Posttraumatic Stress

I first wondered if this could explain some things I was thinking and feeling when I read in the book, “Crazy Sexy Cancer” that cancer patients with long drawn out treatments were being compared to having similar emotional reactions as soldiers coming home from battle and rape victims. All having similar life threatening and life altering incidents that changed how they would always emotionally respond and feel; though it would have never occurred to compared myself to a rape victim or soldier of war, I understood. The constant state of feeling that your life is in imminent danger for an extended period of time, can be emotional altering. Even when in reality you should be feeling safe, you don’t.
I just heard a movie quote from a solider saying, “The whole time I was over there, all I lived for, dreamed of and longed for was to come back here. And now that I’m here, all I can think about is going back.” This I understand. Crazy? I thought?
Thankfully the therapist today said to me, “No, not crazy, normal.” I do believe that for the first time in my life, that word sounds so good to me. Normal. I’m not sure I know how, to be normal, but I’m going to try. She says it will probably include weeping, not moving, just feeling, and allowing someone I trust the most to pull me up and dust me off when I’m good and ready. (Whenever that is.)
I’ve spent a lot of energy through my entire life not allowing myself to get on the floor because I was afraid I wouldn’t get back up. My heart is in good hands and so is my soul, I’m ready.
My ears will block all noises such as, “Get a grip!”, Pull yourself together”, “This isn’t like you.”, “What are you doing, do you need help?!?!”, “I thought you were stronger than that.”, “This can’t be healthy.” I choose to ignore all of the above and they have no place in my life or my recovery.
Perhaps you won’t hear from me for awhile. Chris will hear me and so will my medical team on a regular basis. I know I’ll be fine, but if you don’t mind ( and I don’t care if you do or not to be honest) I’m going to fall apart now. And I’ll be back eventually.

Definition:


Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an emotional illness that develops as a result of a terribly frightening, life-threatening, or otherwise highly unsafe experience. PTSD sufferers re-experience the traumatic event or events in some way, tend to avoid places, people, or other things that remind them of the event (avoidance), and are exquisitely sensitive to normal life experiences (hyper arousal). Although this condition has likely existed since human beings have endured trauma, PTSD has only been recognized as a formal diagnosis since 1980. However, it was called by different names as early as the American Civil War, when combat veterans were referred to as suffering from "soldier's heart." In World War I, symptoms that were generally consistent with PTSD were referred to as "combat fatigue." Soldiers who developed such symptoms in World War II were said to be suffering from "gross stress reaction," and many who fought in Vietnam who had symptoms of what is now called PTSD were assessed as having "post-Vietnam syndrome." PTSD has also been called "battle fatigue" and "shell shock." Complex posttraumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) usually results from prolonged exposure to a traumatic event or series thereof and is characterized by long-lasting problems with many aspects of emotional and social functioning.

Survivours Guilt

I know what it is and I know I have it.I remember almost 13 years ago, when my friend Cindi's husband called to tell me that she'd passed in the night from breast cancer. For one brief moment, I had a wave of jealousy, she home and I was here. I had some survivors guilt because I thought she should be around to raise her son, when I had nothing like that to live for.
Now I find myself, scouffing at the lyrics " Only the good die young.", guess I wasn't quite good enough. I need a little more time to figure it all out I guess!
There's life and there's death, our only two certianties. And it is always repeated, Life just isn't fair! Then Death must be fair. We live our life time, how ever long that is, life won't be fair, but before you know it death will be knocking on your door, and it will only be fair.
So perhaps we discard the word fair and make a new phrase, and no not, Life is hard and then you die!
How about....Be in love with life everyday, even though it evetually leads to death.
Do I deserve to survive more than than the next person, absolutely not, perhaps however I owe it to them to give each day a hug for them. A hug is a symbol of so many things, compassion, grief, loss, love, welcome,reunion, warmth and connection.
Perhaps that will help me over come my survivours guilt, if I hug just to hug, to give. That is one expectation I know I can live up to.

"HUG" squeeze, consider yourself hugged (it's part of my recovery:)

The following should be read with caution

Friday, September 26, 2008
These are harsh words, proceed with caution.

