my life and enjoy living it.”
God has shown me, and really revealed to me even more this weekend, that today and every day is the first day of the rest of my life and that today is a day to enjoy! After all, “This is the day that the Lord has made.” And we are to rejoice and be glad in it!”
Not just the good hair days, or the day when you finally fit into your skinny jeans, or the day you find a really good deal on a big ticket item… but EVERYDAY!
It’s usually easiest for me to think… Life will be better when treatment is over, or when my hair grows back it, or when I get back in shape.
Do you catch yourself thinking, “When we find financial freedom, or just catch a financial break, then I can rejoice.” OR “ When we get the bigger house…When the kids are a bit older and not so demanding…When the house is as clean and organized as you’d like it to be… or When you can finally get 8 hours of uninterupted sleep in a night…THEN, then you can rejoice, then it will be well with your soul.
When I drove away from the conference on Saturday I realized, “That’s it!! IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL!!” And that is all that matters, that’s what makes the grass under my feet green, right now!
The grass won’t be greener WHEN….unless it is well with my soul NOW.
Obviously I realize that life isn’t always a bed of roses and that the “grass under you feet may perhaps be more brown than green”, but I urge you that even in those times, look for those few blades of green grass, something to be thankful for in the midst of your trying circumstances, what ever they maybe. (See my blog entry, “Perks to having breast cancer twice by 35.”)
I also realized, once again, the value of taking sometime just for me. As women this doesn’t always come naturally for us, even though we really need it. This doesn’t mean that we should attend women’s conference’s every weekend, but a little time here and there can go a long way. Especially when we catch ourselves thinking that the Grass is greener somewhere other than where we are.
One way I’m learning how to take time for me, is to take time everyday doing deep breathing relaxation exercises; or if you are comfortable you with it you can call it meditation. My therapist suggested that I create a one sentence mantra for me to repeat during this time. So as I breathe in slowly 4 seconds through my nose, I say to myself this truth, “I am alive, I am loved, I am well.” Then I breathe out slowly for 4 seconds through my mouth, “I am alive, I am loved, I am well.” Try to repeat this for up to 5 minutes at a time.
Why don’t you try to take a little time for yourself, and come up with a positive, truth to speak into your life. Even if it’s the only time you have for yourself all day, it will help you to relax, rest and have a healthy dose of positive thinking. And I think we all know that we could use some of that everyday!
IF you are interested in following my blog that I write a couple times a week or so, you can find it through my website, www.featherjanz.com
I appreciate your prayers and support for me and my family, my blog also lists our specific prayer requests and my current
Saturday I attended a Christian women’s conference in Richmond with “Women Alive”. I was there because I was asked to model for a fashion show. I haven’t modeled for a few years now, especially not looking like a plus sized bald manuican. I probably wouldn’t have made it a priority to go to the conference, if I hadn’t been asked to work the fashion show. I still find it really hard to make time just for me; not me as a mother, or me as a wife, but just me, the woman that I am.
I wondered what I would leave the conference with, what God would press on my heart.
It ended up being the thought that, my grass is the greenest! And “no” I’m not referring to our lawn or the “grass” my parent’s grew to be 6 feet tall in the “back forty”. I’m talking about, “the grass not always being greener on the other side”.
I often catch myself thinking, “When this part of my treatment is over, then things will be better.” “When treatment is over, then I can really start to live my life and enjoy living it.”
God has shown me, and really revealed to me even more this weekend, that today and every day is the first day of the rest of my life and that today is a day to enjoy! After all, “This is the day that the Lord has made.” And we are to rejoice and be glad in it!”
Not just the good hair days, or the day when you finally fit into your skinny jeans, or the day you find a really good deal on a big ticket item… but EVERYDAY!
It’s usually easiest for me to think… Life will be better when treatment is over, or when my hair grows back it, or when I get back in shape.
Do you catch yourself thinking, “When we find financial freedom, or just catch a financial break, then I can rejoice.” OR “ When we get the bigger house…When the kids are a bit older and not so demanding…When the house is as clean and organized as you’d like it to be… or When you can finally get 8 hours of uninterupted sleep in a night…THEN, then you can rejoice, then it will be well with your soul.
When I drove away from the conference on Saturday I realized, “That’s it!! IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL!!” And that is all that matters, that’s what makes the grass under my feet green, right now!
The grass won’t be greener WHEN….unless it is well with my soul NOW.
Obviously I realize that life isn’t always a bed of roses and that the “grass under you feet may perhaps be more brown than green”, but I urge you that even in those times, look for those few blades of green grass, something to be thankful for in the midst of your trying circumstances, what ever they maybe. (See my blog entry, “Perks to having breast cancer twice by 35.”)
