I saw my oncologist on the 18th of Dec. Very quickly she has arranged at full body bone scan for me, to hopefully rule out any possibility of bones mets (the breast cancer spreading to my bones). I have been having a fair amount of discomfort in certain bones areas and she wants to be sure this is not a cancer problem, hopefully just at arthritic one:)

I should get the results just in time for my birthday,January 3rd. I've been considering going away for a few days for my birthday, I'll be 38 and I found a crazy cheap trip to Vegas leaving the night of my birthday:)Perhaps we'll see?!?! Since having cancer I have become much more spontaneous:)IT really can be so much fun!!

Hope you all have a wonderful recovery week after the crazy holiday schedule!! Just in time to go crazy for New year. Happy New Year 2010!!

My verse for the ending of 2009 and the start of 2010

Isaiah 57:10 "You were tired out by the length of your road, yet you did not say, 'It is hopeless.' You found renewed strength, therefore you did not faint."

Christmas Caroling.

I have organized a spontaneous Christmas Carol sing for tomorrow, Christmas Eve,at the main entrance of Abbotsford Regional Hospital from 2-3pm. If you can join us that would be great:) Our girls are so looking forward to and I've managed to print off some song sheets. Merry Christmas Everyone!!

Olympic spirit is finally here:)

We were so excited for so long about having the Winter Olympics 2010 coming!! Then we tried to get tickets to events:( Not so excited anymore:( My dream of being able to watch Olympic figure skating when right out the window (so much for crossing that off my "bucket list") The cheapest ticket we could find was $400 for one ticket!! Can't afford that. So I figure I'll be cheering from my couch, not quite what I was hoping for.So up until today, these games had left a bad taste in my mouth...

But now an opportunity and $$ have changed my mind:)!! Chris has been given the opportunity to write and record the Olympic theme song for the City of Richmond, which will be used at the Richmond Oval; site of many Winter Olympic events 2010!! YEAH!! This opportunity has already opened more doors of ways his talents will be used during this world stage event. Only God knows what other opportunities could come from this:)

Now the taste in my mouth is SWEET!!

Help me decorate the ARH hospital Christmas tree:)

I have gotten permission to decorate the large Evergreen tree outside the Abbotsford Hospital main entrance! It has a few white lights and that's it:( I'm going to add some Christmas cheer to it Saturday Dec. 19th at 11am-Noon; if you'd like to join me. (I'm working on a red,white and gold theme, but any non-breakable decorations would be welcome)

I was thinking that if you'd like to add a candy cane or two at anytime between now and Christmas; that would be great! I figure the candy canes can be handed out to patients who are there over Christmas. I think it's a good lesson for my children to think outside their box over the holidays.

I was at the hospital today having blood work done for my appointment with my oncologist tomorrow; when I saw this beautiful big Evergreen sponsored by Pharmasave, but with no decorations, at the main entrance to ARH. I thought, "Why has someone not decorated that tree?" and then I remembered one of my life mottos:) "I am someone!!"

It took connecting with 3 people today, but I got permission:) "They" are not allowed to decorate the tree but if someone volunteers to do it on their own, they won't stop them:)SO if you'd like to help me make it happen, let me know, or just show up!

Remember those that are in the hospital over Christmas or that have a loved one there. I remember back two years ago when I had to go for Radiation treatment over the holiday and even on Christmas eve. Since there is a cancer agency there, there will be many patients going for Chemo and radiation over the holiday.

I know some people there will be celebrating as they welcome a new family member during this time; perhaps they could add a pink or blue decoration:) I think I'll be adding a few pink ribbons, for Breast cancer awareness.
Mostly I'll be adding red, white and gold, I figured with the olympics around the corner it would be fitting:)

Remember if you bring a decoration you won't get it back; it has to be unbreakable, able to be well fastened to the tree (to weather wind) and it could even be stolen:(

I spent time in the hospital this last spring which was only one of many hospital stays I have had over the last two and half years. I noticed today that there is a women still there from when I was there in spring. I think of her and others who will be in the hospital over Christmas, especially those who could be facing their last Christmas. I was in the hospital for Easter two years ago, and I can't imagine having to be there for Christmas:(

I figure a colorful tree will help to lift the spirits of those patients (many go out for fresh air when they can; or for a smoke), their loved ones who are coming and going and for the staff who work so hard over the holiday season.

