Could it be?!?!?

Could it be...that I feel normal?!? I had a rare feeling yesterday as I realized for just a moment I felt normal. It seemed like such a foreign feeling, unlike any I'd felt recently, that I almost didn't recognize it. It was called, "Feeling normal." It only lasted a brief few minutes, but I realized it was a glimpse of my "new-normal", and it felt so good!! By the time I really was ready to take it in, it was gone. But it gave me a renewed sense of hope that around the corner, is wellness. I've experienced a few more moments like this today, as we headed to the passport office to get our passports for our family vacation in three weeks. I felt like I could finally get excited about our family vacation/10th Wedding anniversary trip. I feel like I'm going to be capable of having so much fun. I haven't been having very much fun the past few months and I can say that my heart has lightened and my heavy burden has been lifted. I know I'm on the road to wellness in my body, and my spirit rejoices!

Home

I'm home from the hospital. This time it really couldn't come soon enough. After spending a day in the ER, and day and night in a hallway, and then finally into a room where they could fit me. Which was acute care and the three other people in my room were scheduled for changing 3 times a day, needless to say, it was gross. If I wasn't feeling sick to my stomach already, this put me over the edge. I couldn't decide which was worse, the man cursing like a sailor, or the stench of human waste.
Once I started feeling better, hydrated and ran three full days of Iv anti-biodics; my cough let up and I was feeling incredibly anxious to be home. It certianly didn't help that I got my period on Saturday and got seriously uncomfortable with cramps, which they couldn't give me anything for. As all women know, there's nothing you want more when you are on your period than the comfort of home, your bed and the bath. Emotionally I felt wore out, hormones I'm sure didn't help, and my body wasn't rested, as I found it so hard to get sleep in the hospital. That is actually a bit of an understatement, the elderly lady across from me would get lost in the evening and one night I was even woken with her trying to get in my bed. Anyway, it's good to be home though I'm still far from perfect (100%) it's good to be feeling much better. Though I'm probably only at about 40%, it's much better than I was. I actually went down the stairs and wasn't doubled over when I got to the top. I was able to keep a couple appointments today, but with other people (my mom) driving me.
Thank-you for the continued prayers and support.

Loving my home more than ever,

Feather

The Latest (From Chris)

Feather's post below is amazing. I love her with all my heart, and I suppose one silver lining in all this cloud is that these trials have galvanized my love for her, and they have shown both of us just how deep the depth of our love for each other is.

Feather has been admitted to the hospital for 4 days for observation, and to try and re-work her medication to try and deal with some of her symptoms. There is a possibility now with all the meds that she has been on that the medications themselves may be at least in part to blame for some of her symptoms. As she has been on some of these medications for quite a while now, it was deemed best that they try and do this under 24hr medical supervision.

Things have been pretty hard for me lately as although I have tried so hard to do everything, and to carry the many burdens that life has given us right now, I have been forced to realize that I am human, that I am not infallible, and that my strength is finite. As Feather is in the hospital now, I am struggling with some deep feelings of inadequacy, and that I am letting everyone down, and that my strength just isn't enough to cover everything.

Please pray for strength for both Feather as she is in hospital, amd for me ss I continue to cope with the feeling that my best just isn't good enough. Also, with Feather gone again now for a few days it is again quite lonely here as again my wife becomes a patient; the house feels empty without her here.

Lastly, pray for the girls, that they weather this newest development in stride, and that I have the energy to be doubly there for them as a father during this time.

Once again, thank-you all for your thoughts, your prayers and your support.

Chris

Love of my Life...

I thank God every day for the amazing gift He brought to me just over 10 years ago, in my husband, Chris. I can't imagine life without him and I certianly can't imagine getting through this time without His ever present support, love, care and comfort. This time, especailly in the last few months, has been hard on both of us, but I realize it is mostly harder on him. For him to watch me suffer, I know is more difficult than being the one who is suffering. I know that if the worst case senerio were to occur, I'd be in a Divinely better place with divine understanding and peace, while he would be here struggling to carry on as a devoted father and provider. There are times where it is hard for us to maintain a proper husband/wife relationship and instead find our selves as patient and caregiver. Chris is an amazing caregiver, but there are times when I miss my husband and he is missing his wife. There are tears as we cling to the love we have for each other and seek to renew our bond as partners and lovers. When you think of us, please devote time to praying specifically for Chris. He has been the life line for our family through this last year, and we are so glad to have him as our own. As we head into 16 months of living to get through each day, our spirits are often weighted down. We fight together to rise above it, with God's Love, His people's support and all the care that has been given. Through it all we have received many blessing, which humble us daily. For me the greatest blessing has been to share my life with such an amazing man who loves me and his creator with all his being. I love and appreciate my husband more than words can say, but I have tried to express it this way, in this blog entry. I am who I am today, because of the love and support of my husband. Please let that someone in your life know today how you feel and may you contiune on in love.
Continuing on in Love,

Feather

Hospital Patient once again...

