I find myself stumbling and fumbling along with physical weakness, and it builds up frustration in me. I cry out inside,"I'm not weak, I'm strong!", as my legs almost give out beneath me. Do I cave into the weakness or do I fight through it? I do neither, instead I pause for a moment, regain my strength and carry on. I do this several times a day, but as the days past chemo grow greater, the times I pause lessen. And then I start all over again. Only two more to go, then the end will be closer in sight.
From the book Blindsided:
"I must rise above the culture of perfection and remember that I can be even if I can no longer do. I am learning to acknowledge weakness, accept assistance, and discover new forms of self-definition."
"I cannot allow myself to be held captive by old dreams"
"Dealing with challenges to health is a great ally in nurturing changes in priority."
Hmmmmmmmm..........
Monday, September 17, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
I've joined a new club!
I joined a new club without even knowing it...it's called the BALD club!
Much like the VW club I was in for many years, VW drivers wave and nod to each other when they pass on the road.(As I've heard motorcycle drivers also do) I've discovered that bald folks do the same thing in passing. Often being bald men they nod, smile, perhaps give a little tap and rub on their bald top, as they pass by. Some even comment on my great look:) This has given me more confidence to go out,au natrual,and to enjoy my "rock-star" look, as my friend Lizzy calls it!
Much like the VW club I was in for many years, VW drivers wave and nod to each other when they pass on the road.(As I've heard motorcycle drivers also do) I've discovered that bald folks do the same thing in passing. Often being bald men they nod, smile, perhaps give a little tap and rub on their bald top, as they pass by. Some even comment on my great look:) This has given me more confidence to go out,au natrual,and to enjoy my "rock-star" look, as my friend Lizzy calls it!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Lifting my life above illness!
I'm reading a book called, "Blindsided", "Lifting a life above illness", A reluctant Memoir, By: Richard M. Cohen. Mr. Cohen was diagnosis with MS at 25 years old and colon cancer, with a reoccurance later in his 50's. He is the husband of TV personality, Meredith Viera, and father to three children. One quote from his book that really spoke into my life was this:
"A child's laughter goes a long way toward maintaining perspective about the future and identifying what is important in the life of a family. Kids define a family's culture, steering the coping process without true knowledge of the journey being undertaken. Their influence is almost mystical.This is truth about any family on this earth, thouhg of course,I see mine as special."
"A child's laughter goes a long way toward maintaining perspective about the future and identifying what is important in the life of a family. Kids define a family's culture, steering the coping process without true knowledge of the journey being undertaken. Their influence is almost mystical.This is truth about any family on this earth, thouhg of course,I see mine as special."
Miracle or no miracle, it's still a miracle!
I wanted to share the following story with you, as it has reinforced my confidence that my death won't be a mistake whenever it is. Even if I pass away prematurely, I don't believe that means a miracle didn't happen. I believe the miracle of my life, was my life it's self. The very fact that I can to be, is the miracle. I'm so grateful to have my life, that lossing it one day seems less important than living each day for the miracle that it is. Having said that, I won't stop praying for a miracle:)
A man from Norfolk, VA called a local radio station to share this on Sept 11th, 2003. His name was Robert Matthews. These are his words: "A few weeks before Sept. 11th, my wife and I found out we were going to have our first child. She planned a trip out to California to visit her sister. On our way to the airport, we prayed that God would grant my wife a safe trip and be with her. Shortly after I said 'amen,'we both heard a loud pop and the car shook violently. I had blown out a tire. I replaced the tire as quickly as I could, but we still missed her flight. Both very upset, we drove home. I received a call from my father who was retired NYFD. He asked what my wife's flight number was, but I explained that we missed the flight. My father informed me that her flight was the one that crashed into the southern tower. I was too shocked to speak. My father also had more news for me;
he was going to help. This is not something I can just sit by for; I have to do something' I was concerned for his safety, of course, but more because he had never given his life to Christ. After a brief debate, I knew his mind was made up. Before he got off of the phone, he said, 'take good care of my grandchild' Those were the last words I ever heard my father say; he died while helping in the rescue effort. My joy that my prayer of safety for my wife had been answered quickly
became anger. I was angry at God, at my father, and at myself.