I also realized, once again, the value of taking sometime just for me. As women this doesn’t always come naturally for us, even though we really need it. This doesn’t mean that we should attend women’s conference’s every weekend, but a little time here and there can go a long way. Especially when we catch ourselves thinking that the Grass is greener somewhere other than where we are.
One way I’m learning how to take time for me, is to take time everyday doing deep breathing relaxation exercises; or if you are comfortable you with it you can call it meditation. My therapist suggested that I create a one sentence mantra for me to repeat during this time. So as I breathe in slowly 4 seconds through my nose, I say to myself this truth, “I am alive, I am loved, I am well.” Then I breathe out slowly for 4 seconds through my mouth, “I am alive, I am loved, I am well.” Try to repeat this for up to 5 minutes at a time.
Why don’t you try to take a little time for yourself, and come up with a positive, truth to speak into your life. Even if it’s the only time you have for yourself all day, it will help you to relax, rest and have a healthy dose of positive thinking. And I think we all know that we could use some of that everyday!
IF you are interested in following my blog that I write a couple times a week or so, you can find it through my website, www.featherjanz.com
I appreciate your prayers and support for me and my family, my blog also lists our specific prayer requests and my current
Saturday, November 24, 2007
My body is a battlefield!
I’ve realized that my body is battlefield! The enemy is cancer cells and we are working a 5 pronged approach to eradicate this foe. First we located it, then we cut it out with surgery and then we poisoned it; Not once but 8 times, with two different kinds of chemo treatment. Then we started a year long starvation strategy with herceptin and in 10 days we intend to burn away any remaining cells with radiation treatment. I don’t think this enemy has a chance! Usually I’m a pacifist, a peacmaker/flowerchild but now I’m ready for war. You may think that by now I’d be tired of fighting, but to be honest I know that the fight must remain in me for awhile yet. I won’t be giving up anytime soon!
I’m feeling much better after recovering from the stomach virus that debilitated me earlier this week. We’ve all recovered…Chris got it as well. Now we can focus on packing and getting ready for our move next Saturday. We are looking forward to the new season of our lives in our new home.
I’m feeling much better after recovering from the stomach virus that debilitated me earlier this week. We’ve all recovered…Chris got it as well. Now we can focus on packing and getting ready for our move next Saturday. We are looking forward to the new season of our lives in our new home.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Feeling Discouraged
I have to say, I'm feeling rather discouraged. I just start to get back on my feet, feeling quite normal, and this virus strikes. I felt sicker and more weak than I did on chemo. I've had more naesea, stomach cramps and vomitting than I did with 6 months of chemo. At least then it would have been for a reason, this was for no reason at all.
I guess I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I hold on to the hope that the worse is behind me.Right now I hardly have the energy to stay awake, and tomorrow I have a very busy day planned.
I have my Mugga heart scan at nuclear medicine at Surrey Memorial hospital, to test and see how my heart is handling the herceptin treatments I've been getting the last three months. If my heart has been weakened, it means a break from herceptin. Not great for my treatment plan and it means bumping the end of all of this until even later next year.Please pray that my heart is strong and hasn't been weaken by these treatments.
I'm just about half way done everything. It's a little overwhelming to think about another 9 months to go. It's times like these that I'm reminded to just take one day at a time. I must now get ready for my day tomorrow and head off to bed.
I pray for a restful sleep and that my body will get the recovery time it needs to have a high functioning day tomorrow.
I guess I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I hold on to the hope that the worse is behind me.Right now I hardly have the energy to stay awake, and tomorrow I have a very busy day planned.
I have my Mugga heart scan at nuclear medicine at Surrey Memorial hospital, to test and see how my heart is handling the herceptin treatments I've been getting the last three months. If my heart has been weakened, it means a break from herceptin. Not great for my treatment plan and it means bumping the end of all of this until even later next year.Please pray that my heart is strong and hasn't been weaken by these treatments.
I'm just about half way done everything. It's a little overwhelming to think about another 9 months to go. It's times like these that I'm reminded to just take one day at a time. I must now get ready for my day tomorrow and head off to bed.
I pray for a restful sleep and that my body will get the recovery time it needs to have a high functioning day tomorrow.
Now I really feel sick!!