I had a breakthrough today, perhaps a break down, I'll have to ask the psycotherapist I meet in Monday, which it was. To quote Jim Carrey, perhaps it was a "nervous breakthrough." I've been asked many times if I'm angry with God for allowing me to have cancer, NO. I've also been asked did I ask "God why me, Why do I have to endure cancer not once but twice" again NO!
But today I broke down in weeping tears "Why not me, Why don't I get to go home to glory now." I felt I prepared for death so well and galliantly. I gracefully took what could have been my final weeks and months in stride, with my head held high.I wasn't afraid to die and I embraced that my life time was exactly that, my life time.
I found peace, and happiness in my life of 36 years.
Today I mostly wept. I'm well and I should be rejoicing. But it occured to me that everyday for the rest of my life I live waiting for the other shoe to drop. Life already isn't fair, and now I have to live with this as well. AM I strong enough? God did you really make me this strong? I feel so weak, unable to encounter life as before. Afriad that others will expect the same, if not more from me. I'm not the same girl, stronger in some ways, but so much weaker in others.
In some ways I feel as though I have so much to give, but the thought overwhelms and exhausts me. How much do I invest into getting better, physio therapy, support groups, counselling, therapy, and of course church prayer and fellowship. How much of that is self-ish and how much of is it for my family?
Living Life, living a good life, is really hard work. And I feel so weak I don't see how it will be possible yet. The transtion into wellness is much harder for me than into illness. At least with illness, I had something to fight for.Now I still want to fight, but what.
I can only beat up myself for so long, then my husband (who doesn't know what hit him) Perhaps I need to take up kick boxing. It worked very well for a friend of mine after breast cancer.
It's easier to fear cancer than to fear life. Life can be a little scary, especially when I fear that I'll just get back into it and this nasty disease will rear it's ugly head again.
Fighting to live , when the fights over....an unknown chapter. (to be continued)

These are harsh words, proceed with caution.

I had a breakthrough today, perhaps a break down, I'll have to ask the psycotherapist I meet in Monday, which it was. TO quote

Quote for today

"Stay in LOVE with LIFE!"

Grab a tissue!

* An old friend shared these lyrics with me. She wrote them a few years ago in response to a story she saw on Oprah. I remembered the story of a young mom terminal with breast cancer, leaving recorded messages for her little daughter to one day watch. The story broke my heart then even before I was a mom myself and encountered the disease again. I thought of this story, inspired by that mom's life and her courage in facing her death. I'd though if my circumstances became similar to hers, that I would want to do something similar for my girls. I've held out hope and have contiued to hold out hope that I won't ever have to. It is my plan, purpose, intention and hope to be able to say all of those messages directly to my girls, in front of them while holding their hands and guiding their lives here.
IT breaks my heart that many young mom's are faced with this reality. It has lingered as a fear for me, but is not my reality. But I'm sure you'll feel the impact of these lyrics, as for me they were so close to my heart, it ached.


To Where I Am
---------------------

vs/
hello angel
happy birthday
my precious baby girl
so, how's it feeling
to be sixteen?
are you ready for the world?
oh, i wonder what new wonders
the world will have seen
by the time you load this tape
in our old vhs machine

right now i'm watching you watch me
hope you can feel my touch
my arms are wrapped around you
and i'm just loving you so much
and baby..

ch/
may your troubles
make you struggle
just enough
to always keep you strong
a child of God
on loan from heaven
may you never feel
that you belong.....to this world
and when the pain of missing me
is more than you can stand
may it keep you on the road
to where i am

vs/
if i know your daddy
he gave you
my wedding rings today
and asked you to keep yourself
for no-one else
til he gives you away
he knows that you've
so much to lose
and everything to gain
just know- no matter
what you choose
he'll love you just the same

every day that i'm in Heaven
he's been thru a night of hell
so if and when he loves again
i pray you'll wish him well
oh, i'd love to tell him

ch/
may you never
think there ever
was any other
you were the BEST thing in my life
that handsome man
who took my hand
and made me a mother
i was so blessed to be your wife....all those years
may you find some peace in knowing
there's a greater plan
and may it keep on the road
to where i am

ch/
take the time
i didn't have
and make it matter
help somebody find The Way
keep pressing on
toward the dawn
straight ahead
and every time you stray...keep looking up!!
remember the story
about Footprints in the sand
and let them lead you up this road
just get here ANY way you can!!!!
may God bless you both
and keep you on the road
.....to where i am xooxxoxooxox

Written by:
Lori-Anne (Siemens) Hlookoff

Thank-you Lori for sharing this song with us!!