I had gone for nearly two years blaming God for taking my father away. My son would never know his grandfather, my father had never accepted Christ, and I never got to say goodbye. Then something happened. About two months ago, I was sitting at home with my wife and my son, when there was a knock on the door. I looked at my wife, but I could tell she wasn't expecting anyone. I opened the door to a couple with a small child. The man looked at me and asked if my father's name was Jake Matthews. I told him it was. He quickly grabbed my hand and said, 'I never got the chance to meet your father, but it is an honor to meet his son.' He explained to me that his wife had worked in the World Trade Center and had been caught inside after the attack. She was pregnant and had been caught under debris. He then explained that my father had been the one to find his wife and free her. My eyes welled up with tears as I thought of my father giving his life for people like this. He then said, 'There is something else you need to know.' His wife then told me that as my father worked to free her, she talked to him and led him to Christ. I began sobbing at the news. Now I know that when I get to heaven, my father will be standing beside Jesus to welcome me, and that this family would be able to thank him themselves. When their baby boy was born, they named him Jacob Matthew in honor of the man who gave his life so that mother and baby could live." This story should help us to realize two things: First - God is always in control.
We may not see the reason behind things, and we may never know this side of heaven, but God is ALWAYS in control.
A man from Norfolk, VA called a local radio station to share this on Sept 11th, 2003. His name was Robert Matthews. These are his words: "A few weeks before Sept. 11th, my wife and I found out we were going to have our first child. She planned a trip out to California to visit her sister. On our way to the airport, we prayed that God would grant my wife a safe trip and be with her. Shortly after I said 'amen,'we both heard a loud pop and the car shook violently. I had blown out a tire. I replaced the tire as quickly as I could, but we still missed her flight. Both very upset, we drove home. I received a call from my father who was retired NYFD. He asked what my wife's flight number was, but I explained that we missed the flight. My father informed me that her flight was the one that crashed into the southern tower. I was too shocked to speak. My father also had more news for me;
he was going to help. This is not something I can just sit by for; I have to do something' I was concerned for his safety, of course, but more because he had never given his life to Christ. After a brief debate, I knew his mind was made up. Before he got off of the phone, he said, 'take good care of my grandchild' Those were the last words I ever heard my father say; he died while helping in the rescue effort. My joy that my prayer of safety for my wife had been answered quickly
became anger. I was angry at God, at my father, and at myself.
I had gone for nearly two years blaming God for taking my father away. My son would never know his grandfather, my father had never accepted Christ, and I never got to say goodbye. Then something happened. About two months ago, I was sitting at home with my wife and my son, when there was a knock on the door. I looked at my wife, but I could tell she wasn't expecting anyone. I opened the door to a couple with a small child. The man looked at me and asked if my father's name was Jake Matthews. I told him it was. He quickly grabbed my hand and said, 'I never got the chance to meet your father, but it is an honor to meet his son.' He explained to me that his wife had worked in the World Trade Center and had been caught inside after the attack. She was pregnant and had been caught under debris. He then explained that my father had been the one to find his wife and free her. My eyes welled up with tears as I thought of my father giving his life for people like this. He then said, 'There is something else you need to know.' His wife then told me that as my father worked to free her, she talked to him and led him to Christ. I began sobbing at the news. Now I know that when I get to heaven, my father will be standing beside Jesus to welcome me, and that this family would be able to thank him themselves. When their baby boy was born, they named him Jacob Matthew in honor of the man who gave his life so that mother and baby could live." This story should help us to realize two things: First - God is always in control.
We may not see the reason behind things, and we may never know this side of heaven, but God is ALWAYS in control.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
See you at the Concert!!
Please come and invite all of your friends and family! We really would like this event to sell out, 750 seats to fill! There will be music for everyone!It'll be a professional production of entertainment.
Event Info Name: JANZ FAMILY BENEFIT CONCERT
Tagline: A UNIQUE CONCERT FOR A GREAT CAUSE!