A nasty stomach virus has struck my family. First Carmelle with violent vomitting etc for 24 hours. The "etc" kept her on the toilet with the puke bucket. She was such a trooper, she would look up at me with her big eyes and state, "Mommy, I don't like being sick." I wore a medical mask while comforting and caring for her, while washing my hands every few minutes, but that bugger virus got through! The same hour Carmelle runs to me, "Mommy I'm all better.", Cadence throws up. I help clean that up and thinnk that the smell is turning my stomach, but that was it, I was down for 24 hours. Cadence and I sat on the couch both holding our puke buckets. I didn't keep anything down for about 18 hours. I was starting to get concerned that I may end up in the hospital, with this hitting me so soon after Chemo. But by 3am this morning the vomitting stopped and I was able to keep water down. I'm tired, weak and exhausted now, I'm heading off to a nap. Thank Godness for Lizzy being here to watch the girls. She's not feeling great either but it looks like she got the least of it. Chris started with a really bad headache yesterday, which I think is how mine started two days before. I hope and pray that Chris doesn't get sick like we did. We really can't afford for him to miss work right now. He already missed some time last night by taking Carmelle to see "Princesses on Ice". I was suppose to go with her, but the sickness kept me in bed. She had a blast and Chris enjoyed it simply because she did. I'm sure I would have enjoyed it more than him, but he was a good sport:)
I told her I'd take her to see the movie "Enchanted", just the two of us, to make it up to her. She dressed up as a Princess for the show last night, I think we'll do the same to go and see the movie:) Perhaps I'll dress up as well, adn we'll go as Princesses together! Now I'm going to play sleeping beauty and nod off to never-never land for a bit. I hope and pray I awake feeling normal.
Wait I think I feel a "pea" in my bed!!
We all need to feel like royaly in someway!!
I told her I'd take her to see the movie "Enchanted", just the two of us, to make it up to her. She dressed up as a Princess for the show last night, I think we'll do the same to go and see the movie:) Perhaps I'll dress up as well, adn we'll go as Princesses together! Now I'm going to play sleeping beauty and nod off to never-never land for a bit. I hope and pray I awake feeling normal.
Wait I think I feel a "pea" in my bed!!
We all need to feel like royaly in someway!!
Monday, November 19, 2007
At least I'll look like a lady with hair!
Recently I asked my 4 year old if I should wear a hat or my wig out. She pondered my question, with her index finger on her chin, hmmmmm..."Wear your wig Mommy, because then everyone will think that you're a lady who actually has hair."
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Tattooed Momma!
Tattooed Momma
As of two days ago I now have 9 tattoos! That’s right…9!!! I’m such a rebel!! I got my first tattoos when I was 24 years old, one year after having cancer the first time. My friend Heather, a pastor’s daughter, and I got matching ivy tattoos. I’d thought about it long and hard before I got them, for a year, and I designed them myself. I got an ivy ankle bracelet around my left ankle. I’d heard that if you wore an ankle bracelet around your right ankle it means you are single and your left means you are taken. So I had mine put on my left to symbolize that I am a bride of Christ. The ivy held significance for me in that, when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer God gave me a vision relating to my experience that involved ivy. He showed me an ivy plant growing up and clinging to an old rock wall, then along came the gardener and hacked the vine down at the base and pulled it away from the wall. But then the vine instantly starts to grow back, richer and fuller and stronger….bearing more fruit. This was revealed to me to be the plan fro my life. The tattoos serve as a reminder to me to never forget God’s faithfulness to me in my life. That he will never leave me nor forsake me. That the pruning process He allows in my life, refines me for His plan.
At that same time, I got a second tattoo of an ivy vine wrapped around a cross. The cross of course representing my faith and it is on my right upper thigh. During the tattooing process I made a wonderful connection with my tattoo artist as I found out that his wife had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I found friendship with his wife and a relationship with him, knowing he’d be the only one ever do my future tattoos. (Brian’s in Abbotsford)
After I got my breast reconstruction completed I only had one more step to complete and that was to have the areola tattooed to match the color of the other. So I had Brian do that one as well, with his wife present…he did hers later.
When I was 25 I got another tattoo of a sun with a fish symbol in the middle. I designed this one as well and have it on my very lower back. This reminds me that each day that the sun rises and sets, I am called to be a fisher of men. The fish of course is a symbol of my faith and also a reminder to me to “Seize the Day”.
Just after I was married I headed off to see Brian again, this time with another Pastor’s daughter friend of mine, Karla. This time I got two little joining music notes, to symbolize my marriage to Chris. I had them put on my reconstructed breast, which was great because I don’t have any feeling there!
7 years ago my best friend Carmen got the idea that she and I should have matching tattoos. I designed a sunflower, which was our favourite flower, and I had mine put on my left shoulder. Just over 2 years later, Carmen passed away suddenly. I’m so glad that I have the tattoo in loving memory of my best friend.
I often wondered what my next tattoos would be of, they are very addictive. I didn’t imagine that they would be three black dots on my chest, by which to line up radiation beams for cancer treatment. But they are now tattoos number 7,8 and 9. Even though they are small, they have earned their place on my body.