We have already received so much this holiday season, this is something small we can do to share:)

What can you do this Christmas season to brighten the spirits of someone around you?!?

Basically all good?!

So it appears that my situation is caused from re-occuring cysts that have been giving me trouble.These ovarian cysts are probably due to the fact that chemo caused my ovaries to shut down (Chemically induced menopause)and then they fired up again; but not as well as they once were. So this is basically just another chemo side effect really bothering me, two years after completing chemo. I'm happy that it looks like a "normal" situation and not "cancer" related. Though the condition is often uncomfortable and sometimes terribly painful, it's great to know that it's not life threatening.
Having said that, there are other issues that will be looked into more with further tests. The bottom line is that in the last 8 weeks I have not felt well. There were many weeks and months I felt so much better in the last year and a half; I'd just like to feel that good again. I understand that after all that my body has been through I will probably never feel as good as I once did before all this happened (playing soccer and working two jobs with two little kids) I just want to feel as good as I did a year ago, or this past summer.
I meet with my oncologist on Friday and I'm quite certain that she will also order some tests. I'm now awaiting a colonoscepy and what ever else my Dr. says needs checking out. I'm concerned about my right shoulder, is has been hurting since summer, I thought I pulled something but it aches terribly more and more. Since my bones are one of the most likely places for my cancer to spread, I am concerned. My tail-bone has also really been bothering me the last month. If you could pray specifically for these areas I'd really appreciate it.
Over all I'm having issues with feeling lightheaded and even faint feeling a few times a day. I get waves of nausea a few times a day as well.Sometimes I get a feeling like I have a stitch in my right side, so I'm a little concerned about my liver. It is my prayer that my Dr. takes my concerns and orders tests to check my shoulder, tail-bone and liver.Of course the prayer is that there is no cancer in these areas, but I'd also appreciate finding out what's causing me to feel so unwell.

Otherwise I'm trying to be as busy with the Christmas season as possible and doing everything I can to enjoy every minute of it:)

I've posted updated pics of my family on Facebook. If you are not my facebook friend yet please request me as your friend:)

Prayer Request updates: to the left

PRAYER REQUESTS: When I was first diagnosed with my second cancer, my oncologist suggested that I have genetic testing to see if I have a particular gene that causes many different and frequent cancers in young people. She feared I might have this as the two kinds I've already had are two of the kinds often found with this gene. I'd decided I didn't want to know if I had the gene at this time. I may be changing my mind about this soon, as it will probably enable me to get MRI's and PET scans that wouldn't otherwise be available to me. This is something that requires much thought and prayer, because if I tested positive, then this would effect the girls in their future and their abililty to get life insurance etc. Plus then facing the fact that they also might have the gene. It's not an easy decision, I know what it's like to live with a possible cancer diagnosis hanging over your head, I wouldn't want this for my girls.
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Off WORK/ financial stress: I have been off of work since October 6th, due to undiagnosed symptoms of extreme fatigue; lightheadedness, dizziness and generally feeling really weak. I was first tested for a brain tumor, which is the most likely area for my cancer to return, but thankfully my brain was free from tumors:)
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More Tests were done and On October 28th a little something showed up near my uterus that would need to be followed up by further testing. Dec. 7th i had an ultrasound that has now marked this "growth" as suspicious:( It is in an area behind the right side of my uterus. I've found out that this area is called the pouch in women. An area that many tumors grow and can grow very big before discovered. Thankfully mine is not that big yet.
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Though the ultrasound Tech is not able to tell me anything; they are able to communicate a lot by what they don't tell you. Like really aggressive tumors usually show a much greater vascularity (blood supply) than the amount seen around mine, shown with doplar ultrasound. Sometimes Dormid Cysts show up this way. They are a form of a tumor that can become cancerous. I will be awaiting more tests and probably a surgical biopsy in the near future to find out exactly what this mass is.
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Overall I've been feeling quite a bit better since the start of Dec. This seems to be due to the fact that it appears I had a cyst on my left ovary that was making me feel terribly for weeks, but didn't show up on Dec. 7th ultrasounds. These kinds of cysts often clear up on their own. I'm grateful for more energy and being able to prepare for the holiday season. Merry Christmas and Happy New year 2010:)!!
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Reconstruction: My sugery to have my "wrecked" right reconstructive implant replaced will be sometime in summer 2010. My sugery got set way back due to some medical system cut backs. I'm on a cancellation list, so it could be a little sooner. It's certainly not my main concern right now; though very uncomfortable and I'll be pleased when I can have it taken care of. The pain of it still effects my daily life, as it I get a shooting pain from it through my chest to my back, every time i bend over and stand right back up. And it continues to get smaller and smaller as it buckles in on it's self.
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Living with the consent reminder that the cancer could return at anytime is a overwhelming place to be much of the time, especially for Chris and Especially when I'm not feeling as well as I have in the past year. I trust God with my whole life in all things.
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The newest member of our family, a one year old Jack Chi, her name is Lilah Janz.

