A friend found the best breast cancer awareness button that says, "Save second base!"
I think I need to get some pink t-shirts and print this slogan on them; right across the chest!!
I think I will:)!!
I have a button that my friend Erin gave me when I was 16, it says, "They may be little, but they are all mine!"
The second button once applied but the first one does now!
I'm all for second base even if I don't actually have one anymore.
Actually, I'm all about hitting the ball out of the park, personally:)!!!
Monday, June 29, 2009
1,2,3,4...down for the count:(
My shingles are getting worse before they get better. I'm exhausted and experiencing pains across my back, along my shoulder, down my arm, up my neck and down to my butt. It's crazy that a relatively small rash can cause so much nerve pain. I don't know that I've been able to get enough sleep; the pain makes it hard to sleep.
Chris has now ended up with the vomit flu that Carmelle had last week, only Chris has it worse; for the last 24 hours anyway.
Cadence has the flu as well.
Carmelle had two teeth pulled today, because the adult ones are growing in behind. She had a cavity that had to be done at the same time, and it was really bad she had to have the child's equivilant of a root canal. She cried and sometimes screamed for almost an hour. She did do what she had to do, but didn't like it one bit:(
I came home tense, with a headache and so tired. We all sacked out watching movies, so I didn't have to work to hard taking care of everyone. We'd hoped to have a babysitter help, but I guess she picked up the stomach flu when she was here last week, and was too sick to come and help today:(
Hoping we are all up and running soon and that the tooth-fairy doesn't forget to arrive tonight!!
Chris has now ended up with the vomit flu that Carmelle had last week, only Chris has it worse; for the last 24 hours anyway.
Cadence has the flu as well.
Carmelle had two teeth pulled today, because the adult ones are growing in behind. She had a cavity that had to be done at the same time, and it was really bad she had to have the child's equivilant of a root canal. She cried and sometimes screamed for almost an hour. She did do what she had to do, but didn't like it one bit:(
I came home tense, with a headache and so tired. We all sacked out watching movies, so I didn't have to work to hard taking care of everyone. We'd hoped to have a babysitter help, but I guess she picked up the stomach flu when she was here last week, and was too sick to come and help today:(
Hoping we are all up and running soon and that the tooth-fairy doesn't forget to arrive tonight!!
Friday, June 26, 2009
Loving words from my husband of 11 years:)
Happy Anniversary to us! 11 years later, and my beautiful bride is still my beautiful bride, albeit now with a few "badges of honor" that proclaim her victory over hardship and struggle, each of them just another reason to love her more. And each struggle we have both endured has forced us to dig deeper, to feel more passionately, to judge more wisely, and with each has increased our capacity to love. Love you hon :)
Crazy 24 hours...
In 24 hours...
Carmelle was to have her last day of kindergarten but took to puking instead, poor thing missed her last day of school:(
WE heard of the passing of Farrah Fawcett, the picture of beauty for an entire generation, who lost her life to the horrid disease of which I'm all to familiar...cancer.
Even more shocking was to hear of the sudden death of the world's biggest super-star, Micheal Jackson. We will remember him as a musical genius and father of three.
My shingles became much more painful than I expected, I went to the Dr. and was prescribed a pain medication especially designed for nerve pain. I was finally able to sleep, as the night before I was keep awake from the shingles pain on the right side of my back.
Today, the 26th of June 2009, is our 11th wedding anniversary. We tried our best to celebrate today with some gifts and opening our wedding time capsule for the first time in 11 years.We had a family picnic on the lawn for dinner, but other than that I was laying on the couch feeling crappy, chris was working and Jessyca and her mom took the girls to their place during the day.
I am currently watching the special that Farrah Fawcett about her journey and fight with cancer. I can relate to so much of what she is sharing and experiencing. As I watch I hope and pray that I will never know her part of reccurance, stage 4 cancer,a terminal diagnosis and now death.
I'm camping out on the couch on a mission to rest and get well...and starting to watch "Confessions of a Shopaholic" again.