I intend to get some more tattoos when this ordeal is over. I plan to get two small music notes to go with the others, to symbolize my girls. I also want to get small wings on my lower neck, across part of my shoulders. With the Bible verse reference, Isaiah 41, “…mount up on wings like eagles, run and not be weary, walk and not faint.” Not to leave out that the wings have many “feathers”:)
I intend to walk, run and fly for a long time yet! I’ve also thought of putting a pink ribbon, for breast cancer, on my big toe. Perhaps sometime in a year or so from now, but in the meantime I feel that I can share much of my life story from my tattoos. I’ve never regretted getting my tattoos and they feel as much a part of me now as my scars do. They are markings on my body that I’ve had the choice to have. The tattoos and scars tell of the great work that God has done in my life.
As of two days ago I now have 9 tattoos! That’s right…9!!! I’m such a rebel!! I got my first tattoos when I was 24 years old, one year after having cancer the first time. My friend Heather, a pastor’s daughter, and I got matching ivy tattoos. I’d thought about it long and hard before I got them, for a year, and I designed them myself. I got an ivy ankle bracelet around my left ankle. I’d heard that if you wore an ankle bracelet around your right ankle it means you are single and your left means you are taken. So I had mine put on my left to symbolize that I am a bride of Christ. The ivy held significance for me in that, when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer God gave me a vision relating to my experience that involved ivy. He showed me an ivy plant growing up and clinging to an old rock wall, then along came the gardener and hacked the vine down at the base and pulled it away from the wall. But then the vine instantly starts to grow back, richer and fuller and stronger….bearing more fruit. This was revealed to me to be the plan fro my life. The tattoos serve as a reminder to me to never forget God’s faithfulness to me in my life. That he will never leave me nor forsake me. That the pruning process He allows in my life, refines me for His plan.
At that same time, I got a second tattoo of an ivy vine wrapped around a cross. The cross of course representing my faith and it is on my right upper thigh. During the tattooing process I made a wonderful connection with my tattoo artist as I found out that his wife had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I found friendship with his wife and a relationship with him, knowing he’d be the only one ever do my future tattoos. (Brian’s in Abbotsford)
After I got my breast reconstruction completed I only had one more step to complete and that was to have the areola tattooed to match the color of the other. So I had Brian do that one as well, with his wife present…he did hers later.
When I was 25 I got another tattoo of a sun with a fish symbol in the middle. I designed this one as well and have it on my very lower back. This reminds me that each day that the sun rises and sets, I am called to be a fisher of men. The fish of course is a symbol of my faith and also a reminder to me to “Seize the Day”.
Just after I was married I headed off to see Brian again, this time with another Pastor’s daughter friend of mine, Karla. This time I got two little joining music notes, to symbolize my marriage to Chris. I had them put on my reconstructed breast, which was great because I don’t have any feeling there!
7 years ago my best friend Carmen got the idea that she and I should have matching tattoos. I designed a sunflower, which was our favourite flower, and I had mine put on my left shoulder. Just over 2 years later, Carmen passed away suddenly. I’m so glad that I have the tattoo in loving memory of my best friend.
I often wondered what my next tattoos would be of, they are very addictive. I didn’t imagine that they would be three black dots on my chest, by which to line up radiation beams for cancer treatment. But they are now tattoos number 7,8 and 9. Even though they are small, they have earned their place on my body.
I intend to get some more tattoos when this ordeal is over. I plan to get two small music notes to go with the others, to symbolize my girls. I also want to get small wings on my lower neck, across part of my shoulders. With the Bible verse reference, Isaiah 41, “…mount up on wings like eagles, run and not be weary, walk and not faint.” Not to leave out that the wings have many “feathers”:)
I intend to walk, run and fly for a long time yet! I’ve also thought of putting a pink ribbon, for breast cancer, on my big toe. Perhaps sometime in a year or so from now, but in the meantime I feel that I can share much of my life story from my tattoos. I’ve never regretted getting my tattoos and they feel as much a part of me now as my scars do. They are markings on my body that I’ve had the choice to have. The tattoos and scars tell of the great work that God has done in my life.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Not fun at all!
Now that wasn't any fun at all! I had my radiation planning appointment today and had to lie perfectly still for a long period of time, while they formed a mold around my right arm up over my head and my chin off to the left. About a quarter of a way through my arm was completely asleep, but still of course able to feel absolute discomfort. Self pity set in as I considered crying and realized I had to stay that way or they would have to start all over again. I felt like I was in a modern day torture chamber as my arm ached more and more. I rarely feel sorry for myself, but I did today for about 20-25 minutes. I finally begged my nurse, how much longer, and she said 5 minutes. Then she came and gently massaged the life back into my right arm. I dare say it was the best massage I've ever had! Relieved, I realized it was probably the most uncomfortable I've been through this entire ordeal,and I just didn't expect it. The three small, black, tattoos seemed like a peice of cake, after that! I'm glad it's over and that Lord willing I'll never have to do that again!!