It's official we have adopted a dog, her name is Lilah and she is a one year old Jack-Chi. Basically she looks like a blond Jack Russell Terrier with a curled up tail; she's adorable! On Saturday I headed to Petsmart to buy a new collar for the neighbor's cat,Cleo...when a little blond pup caught my eye. She tilted her head to one side, looked right at me, and stole my heart. With her one bent over ear and a darker blond butt with a wagging tail she knew she was ours before we even knew it.
The girls took her for a walk around the store while I started the "manipulative" calls,text and phone pics to Chris.

It didn't take much:) He's always wanted a dog, but something perhaps a little more masculine:) Within half an hour he was there meeting her, falling for her and trying to calm the ever so excited two little girls of ours, after he told them we could adopt "Delilah". I don't know who was more excited the girls, us or the dog who'd been rescued in California and now was going to join our family:)

We bought "things" she would need, like food, collar, leash, treats (of course) and pink jackets for her trips and walks outside (she's about 10 lbs) and a toy or two. The girls wrapped most of the things for her Christmas presents. They wanted to do something to prepare for the dog arriving. We had to fill out much adoption paper work, many questions and prepare for a home inspection today. At 5:15 today Delilah, which we've decided to shorten to Lilah, got to come home! We'd already been missing her and were so excited to finally have her here.

Saturday night, as Carmelle, was just tucked into bed, she said, "Mommy, I have tears in my eyes as I think about our Dog. I'm so happy I feel like I might cry." Well that made our hearts melt and confirmed we'd certainly made the right decision; no doubts here! About 2 hours after Lilah arrived, and Carmelle was in the middle of having so much fun playing with her, she said, "I have my own dog!??!!!! If this was a dream..it would be the most wonderful dream EVER!!" WE couldn't be happier with Lilah.
She's got the best little personality, playful and cuddly, patient and quite, content and curious:) She's also potty trained and leash trained, which is a huge added bonus:) She's got us all wrapped around her paw:)

We put her bed in the girls room and put them all to bed together. Awhile later I peeked in to check on them all. I couldn't see Lilah at first and then I saw her, under Cadence! All I could see was her little head and her big eyes peeking out at me. She was peaceful and content, but squished. I moved her but not until Chris could come and see our perfect dog with our perfect girls:) It's just perfect!

Now I know why we didn't get a dog sooner, we were waiting for Lilah and we didn't even know it:)

A quote from Maureen Trainor, I believe...

'May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have receLved, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

Quote for today.

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else" ~C.S. Lewis~

A quote from the blonde of all blondes:)

I'm selfish, impatient, & a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control & at times I'm hard to handle; but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best! ~ Marilyn Monroe ♥

I hear ya Marilyn:)!!!

Night Before Christmas 2009; 20 years of NBC at Nothview and the end of a Era:)

This week starts the final run of NBC; the Christmas program at Northview church. My husband Chris Janz, is producing all of the music for the production and it is sure to be as memorable as the 19 years before it. But this will be the last one:( There will be no more NBC so this is the last time to buy tickets and volunteer.