Carmelle was to have her last day of kindergarten but took to puking instead, poor thing missed her last day of school:(
WE heard of the passing of Farrah Fawcett, the picture of beauty for an entire generation, who lost her life to the horrid disease of which I'm all to familiar...cancer.
Even more shocking was to hear of the sudden death of the world's biggest super-star, Micheal Jackson. We will remember him as a musical genius and father of three.
My shingles became much more painful than I expected, I went to the Dr. and was prescribed a pain medication especially designed for nerve pain. I was finally able to sleep, as the night before I was keep awake from the shingles pain on the right side of my back.
Today, the 26th of June 2009, is our 11th wedding anniversary. We tried our best to celebrate today with some gifts and opening our wedding time capsule for the first time in 11 years.We had a family picnic on the lawn for dinner, but other than that I was laying on the couch feeling crappy, chris was working and Jessyca and her mom took the girls to their place during the day.
I am currently watching the special that Farrah Fawcett about her journey and fight with cancer. I can relate to so much of what she is sharing and experiencing. As I watch I hope and pray that I will never know her part of reccurance, stage 4 cancer,a terminal diagnosis and now death.
I'm camping out on the couch on a mission to rest and get well...and starting to watch "Confessions of a Shopaholic" again.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
New shingles...and not just the kind for the roof.
So we've found out that it's about $12,000 to have our roof done this summer with new shingles; and it's $100 for the anti-viral medication to treat the shingles rash growing on my back!! Both not great news:( but our reality.
I haven't been feeling very well. I thought it was due to asthma and allergies, which I've also been dealing with at the same time. The pain in my back I thought was from all my back problems and from waitressing; though this was a different kins of pain. It's nerve pain that apparently can get quite bad. About two days ago I noticed an odd rash on the right side of my back and down my spine. I thought it was hives, an allergy reaction; only benadryl didn't work.
Then I went for dinner with a couple friends I haven't seen for awhile last night, and one of them had just gotten over having shingles. While driving home I wondered if that's what my rash might be. This morning I looked it up on line and saw that the rash looked and sounded exactly the same. Then this friend told me that the first 72 hours are the most important for treatment. I hope I've gotten the drugs in time.I think it's been just over 48 hours since the rash started, but it's on my back and not where I can see it.
I've booked of the next two weeks off of work. Hopefully I'll be feeling much better by then. If I've caught it late then I could suffer from the nerve pain, aches and rash for many more weeks.
I'm feeling rather discouraged. I can't believe there's another physical set back. I've been feeling so good about moving forward and putting what I thought was the worst behind me. I'm frustrated as I feel so tired, sore and overwhelmed. This is not how I wanted to start my summer:(
Trying not to scratch,
Feather
I haven't been feeling very well. I thought it was due to asthma and allergies, which I've also been dealing with at the same time. The pain in my back I thought was from all my back problems and from waitressing; though this was a different kins of pain. It's nerve pain that apparently can get quite bad. About two days ago I noticed an odd rash on the right side of my back and down my spine. I thought it was hives, an allergy reaction; only benadryl didn't work.
Then I went for dinner with a couple friends I haven't seen for awhile last night, and one of them had just gotten over having shingles. While driving home I wondered if that's what my rash might be. This morning I looked it up on line and saw that the rash looked and sounded exactly the same. Then this friend told me that the first 72 hours are the most important for treatment. I hope I've gotten the drugs in time.I think it's been just over 48 hours since the rash started, but it's on my back and not where I can see it.
I've booked of the next two weeks off of work. Hopefully I'll be feeling much better by then. If I've caught it late then I could suffer from the nerve pain, aches and rash for many more weeks.
I'm feeling rather discouraged. I can't believe there's another physical set back. I've been feeling so good about moving forward and putting what I thought was the worst behind me. I'm frustrated as I feel so tired, sore and overwhelmed. This is not how I wanted to start my summer:(
Trying not to scratch,
Feather
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Not only me
So I have been told
through riddles of old,
that life can be cold
and to watch out for the mold.
But I prefer to see
the warmth in me;
and not to pay a fee
for someone else to hold my key.