Perhaps the discomfort was so great because it wasn't forseeable and it wasn't an actual cancer fighting agent. It's easier to handle the pain when I know the cancer is being beating as a result. Anyway, I'm fine now and heading to bed for a nap.
My first radiation treatment has been confirmed for Wed. Dec 5th.
Perhaps the discomfort was so great because it wasn't forseeable and it wasn't an actual cancer fighting agent. It's easier to handle the pain when I know the cancer is being beating as a result. Anyway, I'm fine now and heading to bed for a nap.
My first radiation treatment has been confirmed for Wed. Dec 5th.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
My New Normal.
The last few days I’ve been feeling…well normal; though as soon as I say that, I realize that I’ll never be the same. So this will be my new normal. I’ve been feeling like I’ve never even had cancer treatment, physically anyway. My scars serve as a reminder of all I’ve been through, but I no longer feel the pain. I’ve been able to exercise as I use to and I’ve been sleeping much better. I don’t feel as overwhelmed with my circumstances and I feel much more in control of my daily activities. Having said all that, perhaps it’ll all go away with radiation treatment.
Tomorrow I have my radiation planning appointment, where they spend 2 hours lining up the radiation beams and tattooing where they will enter and exit. I woke up with a Kink in my neck that better be gone by tomorrow, since I have to lie perfectly still in the position they put me in, the whole time. I’m kind of hoping I fall asleep.
Yesterday I had the oddest sensation, hail falling hard on my bald head! Very odd but kind of COOL at the same time!
Tomorrow I have my radiation planning appointment, where they spend 2 hours lining up the radiation beams and tattooing where they will enter and exit. I woke up with a Kink in my neck that better be gone by tomorrow, since I have to lie perfectly still in the position they put me in, the whole time. I’m kind of hoping I fall asleep.
Yesterday I had the oddest sensation, hail falling hard on my bald head! Very odd but kind of COOL at the same time!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Perks to having breast cancer twice by 35...
1. Getting ready takes less than 30 minutes when it use to take just over an hour, because no washing hair, shaving, blow drying, styling or putting on mascara.
2. I don’t ever have to wear a bra again! (and not just because I’m flower child
3. I get to realize that everyone around me has something to offer me and in turn I get to realize that I have something to offer them.
4. I get to really embrace my inner beauty.
5. My weight fluctuates so much that I get to buy new clothes all the time.
6. I can be a blonde, brunette or red head any day of the week, and my husband has no complaints:)
7. I can say what I want and I finally don’t worry about what other people think.
8. I can’t remember the last time I did my own vacuuming.
9. I can get a prescription for the “medicinal” legal version of what my parent’s use to grow out back.
10. I can draw my eyebrows where ever and however I want.
11. I finally found ONE thing about Brittany Spears that I can relate to...being bald!
2. I don’t ever have to wear a bra again! (and not just because I’m flower child
3. I get to realize that everyone around me has something to offer me and in turn I get to realize that I have something to offer them.
4. I get to really embrace my inner beauty.
5. My weight fluctuates so much that I get to buy new clothes all the time.
6. I can be a blonde, brunette or red head any day of the week, and my husband has no complaints:)
7. I can say what I want and I finally don’t worry about what other people think.
8. I can’t remember the last time I did my own vacuuming.
9. I can get a prescription for the “medicinal” legal version of what my parent’s use to grow out back.
10. I can draw my eyebrows where ever and however I want.
11. I finally found ONE thing about Brittany Spears that I can relate to...being bald!
Who knew a walk could feel so good!
After 6 months of chemotherapy, today was actually my first official day off of treatment. As yesterday would have been another treatment, today is 22 days since my last one! I really do feel free from it. I felt normal all day today. I had a good nights sleep for the first time in a long time, and I woke up feeling good and rested. I felt ready to return to life as normal and what better way for me to do that, then to go for a nice long walk! So the girls, Lizzy and her daughter Leah, and Carmelle and Cadence and I headed off to the Theatre to see the Bee Movie. We walked about 45 minutes there and back, and I felt fine! It was very empowering and invigorating; it was like getting back on my favourite horse. I look forward to many long walks and work-outs on the treadmill. It’s so great to know that I can do it without foot blisters, shortness of breath, dizziness, muscles aches and joint pain.
Last night I went for a clothes fitting, as I’ll be modeling in a fashion show at Ladies conference in Richmond. When I was asked to model, I said, “If you need a plus sized, bald girl without real breasts…then I’m your girl!” If someone had told me that I’d be modeling at a size 16, and bald, I would have never believed them. But I will be in two weeks. I do intend to be a size 15 by then; with lots of walking and good eating It’s all about how you walk into a room and through it, that makes you a good model, not what size you are. I’m looking forward to the opportunity.