Host: Five Foot Six Productions
Type: Music/Arts - Concert
Time and Place Date: Friday, September 21, 2007
Time: 7:30pm - 10:30pm
Location: Abbey Arts Centre
Street: 2329 Crescent Way
City/Town: Abbotsford, BC
View Map
Contact Info Phone: 778.882.0393
Email: mike.wipf@gmail.com
Description
Janz Family Benefit Concert
Starring Chris Janz with special guests Colin Janz of the band ESPER & Kelsey Olguin
One in nine women in British Columbia will be diagnosed with breast cancer. For Feather Janz she has been that one in nine. Now battling breast cancer for the 2nd time her family is putting on a benefit concert for her September 21st at the Abbey Arts Center in Abbotsford, BC. The Janz Family Benefit Concert aims to raise money that will aid Feather and her family as she battles this deadly disease.
TIME: 7:00pm, Concert at 7:30pm
TICKETS: $24.00 at the door or $22.00 in advance
Tickets available at Abbotsford Tom Lee Music Store Tel: 604-854-3338 or by visiting www.chrisjanz.com
www.myspace.com/chrisjanz
www.myspace.com/espyr
www.myspace.com/kelseyolguin
To learn more about Feather’s battle with breast cancer read her blog appropriately titled “Birds of a Feather” at www.birdsofafeatherfightingtogether.blogspot.com.
OR log on to her website at: www.featherjanz.com
If you'd like to support Feather in her fundraising efforts for the Abbotsford CIBC Run for the Cure please make a donation at www.cibcrunforthecure.com click on to "donate to a participant", write Feather Janz from Abbotsford. Thanks for your support! I've raised $4,000 and it's my goal to raise $12,000! Donations for the run can be made the night of the concert, just make cheques out to CIBC Run for the Cure.
Event Info Name: JANZ FAMILY BENEFIT CONCERT
Tagline: A UNIQUE CONCERT FOR A GREAT CAUSE!
Host: Five Foot Six Productions
Type: Music/Arts - Concert
Time and Place Date: Friday, September 21, 2007
Time: 7:30pm - 10:30pm
Location: Abbey Arts Centre
Street: 2329 Crescent Way
City/Town: Abbotsford, BC
View Map
Contact Info Phone: 778.882.0393
Email: mike.wipf@gmail.com
Description
Janz Family Benefit Concert
Starring Chris Janz with special guests Colin Janz of the band ESPER & Kelsey Olguin
One in nine women in British Columbia will be diagnosed with breast cancer. For Feather Janz she has been that one in nine. Now battling breast cancer for the 2nd time her family is putting on a benefit concert for her September 21st at the Abbey Arts Center in Abbotsford, BC. The Janz Family Benefit Concert aims to raise money that will aid Feather and her family as she battles this deadly disease.
TIME: 7:00pm, Concert at 7:30pm
TICKETS: $24.00 at the door or $22.00 in advance
Tickets available at Abbotsford Tom Lee Music Store Tel: 604-854-3338 or by visiting www.chrisjanz.com
www.myspace.com/chrisjanz
www.myspace.com/espyr
www.myspace.com/kelseyolguin
To learn more about Feather’s battle with breast cancer read her blog appropriately titled “Birds of a Feather” at www.birdsofafeatherfightingtogether.blogspot.com.
OR log on to her website at: www.featherjanz.com
If you'd like to support Feather in her fundraising efforts for the Abbotsford CIBC Run for the Cure please make a donation at www.cibcrunforthecure.com click on to "donate to a participant", write Feather Janz from Abbotsford. Thanks for your support! I've raised $4,000 and it's my goal to raise $12,000! Donations for the run can be made the night of the concert, just make cheques out to CIBC Run for the Cure.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
At a loss for words...
For those of you that know me well, you know I'm never at a loss for words. But my oldest, Carmelle, caused me to hesitate when she stated that she didn't want to grow up and be a lady like me. (I think I was encouarging her to eat her dinner so she would grow up like me) When I asked her why she didn't want to grow up, she said with tears in her eyes, that she didn't want to grow up and have owies on her boobies. I was stunned and didn't know what to say. She understand more than I realize. The truth is that both my girls are genetically set up to quite possibly get breast cancer one day them selves. I finally said, as I fought back my tears, that we'd would just pray that would never happen to her. I now often lay hands on my girls chests while they sleep, and I pray that God will protect their little bodies while they grow, in hopes that they will never have to experience breast cancer.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Up and down, high and low...