There are still many tickets available and many volunteer positions open that need to be filled. If you want tickets or would like to volunteer call the church 604-853-2931 and be a part of the magical Christmas experience of NBC that ignites your spirit for the holidays!!

The shows run from the 3rd of Dec to the 13th. Thursday and Friday night there are one showing at 7pm and on Sundays there are two, at 3:30 and 7pm. Tickets are only $10 and include a beverage and dessert at intermission. It's great for families as well; our girls have loved in for years and they are 4 and 6.

You will enjoy a drama, music and hear my husband sing some traditional songs he has redone and brand new songs he wrote just for this show. He will be singing his heart out with his band.

Hope to see you there:)

Happy Holidays!!

Oh how I "love" our medical system; I say through gritted teeth.

I've been waiting over a month for a follow-up ultrasound of my ovaries ( which are kicking up some trouble)and it's been a hard wait wondering what these growths are doing and if they are going to be making my life even more difficult or perhaps threatening my life. The test was to be this Thursday with results for not another week; when I got a call this afternoon that my appointment had to be bumped and couldn't be rescheduled in Abbotsford until March 2010!!! AARRGGhhhhh!!!

With the adreneline of frustration I set into action. I got 6 numbers of other ultra sound clinics from Vancouver to the Fraser Valley and started calling. It looked as though January 14th was going to be the best I could do and I was discouraged, so much waiting:( Then I found a cancellation In New Westminster on Monday, this monday the 7th of December!! YEAHHHH!!! So everything is going to work out just fine. I have to drive a bit further, but I'm use to that.

Though I can't help but feeling sad and frustrated for all the folks who are being canceled ultrasounds in Abbotsford today; those that will have to wait now until March or later because they don't have transportation somewhere else. Apparently a Ultrasound tech of some sort quite their job all of a sudden which has caused hundreds of appointments to be bumped another 2-4 months. Those that have no other support, and may perhaps a cancer that needs to be detected sooner, these folks are slipping through the cracks of our medical system and it is possibly a life altering or life ending result. My heart and prayers go out to these strangers who suffer because they have no other way out. While I thank God that my prayers were answered and I was able to get in when I did.

Dec 7th is my Dad's birthday, Happy Birthday Dad, I pray I get good news for your birthday:)
Dec 8th is my brother's birthday, Happy Birthday Forrest!!

Thought for the day.

An apology is a great way to have the last word.

Nov 5th...two weeks ago; we had to say good-bye.

Two weeks ago it was a blustery day and also the day I lost a friend to cancer. Late in the morning on Nov 5th, I kept thinking about my friend Kristie. I`d been meaning to connect with her for just over a month, since I`d served her and her husband, Ben and their 5 year old daughter Laura, at abc. I kept having this nagging feeling that I should send her a message on facebook. So I logged on to facebook and saw a message saying good-bye to her, that had just been posted. I was in shock I couldn`t believe it; that she was gone. Kristie was gone, she had passed just over half an hour before I logged on to her facebook page. I couldn`t help but think that my spirit had been tugged in her direction as she was letting go. I was overcome with grief. I had no idea that she had gotten so ill so quickly; I was so sad that she was gone and that I didn`t get to visit with her one last time. But that`s the thing with youth lost, there`s never one last visit that could ever be good enough; you are always left wanting more. We all would have wanted more of Kristie, especially her family and loved ones.

I found out through her facebook page that Kristie`s Grandmother was barely hanging on to her life, after a long fight with cancer. Thelma Stewart was 80 years old and 35 years earlier she was anticipating the arrival of her first grandchild, on her 45th birthday. Four days later her granddaughter Kristie was born, on August 26th; two birthdays in one week, which they often celebrated together. Then in January 2005, in the same week, they found out that they were ailing a mutual deadly foe, cancer. They fought this beast for some time, often side by side. Thelma Stewart, an incredibly loving and caring Grandmother, surrendered her fight six hours after her granddaughter did.