Last night I went for a clothes fitting, as I’ll be modeling in a fashion show at Ladies conference in Richmond. When I was asked to model, I said, “If you need a plus sized, bald girl without real breasts…then I’m your girl!” If someone had told me that I’d be modeling at a size 16, and bald, I would have never believed them. But I will be in two weeks. I do intend to be a size 15 by then; with lots of walking and good eating It’s all about how you walk into a room and through it, that makes you a good model, not what size you are. I’m looking forward to the opportunity.
May they never forget.
People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Quote by Maya Angelou
Quote by Maya Angelou
Thursday, November 8, 2007
You know you’ve finally cut yourself some slack when….by Feather Janz
1. You see your snotty nose kid and just smile:)
2. You go to the store and pick-up a new tube of toothpaste, rather than unpack the tubes you already packed to move to the new house.
3. You just pay the $10 to buy the DVD that is a month overdue.
4. You go to the grocery store with no make-up AND don’t hide from the people you recognize.
5. You don’t bat an eye when all the well intentioned people helping with housework don’t put anything away where it actually belongs AND you just leave it where it is.
6. When the “10 second rule” becomes the, “It’s our house so it doesn’t matter how long it’s been on the floor-rule”.
7. The only clothes you have to put in the laundry are your PJ’s because you’ve worn nothing else for a few days straight.
8. You can’t remember the last time you washed your hair or shaved, oh yeah…I don’t have any hair yet!
9. When your gym pass picture was taken before you were pregnant with your last child.
10. Someone writes, “This needs to be dusted.” On your entertainment centre and you laugh because you actually think it’s funny!
Perhaps you could think of 10 ways you could cut yourself some slack today and in the future!!
2. You go to the store and pick-up a new tube of toothpaste, rather than unpack the tubes you already packed to move to the new house.
3. You just pay the $10 to buy the DVD that is a month overdue.
4. You go to the grocery store with no make-up AND don’t hide from the people you recognize.
5. You don’t bat an eye when all the well intentioned people helping with housework don’t put anything away where it actually belongs AND you just leave it where it is.
6. When the “10 second rule” becomes the, “It’s our house so it doesn’t matter how long it’s been on the floor-rule”.
7. The only clothes you have to put in the laundry are your PJ’s because you’ve worn nothing else for a few days straight.
8. You can’t remember the last time you washed your hair or shaved, oh yeah…I don’t have any hair yet!
9. When your gym pass picture was taken before you were pregnant with your last child.
10. Someone writes, “This needs to be dusted.” On your entertainment centre and you laugh because you actually think it’s funny!
Perhaps you could think of 10 ways you could cut yourself some slack today and in the future!!
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Genetic What?!?!?
Genetic Testing was suggested by my oncologist today. I started with a new oncologist, as my other one has gone on maternity leave. My new oncologist is Dr. Karen Glemon, a leading physician in the field of Breast Cancer oncology in Canada and the world. The Dr. I was meeting with for the past 7 months was is a part of her team and she has had a hand in my care since I started. She said some encouraging things to me today, she said I looked healthy and told me that my blood counts were that of someone who hasn’t had any treatment. She also told me that I was beautiful with or without hair. She has known me for several years, through the breast cancer foundation we shared the podium many tines. It was great to get a hug from her and to feel like I was in such good hands.
She suggested to me today that I might have genetic testing done in the new year. Apparently there is a gene, that obviously I’ve never heard of, that causes young people to get sarcoma and carcinoma cancers, which are the two kinds that I’ve had. She’d like to have me tested for it in the new year but it’s up to me. Right away I said I’d want it done, then I thought about it some more. Do I want to know if I have a gene for cancer that may plague me with tumors for the rest of my life? Do I want to live knowing another cancer is looming around the corner? Do I want to beat this one just to feel defeated knowing it’s just a matter of time before it happens again? The answer to all of those questions, I decided was YES! If I am prone to getting cancer because if my genetics I want to know! I want to do everything I can to give my body a fighting chance at finding and detecting such cancers sooner. I know that almost all cancers if found soon enough can be beaten, I’ve experienced it once and I believe I will again! If I found I had this gene it could be used against me in getting a larger life insurance policy, but in my current circumstances I won’t ever be eligible for more life insurance anyway. I figure if they find out I do have the gene I’ll be watched like a hawk and more medical testing will become more readily available to me, like PET Scans and MRI’s. Having said that I guess I hope that I don’t have the gene and that when this is over, I can put it more behind me. But to be honest, I lived the last 12 years knowing that once you’ve had cancer it’s basically impossible to put it behind you most of the time anyway. So if there’s something to know, I want to know it! Knowledge is power! I’ve said it so many times when speaking and it’s so true. Knowledge is power.