This describes my last few days/week. It all started with the worst headaches I’ve ever had, that just wouldn’t go away. I was getting worried that I might have a brain tumor, and this paranoia grew, as more nights passed of no sleep. Sleep deprivation can mess with your mind and cause some mental anguish of it own. The high point in those crazy few days, was going to my naturopathic/chiropractor and having him suggest some hands on prayer in addition to his treatments. The timing was, as always God’s, and four willing participants that I basically knew and just happened to be there, did the honours. I felt very blessed and sensed healing in the words and touch.
As the headaches worsened, I headed to the ER. After 5 hours, I was given a medication that offered some temporary relief, and I was able to get some sleep. A CT scan was ordered, but wouldn’t happen for another 12 days. My oncologist called me at home, after I made attempts to contact her through the cancer agency. She felt that the headaches were a side effect of the new chemo drugs and suggested another drug, which did offer even more relief. Thankfully just as she thought, by day 10, after chemo, the headaches disappeared, (just in time for me to hear INXS sing, “All of your problems, all of you fears and the world seems to disappear, disappear…”)
On Wednesday we discovered our Van just wouldn’t start and fixing it not only was a $600 bill, but meant no vehicle for two days. Not good. Stopped by the church and found a $250 gift card for groceries in our mail box…very good. Friday I took the girls to my parent’s place for Daniel’s birthday party, and Carmelle ran after the dog right past the bbq and got 2nd degree burns on her arm (another 4 hours in the ER) Not good at all!
Saturday night I got a great surprise when my cousins from Fort St. John, Shiloh and Clayton showed in Abbotsford and came to stay at our place. They are two of my Mom’s brother’s children, and he passed away 7 years ago, so we really cherish our visits with them. They are 25 and 23 and beautiful young people that I really enjoyed having around for 4 days. The girls really took to them and they were great with the girls. It was wonderful to see Carmelle and Cadence bond so quickly with their “Uncle” Clayton and “Auntie” Shiloh.
We did visits to Chilliwack to see our Grandma Butchart and Uncle John. We also visited my parent’s on the farm. We went out to a movie, and then the next day to Vancouver. We took the sky train because they and my girls had never been on the sky train. We enjoyed the afternoon with my brother Forrest and Amanda for lunch at the Old Spaghetti Factory, and walked Gas Town and Canada Place. Then we had pizza with my brother Daniel near his new place in Aldergrove. Then on Tuesday we went all the way to Vancouver Island to Butchart Gardens. My cousins had always wanted to go because we are related to the Butchart Family. It was so nice to not only get in for free, $25 per person, but we were greeted by a distant relative, David Ross, and given a welcome gift ( a book about the history of the Gardens) My mom’s maiden name is Butchart and her father was named after his uncle Robert Butchart who founded the gardens with his wife Jennie, just after the turn of the century.
From the sounds of it, my whole week was a high, but no there was a serious low as well.
Chris was to be working in Portland, Oregon for the week, for which he would have mad about $3,000. When he went to the boarder to cross Monday morning, with all his papers in order, doing the same job he’d done the year before, they refused him entry. Not only did they send him home, they first took away his keys, car, cell phone and passport. Then they finger printed him and photographed him and put him in their system for life. He was treated like a common criminal for no reason. He’d done nothing wrong, according to the free trade act, he was completely innocent. They treated him like he was guilty of something, the only thing he was guilty of, was telling the truth.
The job is lost because it was a business conference, a one time job. He turned down other jobs this week to do that one and we are out of luck.
Our four year old daughter said it best when Chris returned home from the boarder. He was preoccupied with his situation and she kept calling out to him, Daddy, Daddy!! Chris turned to her and said, “I’m sorry Carmelle, Daddy’s having a bad day.”
“I know…” she said, “You got screwed.” And with that we almost fell over laughing!
I suppose she’d heard a little more of my cell phone conversation than I realized, we were very upset. We still don’t know what we are going to do financially to get through the month. We need the benefit concert on the 21st to be even more of a success than before, so please buy tickets and tell all your friends and family to come as well!!