The key to my heart;
the place to find a new start.
I will always do my part
and see my existence as art.
Art can never be wrong,
it's in the eye of the beholder.
Whether it's paint, clay or song,
I'm in the hands of the eternal molder.
Mold me, change me;
will forever be my plea.
In the rough waters of the sea;
It's never only me, it is "we".
through riddles of old,
that life can be cold
and to watch out for the mold.
But I prefer to see
the warmth in me;
and not to pay a fee
for someone else to hold my key.
The key to my heart;
the place to find a new start.
I will always do my part
and see my existence as art.
Art can never be wrong,
it's in the eye of the beholder.
Whether it's paint, clay or song,
I'm in the hands of the eternal molder.
Mold me, change me;
will forever be my plea.
In the rough waters of the sea;
It's never only me, it is "we".
As good as gold
As I sense a new lease
and fear is set to release,
My center cries please,
maintain this state of ease.
No more listening to the lying
that my body may be dying.
Life is pressing and prying,
to be set free and start flying.
So off I go in a race to win;
washed clean of past sin.
Embracing anew my loving kin,
receiving my gold prize win.
and fear is set to release,
My center cries please,
maintain this state of ease.
No more listening to the lying
that my body may be dying.
Life is pressing and prying,
to be set free and start flying.
So off I go in a race to win;
washed clean of past sin.
Embracing anew my loving kin,
receiving my gold prize win.
Watching my weight...
Well I figure I put it out there; posting my weight on my blog, so I figure I'll post my progress (hopefully not progress in gaining weight) in this area; I'm hoping it will help hold me accountable and bring more success in the long run. I joined weight watchers with a friend today and we attended a meeting together.
I had great success with in 2 and half years ago when I lost 57 lbs in 8 months on weight watchers; leading up to my cancer diagnosis. This time I have about the same amount to lose; 70 lbs being my ultimate goal which would put me between 145-150 lbs.
I feel amazing at the weight. The last time I weighed that much was when I got pregnant with Carmelle 7 years ago in 2002.
I weighed in at 216.8 lbs today, yikes!! Thankfully I do feel much more fit now then I did about 5 weeks ago. I know I'll be feeling better once I can get my asthma under control and I'll be working more and more at abc as the summer goes on. I worked last night and it went much better than my shifts 2 weeks ago. The next two weeks I'll be working 2 nights a week.
When we get a break from this heat and get some rain, I'll be able to exercise outside again, with clearer air, I'm looking froward to that. I'm quite sad right now, as I pretty much am stuck in doors, with the continued poor air quality.
If you have some weigh you'd like to lose and you'd like to join me on my weight loss journey, let me know and perhaps we can do some of it together:)In the meantime I am still loving my body, I am proud of it for surviving again and holding up as well as it is after all it's been through. I'm thinking I still look pretty hot, and I look forward to looking even better:)After being bald, and on death's door this looks pretty dang good to me!
I've finally lost the dark circles under my eyes that I've had for about 5 years, and my acne cleared up, so what I see in the mirror isn't so bad. When I was in my 20's I looked in the mirror and could only see what I didn't like about my body and appearance, thankfully now in my late 30's I see what I like and find it a lot easier to ignore the rest:)
Still wearing my bikini and getting the best tan possible:)
Feather
I had great success with in 2 and half years ago when I lost 57 lbs in 8 months on weight watchers; leading up to my cancer diagnosis. This time I have about the same amount to lose; 70 lbs being my ultimate goal which would put me between 145-150 lbs.
I feel amazing at the weight. The last time I weighed that much was when I got pregnant with Carmelle 7 years ago in 2002.
I weighed in at 216.8 lbs today, yikes!! Thankfully I do feel much more fit now then I did about 5 weeks ago. I know I'll be feeling better once I can get my asthma under control and I'll be working more and more at abc as the summer goes on. I worked last night and it went much better than my shifts 2 weeks ago. The next two weeks I'll be working 2 nights a week.
When we get a break from this heat and get some rain, I'll be able to exercise outside again, with clearer air, I'm looking froward to that. I'm quite sad right now, as I pretty much am stuck in doors, with the continued poor air quality.
