In The Hospital Again (From Chris)

At the beginning of this week I took Feather to emerg again with severe pain in her head and chest. It's now Wednesday night, and the short visit that I had hoped it would be has turned into a few days as they continue to try and find an effective way to treat her symptoms. I wish she was home; even if she's sick in bed, the house feels complete with her here. I like being able to treat her myself, as it makes me feel like I'm doing SOMETHING to help. With her in the hospital there's really nothing I can do except for continuing conversations with her doctors and nurses. I have to remember that she is getting the care she needs there, even if the house feels empty without her. At this point there's no real effort to explain her symptoms as her cancer docs are worrying about what's next, and what her body is doing. I'm hoping that she can come home tomorrow and that there is an effective list of meds that they come up with so that I can keep her comfortable at home.

Today was the first day that I had some help with the kids at home which I grudgingly admit was needed. I ended up sleeping almost the entire afternoon to get me caught up after about 2 hours a night for the last few days. We still have not heard about what the next step is after her scans, and we're anxious to get a firm diagnosis on whether or not we have more cancer to worry about.

My heart has really sunk the last few days as I grapple with the prospect of this whole thing starting over again with chemo and other possible treatments. Life continues to feel like it's on hold; I try my best to make some time for writing and for moving forward musically, but it seems like it's a hopeless endeavor at the moment. The last few days sleep has brought vivid and disturbing dreams about hospitals and doctors, and it seems that no matter how hard I try to force some degree of normalcy on our life, it's an lost cause.

The good news is that Feather does seem to be feeling better today, and I'm hopeful that we'll have a solid plan of action for her treatment at home as well. To those that I've talked to on the phone the last couple of days, my apologies for my scattered conversation. My catch up on sleep today has remedied most of that :)

Please continue to pray for strength for all of us. I cannot help feeling somewhat defeated and helpless lately as my world continues to feel very small, and taken up with the mere act of survival. Pray for Feather, that her pain may subside, and that despite the scans lately, that she would be brought back to health. Pray for the girls, that their amazing spirits would continue to thrive and rise above this mess that our family is in. They really are amazing, and are doing so well in the face of all this.

Feather is in 3 west at MSA hospital in the TV lounge and would love visitors. However, I am hoping that she can come home tomorrow. But we'll see. Give me a call (853-2966) if you're not sure, or give her a call on her cell to chat (854-2800). Thanks again to all for reading, praying and standing with us in this battle. I'll post more as I know more.

Chris

Update (From Chris)

Well, we're back. Disneyland was amazing. The looks in my childrens' eyes alone was worth everything we put into it. Cadence was heard everyday to be shouting, "MICKEY! MICKEY!" We want to say an incredible thank-you to everyone who helped us make this trip happen. Jacquie Claggett, Tim and Carla Neufeld, Rob Ellis, Lisa Witt,Cariboo Road Christian Fellowship and Northview just to name a few. From the bottom of our hearts, thank-you. I didn't really realize how rundown, overworked and tired we all were until we finally had a chance just to enjoy each other as a family and think of nothing but having fun. It seems like years since we've done that.

The day after we got back Feather and I headed back into Vancouver to False Creek Surgical Centre where where through a friend, one of the owners had been incredibly gracious and offered a barrage of tests and medical imaging gratis, on some of the most advanced equipment in the country in one of the best clinics in the country.

Unfortunately, this is where the good news stops. Feather's chest MRI came back as abnormal. So far we just have the preliminary results from the radiologist who did the scans, but in a nutshell he offered two possible causes for the abnormality: Either there was damage caused by radiation (which the radiation oncologist said should not happen as the radiation treatments are focused and very precise), or the cancer has spread.

Most likely the next step will be a thoracic biopsy (which I believe is a laproscopic procedure where they go in and take some tissue samples). We are waiting for the official report from the radiologist, and then a consult with Feather's oncologist to determine the next step.

The radiologist said he thought it looked like lymphatic spread, which could be bad.

So please continue to pray, this is not the news we hoped for. The the spectre that is the prospect of starting this all over again is grim indeed.

One last thing to keep in your prayers... I also have a couple of clients who are late in paying their balance which is causing another level of undue stress as well. Ordinarily not a huge deal, but right now everything feels like a huge deal. Thanks for reading, I'll post more when I have details.

The Latest (From Chris)

Feather's post below is amazing. I love her with all my heart, and I suppose one silver lining in all this cloud is that these trials have galvanized my love for her, and they have shown both of us just how deep the depth of our love for each other is.

Feather has been admitted to the hospital for 4 days for observation, and to try and re-work her medication to try and deal with some of her symptoms. There is a possibility now with all the meds that she has been on that the medications themselves may be at least in part to blame for some of her symptoms. As she has been on some of these medications for quite a while now, it was deemed best that they try and do this under 24hr medical supervision.

Things have been pretty hard for me lately as although I have tried so hard to do everything, and to carry the many burdens that life has given us right now, I have been forced to realize that I am human, that I am not infallible, and that my strength is finite. As Feather is in the hospital now, I am struggling with some deep feelings of inadequacy, and that I am letting everyone down, and that my strength just isn't enough to cover everything.

Please pray for strength for both Feather as she is in hospital, amd for me ss I continue to cope with the feeling that my best just isn't good enough. Also, with Feather gone again now for a few days it is again quite lonely here as again my wife becomes a patient; the house feels empty without her here.

Lastly, pray for the girls, that they weather this newest development in stride, and that I have the energy to be doubly there for them as a father during this time.

Once again, thank-you all for your thoughts, your prayers and your support.