I leave for Vancouver tomorrow with my best friend Lizzy, for my sixth chemo, only three more to go! It’s my first one that’s 7+ hours straight. I’ve got movies set for the laptop and we’ll bring snacks. We are looking forward to some good chick time!
As the headaches worsened, I headed to the ER. After 5 hours, I was given a medication that offered some temporary relief, and I was able to get some sleep. A CT scan was ordered, but wouldn’t happen for another 12 days. My oncologist called me at home, after I made attempts to contact her through the cancer agency. She felt that the headaches were a side effect of the new chemo drugs and suggested another drug, which did offer even more relief. Thankfully just as she thought, by day 10, after chemo, the headaches disappeared, (just in time for me to hear INXS sing, “All of your problems, all of you fears and the world seems to disappear, disappear…”)
On Wednesday we discovered our Van just wouldn’t start and fixing it not only was a $600 bill, but meant no vehicle for two days. Not good. Stopped by the church and found a $250 gift card for groceries in our mail box…very good. Friday I took the girls to my parent’s place for Daniel’s birthday party, and Carmelle ran after the dog right past the bbq and got 2nd degree burns on her arm (another 4 hours in the ER) Not good at all!
Saturday night I got a great surprise when my cousins from Fort St. John, Shiloh and Clayton showed in Abbotsford and came to stay at our place. They are two of my Mom’s brother’s children, and he passed away 7 years ago, so we really cherish our visits with them. They are 25 and 23 and beautiful young people that I really enjoyed having around for 4 days. The girls really took to them and they were great with the girls. It was wonderful to see Carmelle and Cadence bond so quickly with their “Uncle” Clayton and “Auntie” Shiloh.
We did visits to Chilliwack to see our Grandma Butchart and Uncle John. We also visited my parent’s on the farm. We went out to a movie, and then the next day to Vancouver. We took the sky train because they and my girls had never been on the sky train. We enjoyed the afternoon with my brother Forrest and Amanda for lunch at the Old Spaghetti Factory, and walked Gas Town and Canada Place. Then we had pizza with my brother Daniel near his new place in Aldergrove. Then on Tuesday we went all the way to Vancouver Island to Butchart Gardens. My cousins had always wanted to go because we are related to the Butchart Family. It was so nice to not only get in for free, $25 per person, but we were greeted by a distant relative, David Ross, and given a welcome gift ( a book about the history of the Gardens) My mom’s maiden name is Butchart and her father was named after his uncle Robert Butchart who founded the gardens with his wife Jennie, just after the turn of the century.
From the sounds of it, my whole week was a high, but no there was a serious low as well.
Chris was to be working in Portland, Oregon for the week, for which he would have mad about $3,000. When he went to the boarder to cross Monday morning, with all his papers in order, doing the same job he’d done the year before, they refused him entry. Not only did they send him home, they first took away his keys, car, cell phone and passport. Then they finger printed him and photographed him and put him in their system for life. He was treated like a common criminal for no reason. He’d done nothing wrong, according to the free trade act, he was completely innocent. They treated him like he was guilty of something, the only thing he was guilty of, was telling the truth.
The job is lost because it was a business conference, a one time job. He turned down other jobs this week to do that one and we are out of luck.
Our four year old daughter said it best when Chris returned home from the boarder. He was preoccupied with his situation and she kept calling out to him, Daddy, Daddy!! Chris turned to her and said, “I’m sorry Carmelle, Daddy’s having a bad day.”
“I know…” she said, “You got screwed.” And with that we almost fell over laughing!
I suppose she’d heard a little more of my cell phone conversation than I realized, we were very upset. We still don’t know what we are going to do financially to get through the month. We need the benefit concert on the 21st to be even more of a success than before, so please buy tickets and tell all your friends and family to come as well!!
I leave for Vancouver tomorrow with my best friend Lizzy, for my sixth chemo, only three more to go! It’s my first one that’s 7+ hours straight. I’ve got movies set for the laptop and we’ll bring snacks. We are looking forward to some good chick time!
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