The following should be read with caution

Friday, September 26, 2008
These are harsh words, proceed with caution.

I had a breakthrough today, perhaps a break down, I'll have to ask the psycotherapist I meet in Monday, which it was. To quote Jim Carrey, perhaps it was a "nervous breakthrough." I've been asked many times if I'm angry with God for allowing me to have cancer, NO. I've also been asked did I ask "God why me, Why do I have to endure cancer not once but twice" again NO!
But today I broke down in weeping tears "Why not me, Why don't I get to go home to glory now." I felt I prepared for death so well and galliantly. I gracefully took what could have been my final weeks and months in stride, with my head held high.I wasn't afraid to die and I embraced that my life time was exactly that, my life time.
I found peace, and happiness in my life of 36 years.
Today I mostly wept. I'm well and I should be rejoicing. But it occured to me that everyday for the rest of my life I live waiting for the other shoe to drop. Life already isn't fair, and now I have to live with this as well. AM I strong enough? God did you really make me this strong? I feel so weak, unable to encounter life as before. Afriad that others will expect the same, if not more from me. I'm not the same girl, stronger in some ways, but so much weaker in others.
In some ways I feel as though I have so much to give, but the thought overwhelms and exhausts me. How much do I invest into getting better, physio therapy, support groups, counselling, therapy, and of course church prayer and fellowship. How much of that is self-ish and how much of is it for my family?
Living Life, living a good life, is really hard work. And I feel so weak I don't see how it will be possible yet. The transtion into wellness is much harder for me than into illness. At least with illness, I had something to fight for.Now I still want to fight, but what.
I can only beat up myself for so long, then my husband (who doesn't know what hit him) Perhaps I need to take up kick boxing. It worked very well for a friend of mine after breast cancer.
It's easier to fear cancer than to fear life. Life can be a little scary, especially when I fear that I'll just get back into it and this nasty disease will rear it's ugly head again.
Fighting to live , when the fights over....an unknown chapter. (to be continued)