It has been decided that it is in my best interest to be admitted to the hospital (MSA) sometime between now and tomorrow night, Thursday. My chest infection has not been getting better, due to my not being able to keep the antibiodics down or to take them regularly enough. The last week I've found my self out of breath from basic activities, heaviness in my chest, violent coughing spells and over all muscle fatigue and joint pain. While in the hospital for about four days, I will receive Iv antibiodics and constant IV hydration, as I've found myself very dehydrated due to vomitting and nausea. If you are available to visit me, I'd love some company, hospital stays can be very lonely.

Better Luck Next Time

I wasn't able to get a ride into Vanvouver for my Herceptin Appointment today. So it's been bumped until tomorrow, Friday May 16. If you are able to help out with driving me, or staying here with the girls, that would be great. Thank-you.

Better Luck next time..

Back to the Basics...

The baseline of human physical existance, an infantile state, is to eat, sleep and poop. This is where I find myself, dependant and void of all the independance I once cherished. Even here I require medicinal intervention to achieve the lowest form of existance. I have troubles in all three of these areas, none of which are coming by me naturally at this time. In order to sleep I have to take sleeping pills, as I otherwise lay there with my mind racing and making restful sleep impossible. To eat, I have to inject anti-nausea medications before I can consider eating a small amount of food, so I don't vomit later. To do the later, I have to take several laxitives a day to try and maintain some regularity. I learnt this the hard way, when I realized, painfully that it had been 10 days since I'd had such movement. Basically I'm in a position where I can't expect anything else from myself but these 3 things and others need to understand that this is where I'm at.

Having fond memories of what it once felt like to be independant,

Feather

Help! I need a ride Tomorrow!

I just got a call from the cancer Clinic in Vancouver. My oncologist wants to resume my cancer treatment, Herceptin ASAP. So I need to be there tomorrow, thursday May 15th at 4:00 pm. Or someone to watch the girls from 2pm-7:30. If you can drive then we'd need to leave at 2pm and will not return until 7:30. Good news is that my vomitting is under control with this new anti- nausea medication (zofran/ondanzetron) so you don't run the risk of me vomitting in your car:)
PLease email or call, fjanz@yahoo.com 604-853-2966 if you can help us out in this way tomorrow.

The Vicious Cycle continues...

The antibiodics I have to take for my lung infection, make me feel nausiated. I have already been throwing them up. I have to take them 4 times a day. When I take them with food, it's more likely I'll throw them up with the food. If I daon't take them with food, I get really bad heart burn, and stomach aches with nausea, but the antibiodics are more likly to stay down, but it's very painful. Chris just gave me the first injection of the expensive anti-nausea medication called Zofran. We tried to get the antibiotic injectable, but the only way I can get that is if I go to ambilitory daycare at the hostipal twice a day. If my chest infection doesn't clear up or gets worse, that is what we will need to do. I really don't want to go to the hospital if we can handle it at home. Riht now I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it. Right now I'm writing on my blog to try and forget, or distrat me, from how sick I really feel. I've been sleeping so much and I believe that my exhausion is from the chest infection and the antibiotcs. I find it very frustrating that the medications that I'm taking to make me feel better, often don't work or even make me feel worse.I hope to get a long and rest full sleep tonight, because tomorrow I have to head to the Vancouver Cancer to see my oncologist. Because of my "vertigo", (major motion sickness) disorder I now dread having to travel anywhere, I fear vomitting there and back. Tomorrow will be a real test as to how well the new anti-nausea medication will work. " Here's to good drugs!!" (cheers)

Vicious Cycle

Now I've ended up with a terribly bladder infection due to not being able to drink enugh water. When I'm so nausated I take more gravol which makes me so tired I sleep more and don't drink water when I'm sleeping. When I wake, even drinking water makes me feel sick. The lung infection also makes me tired, so I've slept alot the last couole days, just to wake to a nasty baldder infection that hurts a lot. It just never seems to end.Being on IV fluids helps me not have this problem. But the IV fluids are hard to get and we ran out on Saturday. Here I go, around and around...praying it will come to an end.

To vomit or not to vomit, that is the question?!?!