God Bless, I feel blessed.

Can you Help with childcare?

Over the next few days Chris and I need a little extra support with childcare. I've not been getting the rest I need post-op, from having my portacath removed last friday. As of today I've been put on antibiodics because I'm not healing properly. Chris is being "super" Dad and husband and is burning himself out. He needs a couple more long, uninterrupted sleeps so he can recover from his cold and "travel" lag from 20 days on the road. It's been hard to keep the girls on routine with Daddy home, they are just so excited! Three days in, we are all crashing from the "high" of having Chris home again:) If you are able to help us out this is when we could use help, tomorrow:
Wed am 8-11:30am
Wed pm 3-9pm
Thursday all day and night 8am-8pm
Friday 8am- 11:30am
Saturday 3pm-9pm
Sunday 2pm-9pm

We don't need help every minute of all those times, but a little here and there would certainly help. Hope to hear from you.(Payment is availabe)

Settling Down

I'm recovering from my portacath removal surgery, which was last Friday, 3 days ago. It's sore, but not to bad,I'm looking forward to my nap as soon as a I finish writing this. Chris is home and has had two sleeps in his own bed, best sleeps ever:)
The girls are calmer now that Daddy is home, to tuck them in and cuddle with at night. Denise is settled into her own home with Louie her cat. Carrie, Lizzy's grown daughter, is now settled into out suite downstairs with her hedgehog "Angel" it's an albino and very interesting looking. She's going to school fulltime and is looking for part-time work.
We look forward to settling into a settled and rountine lifestyle soon, if at all possible?!? Wishful thinking perhaps, since Chris's work weeks are never the same, but we can always try to find calm the best we can in the midst of the chaos, called our lives:)
Serenity...while still living.

Chris is almost home!

He just called from the Coquihala Hwy, north of Kamloops, he'e safe!! I was getting very worried, 12 hours without contact freaked me out. It's not like Chris to not call, but it didn't occur to me that he wouldn't have cell service the whole time. Even now he called from a pay phone. I wished he called from a payphone sooner, but he said they were hard to find and he was just stopping for gas at early hours most of the time. He should be home in 3+ hours, it will be so good to see him home and safe.
Thank-you to those of you that took a moment to pray.

God Bless,

Feather

Please pray for Chris's safe drive home!!!

Chris left right after the concert in Grande Praire Alberta last night. He wanted to drive straight home, to be with us as soon as possible. He would have left about 11pm last night, and i haen't heard from him since, it's now 9:15 am Saturday morning. I was sure he'd call by now and I'm getting very worried about his safety. Please pray for his safety on this drive home. He told me it was a 12 hour drive, but from what I can tell on the map it's about 17 hours.Perhaps he's where there is no cell service, but for almost 2 hours? Perhaps his cell died, but I'm pretty sure he has a charger and he usually would have thought to call on a pay phone by now. I 've left about 6 messages, and slept with the phone by my bed
I'm particuallarly emotional because I had sugery yesterday afternoon. I had general anisthetic and had my portacath removed. So I'm medicated as well as it's very sore where they had to cut out the port as my body grew attached to it for 17 months.
Please stop and take a quick minute to pray that my husband returns home soon to us all, we've missed him ver much over the last 20 days.

Thank-you from Chris and myself.