The Dr. said if I don’t have the gene, it could just be related to something my breasts were exposed to while in my teens and my breast were developing. The only thing that I can remember them being exposed to on a regular basis were bust expanding exercises, “I must, I must, I must…increase my bust!” Remember Ladies! If every girl who ever wished for larger breasts got breast cancer, I think we’d have many more cases of breast cancer on our hands!!
She suggested to me today that I might have genetic testing done in the new year. Apparently there is a gene, that obviously I’ve never heard of, that causes young people to get sarcoma and carcinoma cancers, which are the two kinds that I’ve had. She’d like to have me tested for it in the new year but it’s up to me. Right away I said I’d want it done, then I thought about it some more. Do I want to know if I have a gene for cancer that may plague me with tumors for the rest of my life? Do I want to live knowing another cancer is looming around the corner? Do I want to beat this one just to feel defeated knowing it’s just a matter of time before it happens again? The answer to all of those questions, I decided was YES! If I am prone to getting cancer because if my genetics I want to know! I want to do everything I can to give my body a fighting chance at finding and detecting such cancers sooner. I know that almost all cancers if found soon enough can be beaten, I’ve experienced it once and I believe I will again! If I found I had this gene it could be used against me in getting a larger life insurance policy, but in my current circumstances I won’t ever be eligible for more life insurance anyway. I figure if they find out I do have the gene I’ll be watched like a hawk and more medical testing will become more readily available to me, like PET Scans and MRI’s. Having said that I guess I hope that I don’t have the gene and that when this is over, I can put it more behind me. But to be honest, I lived the last 12 years knowing that once you’ve had cancer it’s basically impossible to put it behind you most of the time anyway. So if there’s something to know, I want to know it! Knowledge is power! I’ve said it so many times when speaking and it’s so true. Knowledge is power.
The Dr. said if I don’t have the gene, it could just be related to something my breasts were exposed to while in my teens and my breast were developing. The only thing that I can remember them being exposed to on a regular basis were bust expanding exercises, “I must, I must, I must…increase my bust!” Remember Ladies! If every girl who ever wished for larger breasts got breast cancer, I think we’d have many more cases of breast cancer on our hands!!
Stopping Traffic
It occurred to me today, as a woman stopped to let me into a long line of traffic, that my bald head probably got noticed and she responded by letting me in. I realize that I’ve grown quite accustom to someone always letting me in; just before, it was always a man noticing my long blond locks and letting me in!
I was also paid a huge compliment today at the cancer clinic, as an elderly lady came up to me and said that she was so taken by my presence in the room that tears came to her eyes and she just wanted me to know that. She was a lovely lady, who made me feel very lovely. Just by being me, she noticed something remarkable in me and I didn’t have to do anything at all for the compliment. I thanked her and proceeded to have a very nice talk with her.
She shared with me a bit of her journey with cancer and also her heart ached attached to sharing her story. Her “closest” friend shut her out when she was diagnosed and now she’s afraid to share with others her experience. I told her of my openness with my journey over the last 12 years and how I have gained so many new and rich relationships. I shared with her that I have all but “advertised” my circumstances.
There has been some risk involved, that some may violate my “space” with their opinions. But mostly I’ve experienced nothing but respect. In fact I’ve been humbled by the respect shown by many and their willingness to give so much of themselves to myself and my family.
I have learnt in life, that trusting others with my “stuff” in turn makes me more trustworthy to them. Keeping things to myself and hiding “secrets”, doesn’t gain the trust of others or self-respect. I suppose self-respect reflects respect from others and trusting others, reflects that you are trustworthy. These things are such, the “stuff” of lif;, a life worth living. I carry them with me as I live my life.
I was also paid a huge compliment today at the cancer clinic, as an elderly lady came up to me and said that she was so taken by my presence in the room that tears came to her eyes and she just wanted me to know that. She was a lovely lady, who made me feel very lovely. Just by being me, she noticed something remarkable in me and I didn’t have to do anything at all for the compliment. I thanked her and proceeded to have a very nice talk with her.
She shared with me a bit of her journey with cancer and also her heart ached attached to sharing her story. Her “closest” friend shut her out when she was diagnosed and now she’s afraid to share with others her experience. I told her of my openness with my journey over the last 12 years and how I have gained so many new and rich relationships. I shared with her that I have all but “advertised” my circumstances.
There has been some risk involved, that some may violate my “space” with their opinions. But mostly I’ve experienced nothing but respect. In fact I’ve been humbled by the respect shown by many and their willingness to give so much of themselves to myself and my family.