In the weeks before their passing, they were just down the hall from each other in the hospital. They visited as much as possible and preempted their own fears, for their care and concern for each other. The family believes that Thelma let go when she knew there was nothing else she could do for her first grand. They also believe that Kristie let go first so she could prep the place for her grandma:) She was always incredibly organized:) Nov. 5th was her other Grandmother`s birthday. She passed away at 46 years old from the same cancer that took Kristie`s life. Kristie had life, because her Mother`s Mom was born on November 5th. The same day that Kristie`s Mom would remember her Mother, Nov.5th, she will now also remember her daughter and Mother-in-law. Please pray for Linda and Alex Stewart, they have lost so much.

A week later, Nov. 12th, a week ago,it was a bright and beautiful day.And I had the honour of attending a combined service celebrating the lives of these two amazing women...women who were both taken to soon. Women who are desperately missed by their families and who will always be loved.The service was an incredible and beautiful portrait of an amazing family; a family broken by cancer...broken but not destroyed. In the midst of their deep grief and pain, they could find hope and reason to celebrate.

The service was held where Chris and I got married 11 and a half years ago.Sitting where I`d made vows to be with my husband until death, made this service particularily emotional. Tears that had bundled up for awhile, came freely flowing. It was time to say good-bye. With courage and sadness I wrote cards for the family and a special card for Kristie`s daughter. The family had requested that we write a memory of Kristie for Laura, for her to read as she grows up, so she can know her Mother, like we knew her Mother.

This was a wonderful idea that I hope my family will never have to recreate for my daughters; But if they must, I think it`s a life giving idea.

Think of something you can do that can be `life giving` to someone today; in honour of Kristie and Thelma.

LOL!

Last night,my four year old daughter, Cadence,laid back in her pillow for bed and proclaimed that she needed some rest and proceeded to put cucumber slices, from snack, on her eye-lids!!! I have no idea where she got that from but we've got a picture to prove it:)

Carmelle called my bluff last night, when I threatened to cut her hair if she kept sucking on it, and she got all excited and announced that she wanted short hair! So Chris and I consulted; as she begged for a hair cut, and I got out the scissors. I cut her hair into a cute bob and it turned out so well, we wished we'd done it sooner. Her long hair was quite fine and now her hair looks so full and healthy.And I missed my calling as a hair dresser:)

Speaking of hair, my hair is now well past my shoulders and I can put it all in a pony tail now, YEAH!! I've been coloring it super blonde, I always wanted to try it but never dared. It's suprisingly healthy and is super thick. My hair grew back thicker than it ever was before, and it was think then. I just bought a straightening iron to style it; I wasn't sure what to do with it because I've never had hair at this stage before.

Our girls arrived late for school today, because the clocks went wonky due to a short power outage last night. We thought we were on schedule at first but then the school called and we were over an hour behind schedule, they called to see if Carmelle wasn't in attendance at all that day. YIKES, that put a fire under our butts and the girls got a quick yogurt tube for breakfast, even quick teeth brushing and out the door. All in all, Carmelle was only 35 minutes late for school, not to bad. We can move when we gotta move:)!!

We are doing a fake Christmas tree this year for the first time. I was sick for a week last year, right when we got the live cut tree. I realized a few days into it that I am allergic to Christmas trees, they make my asthma flare right up. So this year I found a great deal on a gorgeous tree at Value Village, it looks like the $400 tress in the store and I got it for $80:) I'm all about the deals; just scored big time at Value Villages half off sale on Monday; got the last of my Christmas shopping done!!

I want to start decorating for Christmas so badly already, but I think I will hold off for a few more days, but it will be soon:) I love Christmas! The last few Christmases I have wondered if it could be my last...but I am here to celebrate!! But I am here to give and make gifts. I'm making quite a few gifts this year; they are almost done as well. One good thing about being off work and having a little energy, is that I can get all of this stuff done early. I'm hoping that if I'm feeling better that I can return to work around Christmas time. Next is starting the baking:)I am thankful that I usually feel well enough to do these things in my bursts of energy.