If you have some weigh you'd like to lose and you'd like to join me on my weight loss journey, let me know and perhaps we can do some of it together:)In the meantime I am still loving my body, I am proud of it for surviving again and holding up as well as it is after all it's been through. I'm thinking I still look pretty hot, and I look forward to looking even better:)After being bald, and on death's door this looks pretty dang good to me!
I've finally lost the dark circles under my eyes that I've had for about 5 years, and my acne cleared up, so what I see in the mirror isn't so bad. When I was in my 20's I looked in the mirror and could only see what I didn't like about my body and appearance, thankfully now in my late 30's I see what I like and find it a lot easier to ignore the rest:)
Still wearing my bikini and getting the best tan possible:)
Feather
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
It's good news, with some interesting details.
Today was a good day. No signs of cancer, yeah.
The MRI of my back (my back has been giving me discomfort and I was beginning
to get suspicious of cancer returning there) instead it showed that I have arthritis in three parts of my spine, several bulging discs;mostly down in the pelvic region, and signs of chronic degeneration in much of the vertebrae. But this was all good news for me, as I was half expecting much worse.
I also met with a respiratory specialist who has determined that I have
serious asthma, also a chronic condition that I will have to treat every
day of my life; or else it could become a life threatening situation. This was
a bit of a shock to me, I knew I had some asthma issues, but I had no idea
how bad. This helps to explain many other issues I've had, like the aching
in the my chest, that they have given me anti-anxiety drugs for, and that an
inhaler cures;( I just believed them when they said it was anxiety, I thought
yes of course I could have some anxiety issues, who wouldn't?!?
I'm glad it's all figured out now. I certianly can LIVE with these things:)
The MRI of my back (my back has been giving me discomfort and I was beginning
to get suspicious of cancer returning there) instead it showed that I have arthritis in three parts of my spine, several bulging discs;mostly down in the pelvic region, and signs of chronic degeneration in much of the vertebrae. But this was all good news for me, as I was half expecting much worse.
I also met with a respiratory specialist who has determined that I have
serious asthma, also a chronic condition that I will have to treat every
day of my life; or else it could become a life threatening situation. This was
a bit of a shock to me, I knew I had some asthma issues, but I had no idea
how bad. This helps to explain many other issues I've had, like the aching
in the my chest, that they have given me anti-anxiety drugs for, and that an
inhaler cures;( I just believed them when they said it was anxiety, I thought
yes of course I could have some anxiety issues, who wouldn't?!?
I'm glad it's all figured out now. I certianly can LIVE with these things:)
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Clinging to the good bits.
I've been feeling terribly this week and as the week progressed, I progressively felt worse:( I thought it might be the air quality, as we've been experiencing an unusal heat wave for this time of year. I have to say I was happy to open my local newspaper this morning to see it made headline news. I'm not the only one suffering, the air quality is effecting many people with the exact same symptoms that I have. exteremly irritated throat, sever coughing, wheezing and shortness of breath. The worst is the extreme fatigue that comes with it and gets worse each day. Anyone with asthma of lung problems, that's me, become almost disabled by such weather. It really sucks because I love the heat and sun, and when it's like this I have to avoid going outside at all. Forget going for a walk, not that I have the energy when I'm like this.
So for the first time in my life, I was thrilled to see clouds and hear that there is rain in the forcast, YEAH!! I'll be able to breath and function so much better.I ventured out to a weight loss meeting at curves gym this morning and found out something about my body I've never known, there's so little I dn't know about my body with all it's been through:) I found out that I am big boned!! This was good news because it means I will always weigh more than the charts say I should at my height. IT means that I don't have 85 lbs to lose, according to their charts, but instead only 70! 70 is a lot to lose, but some how it doesn't seem quite so daunting. All those years I fought to be 122lbs, it was no wonder it was so hard to achieve and maintain, because I wasn't meant to be so thin. It is a great excuse for being a little heavy, I can now honestly say, "But I'm big boned:)"
I'm discouraged that on hot summer days I may only be able to exercise in the gym and not out side. I love going for long walks with the girls in the stroller, I suppose this summer time activity will have to become a fall and spring activity when the air quality is better. I joked with Chris that we should move where the air is cleaner...but I don't know if I could ever leave the beautiful Fraser Valley. Perhaps we need to summer in Tofino:) I wish!