I have learnt in life, that trusting others with my “stuff” in turn makes me more trustworthy to them. Keeping things to myself and hiding “secrets”, doesn’t gain the trust of others or self-respect. I suppose self-respect reflects respect from others and trusting others, reflects that you are trustworthy. These things are such, the “stuff” of lif;, a life worth living. I carry them with me as I live my life.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Transition Time
I feel a real sense of transition in my life right now. It’s a shifting of sorts, in so many ways. As I feel the peach fuzz growing on my scalp, transitioning from bald to a short hair-do. I watched my brother transition from bachelor to husband and my parent’s have their last child wed. Our home is mostly in boxes preparing to move to our new house. We are so excited about making the new house our family home and business. I’m in between chemo ending and radiation starting and defiantly feeling like I have the worst behind me. The weight is starting to come off and I’m eager to start exercising and getting back in shape. I feel like the New Year has so many new beginnings for us. The future seems to get brighter and brighter each day.
Though I do realize I miss my husband more while he’s working out of town. I think I use to be so busy working and feeling well that it was easier when he was away. Now I notice his absence so much more and his loving presence missing from the home. I also acknowledge that what doesn’t break a relationship only makes’ it stronger and we’ve defiantly experienced a stronger and deeper bond ourselves. Being together for exactly 10 years now, a whole decade, probably helps. We are looking forward to Chris returning home to us tomorrow afternoon.
Though I do realize I miss my husband more while he’s working out of town. I think I use to be so busy working and feeling well that it was easier when he was away. Now I notice his absence so much more and his loving presence missing from the home. I also acknowledge that what doesn’t break a relationship only makes’ it stronger and we’ve defiantly experienced a stronger and deeper bond ourselves. Being together for exactly 10 years now, a whole decade, probably helps. We are looking forward to Chris returning home to us tomorrow afternoon.
I was emailed this one....
There once was a woman who woke up one morning,
Looked in the mirror,
and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?"
So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror
and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
"H-M-M," she said,
"I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?"
So she did and she had a fantastic day.
The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said,
"today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."
So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YEA!" she exclaimed,
"I don't have to fix my hair today!"
Attitude is everything.
Looked in the mirror,
and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?"
So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror
and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
"H-M-M," she said,
"I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?"
So she did and she had a fantastic day.
The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said,
"today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."
So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YEA!" she exclaimed,
"I don't have to fix my hair today!"
Attitude is everything.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
The Quote I found for today...
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that
take our breath away"
take our breath away"
Thursday, November 1, 2007
You know you are getting old when...
My baby brother, Daniel, is getting married! Some of you may not even know that I have a brother who is 13 years younger than me. Most of you know I have a brother named Forrest who is 4 years younger, but mostly Daniel was mistaken for being my son for much of my life.(which would have been technically impossible, just for the record:) It started when I was 16 and would sometimes drive him around in the car seat. And when I moved out on my own I started having him come for over night visits when I was ages 20-25. Still to this day I have poeple who think I was a single Mom before I got married and have a son in his 20's now. Oh well...I'm proud of him for just being Daniel and especially now as we are looking forward to him making life long vows to his love, Racheal.
We'll be travelling as a family down to Seattle for the wedding. Please pray that we don't have any trouble at the border as Chris will be flying to St. Louis as we drive home Sunday morning. He's got a work visa to join the band Starfield for their concerts there. Chris hasn't been to the border since he was denied at the beginning of Sept.
I'm just starting to feel better after my 8th and final chemo treatment. I'm still having to take some medications for aching bones, muscles and joints. I'll have to take extra anti nausea meds for the long drive to Seattle, I don't handle being the passenger at the best of times:)Also our girls have never been on such a long road trip, we hope all goes well. The Wedding is on Saturday and our little Cadence will be the flower girl:)She'll be wearing the outfit that Carmelle wore at the same age to be Auntie Kelsey's flower girl:)
We are looking forward to making lifelong family memories this weekend!
What will you do with your family this weekend, to make lifelong memories?!?
We'll be travelling as a family down to Seattle for the wedding. Please pray that we don't have any trouble at the border as Chris will be flying to St. Louis as we drive home Sunday morning. He's got a work visa to join the band Starfield for their concerts there. Chris hasn't been to the border since he was denied at the beginning of Sept.
I'm just starting to feel better after my 8th and final chemo treatment. I'm still having to take some medications for aching bones, muscles and joints. I'll have to take extra anti nausea meds for the long drive to Seattle, I don't handle being the passenger at the best of times:)Also our girls have never been on such a long road trip, we hope all goes well. The Wedding is on Saturday and our little Cadence will be the flower girl:)She'll be wearing the outfit that Carmelle wore at the same age to be Auntie Kelsey's flower girl:)
We are looking forward to making lifelong family memories this weekend!
What will you do with your family this weekend, to make lifelong memories?!?
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