Many people have asked how Chris is doing and I thank-you for your prayers, thoughts and concern. Thankfully Chris is doing better, not great, but better. He knows he will be able to complete the tour at this point which is very encouraging for everyone. His drumming is getting stronger and he's able to find some joy in the experience. Touring is hard work, with many sleepless nights driving through the night and Chris doing much of the driving. He finds that driving at least helps him take his mind off the pain, and he's able to contribute to the tour this way, when he can't physically do some of the other take down and set up of the stage.
I'm feeling better after a nasty week of cold/flu that's still lingering and after having a little medical procedure done 2 days ago. It was suppose to be done a week ago but got bumped, which was probably for the best since I got so sick this week. If it wasn't for these two ailments, I do believe that I would actually be feeling quite well.I had a day and half last week, int he last 6 weeks, that I actually felt normal and was very encouraged, before the cold symptoms kicked in:( But I was happy to know that feeling that way more consistantly, is just around the corner.
We are growing stronger every day, thank God:)

Standing Tall

I’ve just finished reading the book, “Standing Tall”, A memoir of Tragedy and Triumph by C. Vivian Stringer, head coach of the Rutgers University Women’s basketball team.

Thank-you, brother-in-law Colin for this great book, I’ve enjoyed reading it so much.

This is an incredible life story of one women’s journey from poverty to priviledge; full of tragedy and triumph. With her young life centered around family, education, athletics and adversity, this young women has gone on to have huge success in her marriage, career (on and off the court) motherhood and a fight against cancer. Her life has been put in the spotlight with the good and the bad and sometimes the ugly, but she always stood tall, as her father, who suffered with the lose of a leg at a young age, taught her to always do. Now she has gone on to teach hundreds of young women she has coached directly these same valuable life lessons. Now with her story out, you to can benefit from her secrets of a successful life of faith in the face of discrimination, the finding and losing of great love ( her husband died suddenly of a heart attack at 47 as she performed CPR), the devastation of a child being disabled severely by spinal meningitis, a son being charged with a terrible crime he didn’t commit, a private fight with breast cancer, and the public humiliation of her and her team of young ladies by the tongue of an ignorant man.
When Vivian Stringer met Maya Angelou she bent down to greet her in her wheel chair and Ms. Angelou said to her, “Bend down for no one, and bow only for the Lord.”
Stand tall; was the reoccurring theme as I read personally impacting statements over and over, such as: Oprah saying to Coach Stringer and her team, “You make me proud to spell my name W-O-M-A-N!”

Quotes from “Standing Tall” that touched my heart, moved my soul and brought me to tears:

From Maya Angelou, “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact,it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”

“To think like a champion…that means stepping up, no matter what kind of obstacles life puts in front of you. It means digging deep within yourself and finding the will to fight, no matter how many times you get knocked down. Most of all, it means never taking the easy road out.”

“My hope is that they will come to share my fundamental and unshakable faith: that each and every one of us has the ability to triumph in the face of adversity, to lift ourselves up and succeed, no matter what trials we encounter.”

“…perhaps this terrible thing has happened so that I could go on to inspire others, to give them hope.”

“…to give hope to those without hope, strength to those whose strength had failed.”
“To Rise and give Hope!”

“They say that God never gives you a burden you can’t bear, and maybe that’s true, but I know that there have been plenty of days when I have not been able to see my way forward, days where I have thought, I cannot lift my head and go on. But I know that it has always been better for me to pick up that burden, no matter how heavy, and to carry it to the very best of my abilities.”

“The minute you allow disappointment or tragedy to stop you in your tracks, you have stolen something from yourself, something more precious than you can even imagine: your dreams.
It is through overcoming that we understand what we are capable of; it is only after we have been tested that we can go on to offer comfort to others.”

“Real success is achieved when you set your own worth, fulfill your own destiny, and stand up for what you know to be right.”

“What we have learned, we now must teach.”

“Accept the hand that has been dealt and take a step into the unknown.”

“All you can do is your best and forgive yourself for the rest.”

“Sometimes we are tested so we can go on to help others.”

“Life does get disrupted, no matter what you do or how careful you are. Yet even when you get pushed down, you have to pick yourself up and go on, believing that other good things are in store for you.”

