Feather's post below is amazing. I love her with all my heart, and I suppose one silver lining in all this cloud is that these trials have galvanized my love for her, and they have shown both of us just how deep the depth of our love for each other is.
Feather has been admitted to the hospital for 4 days for observation, and to try and re-work her medication to try and deal with some of her symptoms. There is a possibility now with all the meds that she has been on that the medications themselves may be at least in part to blame for some of her symptoms. As she has been on some of these medications for quite a while now, it was deemed best that they try and do this under 24hr medical supervision.
Things have been pretty hard for me lately as although I have tried so hard to do everything, and to carry the many burdens that life has given us right now, I have been forced to realize that I am human, that I am not infallible, and that my strength is finite. As Feather is in the hospital now, I am struggling with some deep feelings of inadequacy, and that I am letting everyone down, and that my strength just isn't enough to cover everything.
Please pray for strength for both Feather as she is in hospital, amd for me ss I continue to cope with the feeling that my best just isn't good enough. Also, with Feather gone again now for a few days it is again quite lonely here as again my wife becomes a patient; the house feels empty without her here.
Lastly, pray for the girls, that they weather this newest development in stride, and that I have the energy to be doubly there for them as a father during this time.
Once again, thank-you all for your thoughts, your prayers and your support.
Chris
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6 comments:
Chris, a word of encouragement. I have been amazed at the amount of strength I have seen in both you and Feather during this time. Your family has been a true inspiration to me, and I am sure to many many others as well. I know that this strength you have both exhibited has been straight from God. I don't know either of you very well, and have only recently been back in touch with Feather since our high school days. I honestly wish I could do more for your family. Your family is always in our prayers, and in our hearts. Just keep turning to God, and He and He alone will give you the strength that you need to get through each and every moment of each and every day. This doesn't mean that you can't just let go once in a while to release your feelings. When we don't release those pent up emotions they can eat at us until we do. So as hard as it is to do, especially right now, take some time for you!
Chris -
My father is still, 4 years after my mom's passing, dealing with guilt and inadequacy feelings about how he "could have", "Should have", "might have".... The truth is.. we are given as much as we can handle... I am sure you have done everything you can, and have been there in any way possible. Expecting any more or less of yourself is nothing more than defeating the whole purpose.
I know that all of us watched my father nurse my mother better than any of us ever could have and we are all incredibly proud of him. I too have issues with how I handled it, especially after now having gone through so many of the things she did, I constantly regret not showing her more compassion and understand as she went through it, because only now that I too have experienced it, do I really understand how scared, lonely, and little she must have felt those years she fought.
I can speak as the one who's lost as well as the wife of a man who is trying his own best to deal with my own terminal illness and tell you that the best thing you can do is take pride in everything you are able to do, forgive yourself for the things you cannot, stay positive and see the light at the end of the tunnel... Because if after all that, it is not enough... you can know within yourself that at least you gave everything within yourself to show who and what you can be in a time of need.
I am not sure if much of this makes sense... but it is something I am saddened by everyday as I head my stepfather mourn.... as much for my mother as for the things he felt he didn't do and could have done better and it is my greatest fear in everything I am going through, to think that my own husband could do the same.
I am sure that Feather feels the same.
Chris
your strength and courage are reflected in this post and I just want to say that you rock man!
"big hugs"
Amanda
Chris,
You are one of the best husbands and fathers I have ever known. So many would have not had the strenght to do half of what you have done already. The tasks you have taken on in the past 16 months are amazing. Never feel your best is not enough, you have risen above and beyond. The love you two have for each other is totaly inspirational to many of us. If only I could find a way to have all the peoples lives you two have touched come together all at once to show you both what you have shown or given to others, I know the outpouring would be enormous. I pray you all everyday.
My love and thoughts are with you,
Cindy
Chris, I too have been amazed and encouraged by your strength, dedication and love for Feather. I can only imagine how you feel, but know that you have gone above and beyond for her and for your little girls... I have seen this numerous times. You are an incredible man of God who just keeps giving and loving. You are a wonderful father and husband and your best is enough. I know that God will honour that. I am sure that your strength and endurance has come straight from Him.
Make sure you do let go once in awhile and make sure to take some time just for yourself, especially now that Feather is getting cared for. I will just keep praying for you guys.--Amber
Chris,
Thoughts are with your family during this time. You are an amazing husband and father!
God bless the Janz family.
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