So for the first time in my life, I was thrilled to see clouds and hear that there is rain in the forcast, YEAH!! I'll be able to breath and function so much better.I ventured out to a weight loss meeting at curves gym this morning and found out something about my body I've never known, there's so little I dn't know about my body with all it's been through:) I found out that I am big boned!! This was good news because it means I will always weigh more than the charts say I should at my height. IT means that I don't have 85 lbs to lose, according to their charts, but instead only 70! 70 is a lot to lose, but some how it doesn't seem quite so daunting. All those years I fought to be 122lbs, it was no wonder it was so hard to achieve and maintain, because I wasn't meant to be so thin. It is a great excuse for being a little heavy, I can now honestly say, "But I'm big boned:)"
I'm discouraged that on hot summer days I may only be able to exercise in the gym and not out side. I love going for long walks with the girls in the stroller, I suppose this summer time activity will have to become a fall and spring activity when the air quality is better. I joked with Chris that we should move where the air is cleaner...but I don't know if I could ever leave the beautiful Fraser Valley. Perhaps we need to summer in Tofino:) I wish!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Please pray for this young Mom and her family.
Jeanine Leiding is fighting for her life in hospital. A virus has gone to her brain, caused serious fever, and now severe seizures, swelling in her brain and loss of consciousness. This morning she is somewhat alert, on a feeding tube, still suffering from seizures and in a lot of pain. I'm sure she's scared and worried about her family. Her and her husband Dale have 4 young children, the youngest only a few months old (who was still breast feeding).
My husband Chris went to highschool with Jeanine and we got to know them both through our college and careers group at our church years ago, Roaring 20's at Northview. We know what it's like for a young family to experience a Mom being very sick, but this is so much worse than anything that we have been through. It's heart breaking. I know as a Mom how hard it is to fear leaving your babies and husband, and how much harder it is for a loving husband to watch the love of his life suffer and not be able to do anything to make her better.
I know that Jeanine and Dale have many wonderful family and friends around to support them through this time. I know that the power of prayer will bring healing and comfort for Jeanine and the family. The more prayers the better I say, so if you could please add her and the family to your prayer list that would be awesome.
My husband Chris went to highschool with Jeanine and we got to know them both through our college and careers group at our church years ago, Roaring 20's at Northview. We know what it's like for a young family to experience a Mom being very sick, but this is so much worse than anything that we have been through. It's heart breaking. I know as a Mom how hard it is to fear leaving your babies and husband, and how much harder it is for a loving husband to watch the love of his life suffer and not be able to do anything to make her better.
I know that Jeanine and Dale have many wonderful family and friends around to support them through this time. I know that the power of prayer will bring healing and comfort for Jeanine and the family. The more prayers the better I say, so if you could please add her and the family to your prayer list that would be awesome.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
An aahhha moment!
While watching the news I figured out a big part of the reason I've been feeling so crappy today. There was an air quality advisory given for our area. We've been experiencing a unique heat wave, up to 35 degrees C, and the smog had been building up. so the air quality is really bad. I guess yesterday was bad and today is worse, tomorrow even worst yet. When this happens my lungs don't work properly and I get inflamation that interferes with my body getting the oxygen it should, which results in fatigue and soreness all over; partly due to asthma and partly due to damaged lungs from radiation. It's almost hard to explain, I haven't really had it since we were in LA last June in Disneyland and I ended up in bed for a couple of days. That's how I feel now. So hanging out around the hepa airfilter, not going outside ( I love the sun and the heat otherwise:( and using my inhalers extra, is what will help. It sucks, but at least I know what I can do to feel better for now. Sort of encouraging.
Dismayed, disappointed and basically bummed out.
