Posttraumatic Stress

I first wondered if this could explain some things I was thinking and feeling when I read in the book, “Crazy Sexy Cancer” that cancer patients with long drawn out treatments were being compared to having similar emotional reactions as soldiers coming home from battle and rape victims. All having similar life threatening and life altering incidents that changed how they would always emotionally respond and feel; though it would have never occurred to compared myself to a rape victim or soldier of war, I understood. The constant state of feeling that your life is in imminent danger for an extended period of time, can be emotional altering. Even when in reality you should be feeling safe, you don’t.
I just heard a movie quote from a solider saying, “The whole time I was over there, all I lived for, dreamed of and longed for was to come back here. And now that I’m here, all I can think about is going back.” This I understand. Crazy? I thought?
Thankfully the therapist today said to me, “No, not crazy, normal.” I do believe that for the first time in my life, that word sounds so good to me. Normal. I’m not sure I know how, to be normal, but I’m going to try. She says it will probably include weeping, not moving, just feeling, and allowing someone I trust the most to pull me up and dust me off when I’m good and ready. (Whenever that is.)
I’ve spent a lot of energy through my entire life not allowing myself to get on the floor because I was afraid I wouldn’t get back up. My heart is in good hands and so is my soul, I’m ready.
My ears will block all noises such as, “Get a grip!”, Pull yourself together”, “This isn’t like you.”, “What are you doing, do you need help?!?!”, “I thought you were stronger than that.”, “This can’t be healthy.” I choose to ignore all of the above and they have no place in my life or my recovery.
Perhaps you won’t hear from me for awhile. Chris will hear me and so will my medical team on a regular basis. I know I’ll be fine, but if you don’t mind ( and I don’t care if you do or not to be honest) I’m going to fall apart now. And I’ll be back eventually.

Definition:


Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an emotional illness that develops as a result of a terribly frightening, life-threatening, or otherwise highly unsafe experience. PTSD sufferers re-experience the traumatic event or events in some way, tend to avoid places, people, or other things that remind them of the event (avoidance), and are exquisitely sensitive to normal life experiences (hyper arousal). Although this condition has likely existed since human beings have endured trauma, PTSD has only been recognized as a formal diagnosis since 1980. However, it was called by different names as early as the American Civil War, when combat veterans were referred to as suffering from "soldier's heart." In World War I, symptoms that were generally consistent with PTSD were referred to as "combat fatigue." Soldiers who developed such symptoms in World War II were said to be suffering from "gross stress reaction," and many who fought in Vietnam who had symptoms of what is now called PTSD were assessed as having "post-Vietnam syndrome." PTSD has also been called "battle fatigue" and "shell shock." Complex posttraumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) usually results from prolonged exposure to a traumatic event or series thereof and is characterized by long-lasting problems with many aspects of emotional and social functioning.

Survivours Guilt

I know what it is and I know I have it.I remember almost 13 years ago, when my friend Cindi's husband called to tell me that she'd passed in the night from breast cancer. For one brief moment, I had a wave of jealousy, she home and I was here. I had some survivors guilt because I thought she should be around to raise her son, when I had nothing like that to live for.
Now I find myself, scouffing at the lyrics " Only the good die young.", guess I wasn't quite good enough. I need a little more time to figure it all out I guess!
There's life and there's death, our only two certianties. And it is always repeated, Life just isn't fair! Then Death must be fair. We live our life time, how ever long that is, life won't be fair, but before you know it death will be knocking on your door, and it will only be fair.
So perhaps we discard the word fair and make a new phrase, and no not, Life is hard and then you die!
How about....Be in love with life everyday, even though it evetually leads to death.
Do I deserve to survive more than than the next person, absolutely not, perhaps however I owe it to them to give each day a hug for them. A hug is a symbol of so many things, compassion, grief, loss, love, welcome,reunion, warmth and connection.
Perhaps that will help me over come my survivours guilt, if I hug just to hug, to give. That is one expectation I know I can live up to.

"HUG" squeeze, consider yourself hugged (it's part of my recovery:)

The following should be read with caution

Friday, September 26, 2008
These are harsh words, proceed with caution.