My chest infection from last week, when I aspirated, hasn't gotten any worse but it hasn't gotten better. I've still got a bad cough and I feel very weak and lethargic. I'm still not able to eat very much, I pretty much feel nauseated all of the time. If anything it's actually worse because the anibiotics cause nausea and make me throw up. Needless to say all of this effects me emotionally as well, I've cried much more this week than usual.
Mother's Day was intesting, but at least the girls had a wonderful day. They baked with Daddy and made the most delicious cinommen buns, I've actually been able to keep a cople of them down. Then our new friend Amber, who volunteers to watch the girls once of twice a week, took them to the wave pool. They had so muc fun and fell asleep very quickly.
My favorite thing to do with the girls is cuddle at night in our bed while we sleep. We do this every night and it makes me feel closer to the girls and them closer to us. Otherwise I don't have the strengh or energy to do much else with them.
For my Mother's Day I get to buy some new clothes that fit better, since I've been losing so much weight. It's not a diet I'd sugget for anyone, not being able to really eat at all. I'm able to consume some water on my own, but I was feeling better when I was on IV fluids, which I did from Thursday evening until Saterday afternoon.
I have a Doctor's apponitment in Vancouver tomorrow, I started cry when I thought about the long drive and how sick I would feel from it. Then an answer to prayer came swooping in, because our Doctor called to inform us that we've been approved for the really good, and expensive, anti-nausea medication. We were able to get it in the injectable form and we can get it today! I'm holding out so much hope for this medication, that I hope I'm not disappointed. It's about $15 a dose and I need at least 2 a day, possibly more if I'm travelling more.
We are also very pleased with the childcare the girls are recieving. We have one part-time girl who started last week, Alysse Olson, she is great. We will have her until Sept, when she gets married and goes back to school full-time, then we'll only have her sometimes.
We are still in need of a Nanny full-time, which Rosslyn and Candace are still working on for us. They need 30 people to commit before we can hire, they only need 8 more people to help out financilly. If you'd like to help us out in this way, please contact rosslyn. Her contact info is on one of the blog enries from two weeks ago.
We have total faith that God is taking care of us and will continue to do so. We feel so much of the burden lifted already, that Chris and I don't feel so much of that stress anymore. We are still very concerned with my health, and we just hope and pray that there isn't something worse going on that we aren't aware of. Through contacts I've been accepted for a full-body MRI for free, that should be happening in the very near future. We don't want to find anything, but if there is something to be found, we'd rather know now than later, so it can be treated.
We continue to feel very loved and cared for, our support system amazes us at times. We know that we have so much to be grateful for.

Home vs. Hospital

I'm happy to say that I've managed to stay out of the hospital and I'm being well cared for in our home. When I last wrote I was not feeling well but I was able to speak at the Heritage Alliance Church Ladies Spring Tea. I was so glad that I was able to go and I was blessed by the opportunity,in many ways.Unfortunately afterwards I got much worse and began vomitting violently over a few hours that night. It was the worse vomitting exprience of my life, I was sure I was going to end up vomitting blood, it hurt so badly. Thankfully it stopped before that happened, but I choked at one point and feared I'd aspriated some vomit into my lungs. I managed to sleep fairly well, with the help of a lot of gravol. In the morning I woke to a nasty cough, not like any cough I've ever had. I spent the whole day in bed, weak, tired, nauseated and coughing. So this morning when i was even more weak from not being to keep food or water down for three days, I headed to the Dr's hoping not to end up in the hospital again. The Dr decided I needed a chest x-ray at the hospital. Vomitting on the way there, feeling like I could hardly walk, the X-ray showed that I had aspirated. So we got supplies for IV and the anti-biodics I needed so my lungs wouldn't get more infected. Chris got me home and hooked me up. I've been on IV fluid and antibiodics, and plenty of graval, and I'm already feeling much better. I as even able to eat some food later on in the evening and kept down some water and gingerale. I will sleep with the IV fluids running all night and I hope I feel much better in the morning. So now I'm going back to sleep, and I look forward to a new day.
Thank-you Lord for even this day and Bless tomorrow.

I guess it gets harder before it gets easier...

I've have had incredibly rough week...I don't have the strength to write more than the following: Right now it is late Monday afternoon and my stomach is hurting so much I'm crying, I'm afraid I have bleeding ulcers again, which would mean a hospital visit in the very near future.I'm just getting over a very bad head cold, and symptoms of post-tramatic stress. When the news paper arrived with pictures from the Central Heights concert tragedy, only then I realized how close my mom and I were to distaster. Though I'm so thankful that we have recovered, my heart aches for the 41 year old mother of 3 girls, who is in VGH with a broken back and can't feel her legs.
I'm extra emotional because I'm scheduled to speak tomorrow night at a Church Ladies evening Tea here in Abbotsford, and I really want to be well enought to do it. I've got my friend Lisa singing and Mom there for back up if I fall apart.
I hope to write more soon. Thank-you for your prayers and words of encouragment.
God Bless.