Lyrics from the Yolanda Adams song, “The Battle is the Lord’s.”
“There is no pain Jesus can’t feel, no hurt He cannot heal. No matter what you’re going through, remember that God is only using you, for the battle is not yours, it’s the Lord’s.”

Chris needs your prayers!

Chris was able to see two different Doctor's while on the road, in Newmarket Ontario, and both agreed that he seems to have bleeding ulcers and that if he gets any worse at all, that he needs to get to a hospital ER as soon as possible. Meanwhile he's trying to drum each night the best he can, and he's feeling very discouraged, because he feels so sick. He's in a lot of pain and not able to get the rest he needs to properly heal.
Tomorrow night he's in Sudbury Ontario, after a 5 hour drive tomorrow, and then they have to drive 1000 kms through the night to do a show in Thunderbay. Chris was so looking forward to being on the road touring with the Starfield guys and now he feels like he's letting them down. They have talked about the possibility of Chris needing to be replaced and having to come home to get well. This would not be the outcome that anyone wants. Please pray that this doesn't happen!!
Also pray that Chris feels better and better each day the that his drumming reflects this. WE also don't want him to get so sick that he ends up in the hospital and we don't want the concerts to be negatively effected for the band.
The band has had so many things against them in recent days and months, please pray for their effectiveness in ministry as they all do the best job they can.

Wanting healing for my husband, even more than myself,

Praying wife,

Feather Janz

Sickness, SICK!

I suppose there is never a good time to feel unwell or under the weather. For us right now it is a terribly bad time for Chris and both, because we are both feeling gross. But I get to be home resting with help and really good anti-nausea drugs. Chris is on the road, driving, working and drumming shows each night, while puking, not able to eat and getting dehydrated. The cold and flu symptoms include body pain and discomfort, stomach cramps and pain, headache, major nausea and head cold. Cadence also has it, but she seems to be handling it much better than either Chris or I. I was run down for obvious reasons and chris was rundown because he worked 10 days straight about 18 hours a day, or more, before he left on the tour. We knew he already wasn't doing so great before he left, and then he got worse. Now he's so bad, he's worried that they may have to bring in a replacement drummer and send him home. We don't want this. Chris has been so looking forward to working, performing and hanging out with the guys of Starfield, and to be involved in such a great ministry opportunity. Not to mention we also really need the income that this two and a half weeks of work would bring into our home.
The last week has been very hard on us financially. I've needed more help with childcare with Chris gone and my not feeling well. Plus BOTH our vehicles broke down and have run us up a bill of $2,400! SICK!!
Now that our vehicles are running better, we hope we will as well.
We ask for your prayers as we move forward in so many ways, and face discouragment as it seems we have to take a few steps back first.

Playing my Cancer Card!

Wigs: $1000

Out-of-pocket medication costs: $7,000

Childcare costs for 18 months+ $15,000, $20,000

Use of Your Cancer Card to get out of a ticket when pulled over, bald, by an office of the law:
PRICELESS


THE CANCER CARD:

Here are a few rules to keep in mind:
1- Your membership begins the day you are diagnosed
2- It is nontransferable.
3- There is no annual charge, interest rate, or debt.
4- You may swipe your card freely, but we urge you to use some discretion. Tragically the card can be declined.

Best Shopping therapy Purchase with my cancer card: This would have to be my wigs! The day it was confirmed that I would need chemo and would lose my hair, because the cancer had spread to lymph nodes and was invasive, I immediately bought two really nice blonde wigs. I picked them and paid for them within an hour of this news. I got a shoulder length dirty blonde one and a very long super blonde one. ( the color of blonde that I never dared to bleach mine to:))Within an hour of that purchase, my boss gave me a $1000 cheque, not knowing about the recent therapy purchase.
It was the best $1000 I ever spent on therapy. I hardly ever wore the wigs, I actually ended up preferring going bald, but I had no idea how I would feel losing my life long mane of hair that I was so defined and recognized by. I thought my hair really defined me and my confidence, but I was happy to realize I never missed it, never shed a tear and was thrilled to know that my inner confidence prevailed!
Knowing the wigs were there if I needed them, or if I’d miss having long hair, as I got mine cut off and then weeks later had it fall out in hand-fulls, right before Chris took the electric razor to it in the back yard; they gave me peace of mind whe I needed it in the beginning. They helped take away the fear that I was worried I might have with losing my hair. They were my safety net, just in case I had terrible anxiety over my hair loss. But it never happened, perhaps because of the wigs and perhaps because I was much stronger and more confident than I realized. Either way I never have regretted the purchase, even though I only wore them a dozen times or so.