Well today is one of those "down" days that I don't often share about. It's easier for me to share the "up" time and give positive messages. If those are the only ones you want to read, then don't read this one.
I started the day in tears at 5:30 am, when I woke in pain after only getting about 5hours of sleep, because I was kept awake the night before in pain.i worked last night and I have found it incredibly hard physically. I thought I was doing quite well with going to the gym and walking lots, but there's nothing like working hard at a busy restaurant like abc and selling $800 worth of food in 4 hours. I have cried driving home from both my shifts because my feet hurt so much. I haven't been able to sleep those nights with out taking painkillers and icing and elevating my feet. For two days I've have to recover, suffering from muscle aches and pains, sore swollen feet, back pain and fatigue.Just to head back to work in rough shape.
I know when starting any new exercise it takes time for the body to adjust, and this adjustment has been rougher than in the past. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I didn't expect it to be this hard.
I'm also getting a cold I think, or it's just really bad allergies, either way I have a super sore throat, ear ache, headache and cough. I feel generally really run down, which has been a huge change from the last three weeks when I was feeling so good. Perhaps it has been to much. But like many other people, we do need the extra money right now, especially since I was off sick the last 3 months.
I really struggle with holding back. I've always been a bit of an all or nothing kind of person, I don't really know how to do anything half. When I'm doing something I do it 110% and I push hard; or I don't do it at all. This can cause burn out, but I don't really know any different way. So my house is either really tidy and clean, or it looks like a bomb went off. Right now it looks like there was an explosion, only I wish I had the energy to do something about it. I don't.
Just to add to the bummer of my day, I called the Dr.'s office to find out when my surgery will be in July, to be informed that do to long wait lists, and that my situation is not considered urgent anymore, I'm looking at 12-18 months for surgery. I'm terribly disappointed and confused. I thought surgery would be this summer, though I'm kind of glad I don't have to have surgery this summer, I kind of want a break from medical procedures, I just don't want a year plus.
With this news I cried some more. It woulnd't be so bad if my chest didn't hurt everyday and somedays so bad that it makes me cry more. It hurts so much I can't wear a bra without causing severe discomfort. This discomfort will possibily only get worse and it saddens me to think of dealing with this for the next year or more. Not to leave out that it gets more and more difigured all the time. It stopped looking like a breast months ago, and will only get worse. It just looks like a deformed mass on my chest and doesn't look at all like the other one. I've often refered to them as my beauty and my beast, and the beast won't be getting a make-over anytime soon. But that woulnd't be such an issue for me if there wasn't so much pain adn I could wear a bra to manipulate the shape of it.But I can't without suffering further.
I suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself and having a bit of a pity party; I'll get over it, but it's where I am for now.
It doesn't help that i've been excercising a lot for 4 weeks and though I have felt much stronger, I haven't lost and weight and still sit at 212 lbs. This weight is very uncomfortable, certianly doesn't help my foot pain and is additionally uncomfortable in the heat of summer. Thankfully I have a great tan, and I've always said that tanned fat looks better; to me anyway:) My hair is getting so much longer and I've got it super bleach blonde right now (love it!)Plump skin also shows way less wrinkles (YEAH!) so I look younger, only no one recognizes me anyway. Most people still have a skinny blonde with super long blonde hair in mind when they think of Feather; so this way I get to be in disguise everywhere I go (which comes in handy when you don't want to talk about how you are doing with your cancer journey all the time)
I was this heavy once before, 6 months after Cadence was born,when I also went back to work then.Then I did lose 57 lbs in 7-8 months once I went back to work and got more exercise. So here's hoping that might happen again:) In the meantime, I'm not concerned with my weight, because my feet and chest hurt to much:(
I don't have any results from my MRI test last week, I probably won't know anything until I see my oncologist next tuesday.
As it is now I am going to my appointments by myself, on Tuesday June 9th. If you are able to join me for a full day in Vancouver please let me know. I have to leave around 6am for a 8am appointment. Then I have an afternoon to kill with walking, shopping and lunch, before another 1pm appointment.Getting home around 3:30pm.
