Friday, September 26, 2008

Survivours Guilt

I know what it is and I know I have it.I remember almost 13 years ago, when my friend Cindi's husband called to tell me that she'd passed in the night from breast cancer. For one brief moment, I had a wave of jealousy, she home and I was here. I had some survivors guilt because I thought she should be around to raise her son, when I had nothing like that to live for.
Now I find myself, scouffing at the lyrics " Only the good die young.", guess I wasn't quite good enough. I need a little more time to figure it all out I guess!
There's life and there's death, our only two certianties. And it is always repeated, Life just isn't fair! Then Death must be fair. We live our life time, how ever long that is, life won't be fair, but before you know it death will be knocking on your door, and it will only be fair.
So perhaps we discard the word fair and make a new phrase, and no not, Life is hard and then you die!
How about....Be in love with life everyday, even though it evetually leads to death.
Do I deserve to survive more than than the next person, absolutely not, perhaps however I owe it to them to give each day a hug for them. A hug is a symbol of so many things, compassion, grief, loss, love, welcome,reunion, warmth and connection.
Perhaps that will help me over come my survivours guilt, if I hug just to hug, to give. That is one expectation I know I can live up to.

"HUG" squeeze, consider yourself hugged (it's part of my recovery:)

1 comment:

Tania said...

I know about guilt- although mine is much more selfish than yours. As a "friend of Feather" I feel guilty that I have great health and you're slowly gaining yours back. I am so busy with kids, school, activities and family that I hardly have time for myself nevermind time for you and your family. I feel guilty that I can't help the way I want to because of where I live- it's just not realistic these days to lend a helping hand. When I think to call or send a note I push it off because there's so much to catch up on and then I feel guilty for not even saying "hello, I'm thinking about you" (which I am!). I'm sure there are others like me that wish they could be more supportive, more encouraging, and more present in your life but can't...and we all feel guilty. I realize our guilt isn't in the same boat but we share the same feeling nonetheless.
That being said I am not writing to ease my guilt (well, maybe a little) but to say HEY GIRL! and I THINK OF YOU OFTEN:)