Well today is one of those "down" days that I don't often share about. It's easier for me to share the "up" time and give positive messages. If those are the only ones you want to read, then don't read this one.
I started the day in tears at 5:30 am, when I woke in pain after only getting about 5hours of sleep, because I was kept awake the night before in pain.i worked last night and I have found it incredibly hard physically. I thought I was doing quite well with going to the gym and walking lots, but there's nothing like working hard at a busy restaurant like abc and selling $800 worth of food in 4 hours. I have cried driving home from both my shifts because my feet hurt so much. I haven't been able to sleep those nights with out taking painkillers and icing and elevating my feet. For two days I've have to recover, suffering from muscle aches and pains, sore swollen feet, back pain and fatigue.Just to head back to work in rough shape.
I know when starting any new exercise it takes time for the body to adjust, and this adjustment has been rougher than in the past. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I didn't expect it to be this hard.
I'm also getting a cold I think, or it's just really bad allergies, either way I have a super sore throat, ear ache, headache and cough. I feel generally really run down, which has been a huge change from the last three weeks when I was feeling so good. Perhaps it has been to much. But like many other people, we do need the extra money right now, especially since I was off sick the last 3 months.
I really struggle with holding back. I've always been a bit of an all or nothing kind of person, I don't really know how to do anything half. When I'm doing something I do it 110% and I push hard; or I don't do it at all. This can cause burn out, but I don't really know any different way. So my house is either really tidy and clean, or it looks like a bomb went off. Right now it looks like there was an explosion, only I wish I had the energy to do something about it. I don't.
Just to add to the bummer of my day, I called the Dr.'s office to find out when my surgery will be in July, to be informed that do to long wait lists, and that my situation is not considered urgent anymore, I'm looking at 12-18 months for surgery. I'm terribly disappointed and confused. I thought surgery would be this summer, though I'm kind of glad I don't have to have surgery this summer, I kind of want a break from medical procedures, I just don't want a year plus.
With this news I cried some more. It woulnd't be so bad if my chest didn't hurt everyday and somedays so bad that it makes me cry more. It hurts so much I can't wear a bra without causing severe discomfort. This discomfort will possibily only get worse and it saddens me to think of dealing with this for the next year or more. Not to leave out that it gets more and more difigured all the time. It stopped looking like a breast months ago, and will only get worse. It just looks like a deformed mass on my chest and doesn't look at all like the other one. I've often refered to them as my beauty and my beast, and the beast won't be getting a make-over anytime soon. But that woulnd't be such an issue for me if there wasn't so much pain adn I could wear a bra to manipulate the shape of it.But I can't without suffering further.
I suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself and having a bit of a pity party; I'll get over it, but it's where I am for now.
It doesn't help that i've been excercising a lot for 4 weeks and though I have felt much stronger, I haven't lost and weight and still sit at 212 lbs. This weight is very uncomfortable, certianly doesn't help my foot pain and is additionally uncomfortable in the heat of summer. Thankfully I have a great tan, and I've always said that tanned fat looks better; to me anyway:) My hair is getting so much longer and I've got it super bleach blonde right now (love it!)Plump skin also shows way less wrinkles (YEAH!) so I look younger, only no one recognizes me anyway. Most people still have a skinny blonde with super long blonde hair in mind when they think of Feather; so this way I get to be in disguise everywhere I go (which comes in handy when you don't want to talk about how you are doing with your cancer journey all the time)
I was this heavy once before, 6 months after Cadence was born,when I also went back to work then.Then I did lose 57 lbs in 7-8 months once I went back to work and got more exercise. So here's hoping that might happen again:) In the meantime, I'm not concerned with my weight, because my feet and chest hurt to much:(
I don't have any results from my MRI test last week, I probably won't know anything until I see my oncologist next tuesday.
As it is now I am going to my appointments by myself, on Tuesday June 9th. If you are able to join me for a full day in Vancouver please let me know. I have to leave around 6am for a 8am appointment. Then I have an afternoon to kill with walking, shopping and lunch, before another 1pm appointment.Getting home around 3:30pm.
IT would be nice to share the day with someone, Chris has to work and my Mom will be watching the girls.
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1 comment:
In a way, it's great to hear about your bad days as well as your good ones. Some days after reading your posts I get so discouraged, everything is going so well for you - and it invariably happens on days when I'm taking high doses of morphine and am lamenting my hair-free head.
Don't get me wrong - I certainly don't want you to ever have bad days, or to suffer - but it does help the rest of us suffering with life-threatening medical issues to know that there are other people who can understand what we're going through. Sometimes, after reading about how everyone's life is so wonderful, I start to wonder what I'm doing wrong, maybe I'm just not strong enough to deal with all this.
After my very selfish post, I do want to say that I only want the very best for you, and hope you're feeling better soon.
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