Chris

Another Update (From Chris)

I awoke this morning at around 4:00am to find Feather shaking uncontrollably. barely able to talk or move. Feather was in REALLY rough shape; it was a very frightening scene. After a few minutes of not being able to get her symptoms under control, I called an anbulance. She is now in MSA emerg again. So far we know that some of her liver enzymes are above where they should be, one of her cardiac levels is off (ECG was fine)and she saw a neurologist as well.

Now she is being admitted to the hospital. Later on today she will undergo a liver ultrasound and a spinal tap to rule out mets, either of which would be a vey bad diagnosis.

So please continue to pray. She would also appreciate visitors today at the hospital. After one hour of sleep, I'm going to try and rest now for a bit. I'll update again when I hear more.

Chris

Another Update (From Chris)

Feather had her appointment with her doctor at the cancer agency today before herceptin, and her doctor has noticed a lump under Feather's arm. They're going to schedule an ultrasound to see what's going on. We would ask again that you be in prayer that this is just some scarring, or some other benign tissue, and that it's not cancer attacking a lymph node or something.

They're also going to halt Feather's herceptin treatment for a couple of rounds to see if it may be the cause of her dizziness and foggy head.

This journey is far from over, and we appreciate so much the prayers that you are all offering on our behalf. I'm sure Feather will write more when she comes home today.

Chris

Update (From Chris)

Feather has had couple of really terrible days. Physically she hurts all over, mentally she's very depressed, and she's been more dizzy as well. Please pray that her spirits are lifted, and that her body starts to feel better. She said today that she felt like her personality was changing.

Pray for me also as I have just a huge amount of work to do, and I'm still trying to be there for Feather and the girls at the same time.

I would say that this possibly borderw on the toughest time for us as a family we've gone through since this whole mess started. Thanks again for reading,

C.

Update (From Chris)

Another not so happy update. Last night Feather developed a sudden and terribly severe headache. This afternoon, after driving into Vancouver for her neurology appointment and herceptin she again took a bit of a turn for the worse. She did not feel well enough to drive home, and the nurses confirmed that they did not want her to drive home. So now tonight she is staying in Vancouver in a Canadian Cancer Society building. She may stay there until her MRI in a couple of days. The neurologist also has ordered a brain stem test, as she was VERY dizzy with her appointment with him, so much so that she could not really even complete parts of the neurology exam. Please pray that we figure all this out, and that it's nothing serious.

I must admit, it's hard for me; Feather has just returned from a fantastic time in Vegas, and now she's away again, with symptoms that remain undiagnosed and circumstances that I can't control. I will say this, that if longing makes the heart grow fonder, then I have never been more fond of my wife.

My Wife's Blog (From Chris... to "Sarah")

As a husband with a wife going through danger, my instincts to protect my wife and my family run stronger than they do usually. So to "Sarah" who wrote the insulting comment on my wife's blog: PISS OFF. I'm going to give you my phone number, and I do hope that you call so I can tell you in stronger language what I think of you, and your comments. (604) 854-2808. If you can find the time to get down off of the GIANT freaking horse you're sitting on top of, maybe you can give me a call and answer for the utter arrogance and air of self-importance that you have shown here. God forbid YOU ever get cancer, fight a courageous fight through the whole of it, and then have someone want to encourage you for it.

So unless your next action is to call and appologize and take the verbal thrashing that you'll get from me, don't bother logging on here again. We can do just fine without your comments, or misguided advice, or whatever the hell you thought you were doing.

CHRIS

PS... to those who don't appreciate the strong lanauge, this is the EDITED version.

Update (From Chris)

Feather spent the night in hospital again tonight. Today she developed some blurred vision, another troubling symptom. After talking to our doctor it looks like Feather will get in for an MRI, hopefully as soon as possible. He will also be showing her CT pictures to a neurologist and possibly some docs at the cancer clinic as well. Hopefully these will just turn out to be the continuing side effects of treatment. Must run, kids are awake and I have to put them back to bed. More to come when I have time.

Some News and News Yet to Come (From Chris)

Feather had her scope done yesterday, and it was determined that she has a sizable ulcer which would be causing her an extreme amount of pain. She's on medication now to deal with it. However, they also took a biopsy because the ulcer could have been caused by steroid use (which she received during chemo) or cancer. So we're back to waiting to see if this whole thing is going to start over again. Hopefully I can bring her home today. She will probably request that her port access be left in at least for a few days at home.
On the gallbladder front, the search team lost two more good men today as they continue to infiltrate an organ black market syndicate, with there still being no sign of Feather's. The doctors also still have not come up with anything. Must run now, I'll update more when I hear, or if Feather's home today you won't have to listen to my ramblings anymore.

Chris

Some Good News (from Chris)

So we've had some good news for the time being... Feather's head CT and abdominal ultrasound have come back negative for tumors or mets. However, her pain still remains so this just means that there must be further tests done to figure out what exactly is happening. The ultrasound also listed her gallbladder as removed, when it has not been removed. So we're not sure what to think about that. For the moment she is still on heavy painkillers in the hospital, and we will find out today what tests they will be doing and when. We expect that there will hopefully be an abdominal CT and barium swallow to rule out anything that the ultrasound may have missed. Besides... if the ultrasound radiologist missed seeing her gallbladder, that's probably not a fantastic resume to speak to his ability.

For my part, I'm hoping Feather can come home soon, it's lonely here with her in the hospital and the girls and I are both missing her. Continue to pray that the diagnosis will continue to lead away from anything cancer related, that it's quickly treatable and that we continue to be successful in managing Feather's pain, and that we can do this successfully when she comes home as well. Thanks again for keeping tabs on us. And thank-you for your prayers, they are so needed, and so effective.

Chris