IT would be nice to share the day with someone, Chris has to work and my Mom will be watching the girls.
I started the day in tears at 5:30 am, when I woke in pain after only getting about 5hours of sleep, because I was kept awake the night before in pain.i worked last night and I have found it incredibly hard physically. I thought I was doing quite well with going to the gym and walking lots, but there's nothing like working hard at a busy restaurant like abc and selling $800 worth of food in 4 hours. I have cried driving home from both my shifts because my feet hurt so much. I haven't been able to sleep those nights with out taking painkillers and icing and elevating my feet. For two days I've have to recover, suffering from muscle aches and pains, sore swollen feet, back pain and fatigue.Just to head back to work in rough shape.
I know when starting any new exercise it takes time for the body to adjust, and this adjustment has been rougher than in the past. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I didn't expect it to be this hard.
I'm also getting a cold I think, or it's just really bad allergies, either way I have a super sore throat, ear ache, headache and cough. I feel generally really run down, which has been a huge change from the last three weeks when I was feeling so good. Perhaps it has been to much. But like many other people, we do need the extra money right now, especially since I was off sick the last 3 months.
I really struggle with holding back. I've always been a bit of an all or nothing kind of person, I don't really know how to do anything half. When I'm doing something I do it 110% and I push hard; or I don't do it at all. This can cause burn out, but I don't really know any different way. So my house is either really tidy and clean, or it looks like a bomb went off. Right now it looks like there was an explosion, only I wish I had the energy to do something about it. I don't.
Just to add to the bummer of my day, I called the Dr.'s office to find out when my surgery will be in July, to be informed that do to long wait lists, and that my situation is not considered urgent anymore, I'm looking at 12-18 months for surgery. I'm terribly disappointed and confused. I thought surgery would be this summer, though I'm kind of glad I don't have to have surgery this summer, I kind of want a break from medical procedures, I just don't want a year plus.
With this news I cried some more. It woulnd't be so bad if my chest didn't hurt everyday and somedays so bad that it makes me cry more. It hurts so much I can't wear a bra without causing severe discomfort. This discomfort will possibily only get worse and it saddens me to think of dealing with this for the next year or more. Not to leave out that it gets more and more difigured all the time. It stopped looking like a breast months ago, and will only get worse. It just looks like a deformed mass on my chest and doesn't look at all like the other one. I've often refered to them as my beauty and my beast, and the beast won't be getting a make-over anytime soon. But that woulnd't be such an issue for me if there wasn't so much pain adn I could wear a bra to manipulate the shape of it.But I can't without suffering further.
I suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself and having a bit of a pity party; I'll get over it, but it's where I am for now.
It doesn't help that i've been excercising a lot for 4 weeks and though I have felt much stronger, I haven't lost and weight and still sit at 212 lbs. This weight is very uncomfortable, certianly doesn't help my foot pain and is additionally uncomfortable in the heat of summer. Thankfully I have a great tan, and I've always said that tanned fat looks better; to me anyway:) My hair is getting so much longer and I've got it super bleach blonde right now (love it!)Plump skin also shows way less wrinkles (YEAH!) so I look younger, only no one recognizes me anyway. Most people still have a skinny blonde with super long blonde hair in mind when they think of Feather; so this way I get to be in disguise everywhere I go (which comes in handy when you don't want to talk about how you are doing with your cancer journey all the time)
I was this heavy once before, 6 months after Cadence was born,when I also went back to work then.Then I did lose 57 lbs in 7-8 months once I went back to work and got more exercise. So here's hoping that might happen again:) In the meantime, I'm not concerned with my weight, because my feet and chest hurt to much:(
I don't have any results from my MRI test last week, I probably won't know anything until I see my oncologist next tuesday.
As it is now I am going to my appointments by myself, on Tuesday June 9th. If you are able to join me for a full day in Vancouver please let me know. I have to leave around 6am for a 8am appointment. Then I have an afternoon to kill with walking, shopping and lunch, before another 1pm appointment.Getting home around 3:30pm.
IT would be nice to share the day with someone, Chris has to work and my Mom will be watching the girls.
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