I had a breakthrough today, perhaps a break down, I'll have to ask the psycotherapist I meet in Monday, which it was. To quote Jim Carrey, perhaps it was a "nervous breakthrough." I've been asked many times if I'm angry with God for allowing me to have cancer, NO. I've also been asked did I ask "God why me, Why do I have to endure cancer not once but twice" again NO!
But today I broke down in weeping tears "Why not me, Why don't I get to go home to glory now." I felt I prepared for death so well and galliantly. I gracefully took what could have been my final weeks and months in stride, with my head held high.I wasn't afraid to die and I embraced that my life time was exactly that, my life time.
I found peace, and happiness in my life of 36 years.
Today I mostly wept. I'm well and I should be rejoicing. But it occured to me that everyday for the rest of my life I live waiting for the other shoe to drop. Life already isn't fair, and now I have to live with this as well. AM I strong enough? God did you really make me this strong? I feel so weak, unable to encounter life as before. Afriad that others will expect the same, if not more from me. I'm not the same girl, stronger in some ways, but so much weaker in others.
In some ways I feel as though I have so much to give, but the thought overwhelms and exhausts me. How much do I invest into getting better, physio therapy, support groups, counselling, therapy, and of course church prayer and fellowship. How much of that is self-ish and how much of is it for my family?
Living Life, living a good life, is really hard work. And I feel so weak I don't see how it will be possible yet. The transtion into wellness is much harder for me than into illness. At least with illness, I had something to fight for.Now I still want to fight, but what.
I can only beat up myself for so long, then my husband (who doesn't know what hit him) Perhaps I need to take up kick boxing. It worked very well for a friend of mine after breast cancer.
It's easier to fear cancer than to fear life. Life can be a little scary, especially when I fear that I'll just get back into it and this nasty disease will rear it's ugly head again.
Fighting to live , when the fights over....an unknown chapter. (to be continued)

These are harsh words, proceed with caution.

I had a breakthrough today, perhaps a break down, I'll have to ask the psycotherapist I meet in Monday, which it was. TO quote

Quote for today

"Stay in LOVE with LIFE!"

Grab a tissue!

* An old friend shared these lyrics with me. She wrote them a few years ago in response to a story she saw on Oprah. I remembered the story of a young mom terminal with breast cancer, leaving recorded messages for her little daughter to one day watch. The story broke my heart then even before I was a mom myself and encountered the disease again. I thought of this story, inspired by that mom's life and her courage in facing her death. I'd though if my circumstances became similar to hers, that I would want to do something similar for my girls. I've held out hope and have contiued to hold out hope that I won't ever have to. It is my plan, purpose, intention and hope to be able to say all of those messages directly to my girls, in front of them while holding their hands and guiding their lives here.
IT breaks my heart that many young mom's are faced with this reality. It has lingered as a fear for me, but is not my reality. But I'm sure you'll feel the impact of these lyrics, as for me they were so close to my heart, it ached.


To Where I Am
---------------------

vs/
hello angel
happy birthday
my precious baby girl
so, how's it feeling
to be sixteen?
are you ready for the world?
oh, i wonder what new wonders
the world will have seen
by the time you load this tape
in our old vhs machine

right now i'm watching you watch me
hope you can feel my touch
my arms are wrapped around you
and i'm just loving you so much
and baby..

ch/
may your troubles
make you struggle
just enough
to always keep you strong
a child of God
on loan from heaven
may you never feel
that you belong.....to this world
and when the pain of missing me
is more than you can stand
may it keep you on the road
to where i am

vs/
if i know your daddy
he gave you
my wedding rings today
and asked you to keep yourself
for no-one else
til he gives you away
he knows that you've
so much to lose
and everything to gain
just know- no matter
what you choose
he'll love you just the same

every day that i'm in Heaven
he's been thru a night of hell
so if and when he loves again
i pray you'll wish him well
oh, i'd love to tell him

ch/
may you never
think there ever
was any other
you were the BEST thing in my life
that handsome man
who took my hand
and made me a mother
i was so blessed to be your wife....all those years
may you find some peace in knowing
there's a greater plan
and may it keep on the road
to where i am

ch/
take the time
i didn't have
and make it matter
help somebody find The Way
keep pressing on
toward the dawn
straight ahead
and every time you stray...keep looking up!!
remember the story
about Footprints in the sand
and let them lead you up this road
just get here ANY way you can!!!!
may God bless you both
and keep you on the road
.....to where i am xooxxoxooxox

Written by:
Lori-Anne (Siemens) Hlookoff

Thank-you Lori for sharing this song with us!!

God Bless, I feel blessed.

Can you Help with childcare?

Over the next few days Chris and I need a little extra support with childcare. I've not been getting the rest I need post-op, from having my portacath removed last friday. As of today I've been put on antibiodics because I'm not healing properly. Chris is being "super" Dad and husband and is burning himself out. He needs a couple more long, uninterrupted sleeps so he can recover from his cold and "travel" lag from 20 days on the road. It's been hard to keep the girls on routine with Daddy home, they are just so excited! Three days in, we are all crashing from the "high" of having Chris home again:) If you are able to help us out this is when we could use help, tomorrow:
Wed am 8-11:30am
Wed pm 3-9pm
Thursday all day and night 8am-8pm
Friday 8am- 11:30am
Saturday 3pm-9pm
Sunday 2pm-9pm

We don't need help every minute of all those times, but a little here and there would certainly help. Hope to hear from you.(Payment is availabe)