Best Swipe of my cancer card: Getting out of a traffic violation ticket in downtown Vancouver right before Christmas. I turned left on a no turning left street, the officer was just waiting for someone like me to do this. He wasn’t counting on a young mom, bald, with two little ones in car seats. He asked where my hair went when looking at my driver’s licence full-head of hair. I said, “ I lost it to chemo therapy, for fighting my second fight with breast cancer.” These are your children mame?” “Yes sir, They are 2 and 4, they were only 1 and 3 when I was diagnosed this time.” “Did you see the huge signs mame, saying don’t turn left?” “ No sir, I was distracted, you can imagine I have a lot on my mind. I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.” “ Watch for the signs Mame, and good luck.” WHEW!!

Declined: I think because I haven’t over used my cancer card it hasn’t been declined. Though lately I’m finding it much harder to get babysitters when I want them on short notice, even when I’m paying them really well!

Crazy-Sexy Cancer

Crazy-Sexy Cancer

My Mom gave me the Book, “Crazy-Sexy Cancer” and I’ve been collecting some great quotes from this book that I’d like to share with you. This book is a great hand book and inspirational story for any young woman going through cancer ages 20-60:)

“Survivors are like teabags: You don’t know how strong we are until you dip us in Hot water!”

“By letting go it all gets done.” – Lao-Tzu, Taoist Sage
( My spin on this quote is this: “ Give everything over to God; now it’s His problem and His plan is always greater than my own.”- Feather Janz)

Billboard quote, featuring the “yummy” David Beckham, “IMPOSSIBLE is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given, than to explore the power they to change it. Impossible is an opinion, not a fact. Impossible isn’t a declaration, it’s a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.”
(My version of this quote is, “Nothing is impossible with God.”

Remove these words from your daily speech: maybe, sure, I don’t know, (and this is the best one) you decided.
Re-find your inner voice and verbalize it!

Faux Pas!

Dear friends: Don’t pity me or tell me you know how I feel; you don’t and I don’t expect you to!

Don’t say things like:
- You’re so brave!
- You poor thing.
- Bless your tender heart.
- I’ll pray for you ( and then you don’t, best bet is to pray for the person right then and there)
- Bless your tender heart.
- Whoa!! You’re F%@#*^#@%!!
What is someone suppose to say to those things in my position, Thank-you? Don’t worry? Are YOU okay? Give me a break!!!

Dear friends and acquaintances and family,
Don’t try to bond with me by telling me you know someone with cancer, too, and tey just died! It won’t bring us close.
(Also please don’t tell me about people who survived because they did this one miracle thing, when they don’t even have the cancer I have and you leave me feeling if I don’t do the one life saving thing they did, I’ll die for sure!! Keep it to yourself, especially if you smoke cigarettes!)

Quotes, “You are either a part of the solution or a part of the problem.”

“ The question isn’t who is going to let me;it’s who is going to stop me.”
- Ayn Rand

“While we have the gift of life, it seems to me that the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die-whether it is our spirit, our creativity, or our uniqueness.” – Gilda Radner

“ You can decide you’re going to learn something, but you don’t get to decide what.”

“There was a saying during WW!: “There are no atheists in foxholes.”
Cancer is a foxhole for most who get to have it.

People ask me if I live every moment and day like it could be my last, “Live like youa re dying.”; I suppose I do in someways, but it’s easier said than done, I still scream at idiot drivers and pout when my husband won’t share the remote.”

“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” – John Wayne

Playing the cancer card….I’ll write a whole part just dedicated to that topic!!