Over all I am feeling the same. The mild "improvement" I think this is me just adjusting to feeling this way; my new normal. I still have numerous dizzy spells every hour, and I have to sleep a lot. I feel drained and exhausted most of the time; but when I do get a bit of energy I try really hard to get a lot done. On Saturdays this month I am taking workshops for ECE (Early Childhood Education). I graduated from CBC (Columbia Bible College) in 1993 and I worked for many Years in the ECE field. 1993-1994 at the Salvation Army daycare in Chilliwack. Then as a Nanny from 1994-1996. In 1996 I was hired as the head supervisor at Kids Club at the Salvation army church in Abbotsford and I was there until 2000. In 2003 I was hired as the head supervisor for a brand new centre Called KidsCare at Maranatha Baptist Church. Then I ran a home daycare center when Cadence was 4 months old, until I was diagnosed in 2007.

I certianly don't see myself returning to the field anytime soon, but I think it's important to keep my license. My license has to be renewed every 5 years. The old rules said we had to complete 12 hours of workshops in the five years and work 300 hours in the field. My license expires in Feb 2010, so i started to look into the renewal process last month and found out they now require 40 hours of workshops for renewal and I only had 6. So now I am packing in the workshop hours on Saturdays this month, I'm glad I had time to do it. All I have to do is attend, is it's not hard on me, and I feel it's a blessing that I can do them now while I'm off work.

This waiting period between tests and wondering what is going on with my ovaries isn't easy, but keeping myself busy is certainly helping. I'm also doing lots of crafts with the girls and watching lots of movies, to keep my mind busy. I think the Christmas decorations will be coming out after my workshops on Saturday:)

Happy Holidays!!

Sometimes life has to turn you upside down before you can live right side up!

This one is mine.

My quote for today:

"True freedom comes from absolute surrender."

* This may sound ironic, but it is true in my life. And that doesn't mean I've arrived, it means I'm recognizing the process and attempting to focus on it as much as possible:)

Update

Well, it's been four weeks today since I started not feeling well. Thankfully I haven't gotten worse; but I'm also not feeling much better. I'm currently awaiting more tests; as set of tests this week have shown two suspicious spots, one on each ovary, that are being watched. In about a month we will know if these "spots" are growing or changing and if they are we will "cross that bridge" when we get to it. My symptoms are suspicious of cysts so we are hoping that is what they are. In the meantime we just wait.
I'm not well enough to work, but thankfully I am able to manage most daily activities; just not to many in one day. I sleep a lot and often still feel tired. I'm hoping we get to the bottom of what's been going on with my health sooner than later and I'm praying that it's nothing serious.
There's always the fear that my cancer could return, so we are hoping and praying that this is not the case.
I will know more the first week of December. Waiting really is frustrating; so I'm trying to keep busy with the girls, organizing the stuff you never get around to, catching up the scrapbooks and I'm almost done the Christmas shopping.
Thank-you for your care, concern and prayers:)

Ahhh the imaginations of children!

Carmelle cracked me up when she described the following incident... As she was playing with the cat (which is the neighbors cat Cleo, that has adopted us) Cleo "tooted" (farted) in her face; she thought it funny until... She exclaimed that it smelt like 182 dead rotting flies, with a rotten tomato and apple on top!! Through a burst of laughter I told her that I was sure glad I didn't have to smell it; or describe it for that matter:)!!

Happy Halloween!

As we put the newly carved pumpkins out on the front porch, along with the scarecrow, black cat, and spider laden cobwebs and laid out the horse and alligator costumes; Carmelle , who's 6, made an announcement that made me proud.

She has decided that she only wants to trick-or-treat at three houses because it's so much better giving away treats at our house than going and getting more from others. She's made us feel like we must be doing something right:)

Though tomorrow I'm sure she'll change her mind and last at least half and hour:)
So off we go for fresh pumpkin seed snack from the oven, while leaving a trail of mini candy wrappers behind us:)

Just for fun!

So I saw the movie "whip it" with a girlfriend the other night. I was kind of like watching my 17 year old self and my 37 year old self collide on screen. It was fun, entertaining and scary all at the same time?!? After wards I was left with the thought provoking question, which I spent much time pondering..."What would my roller derby chick name be?"
Something sassy, scary, sexy and fun! A spin on something in my world,that's also representative of my rebellious side.hmmmm... So I came up with, "Pippi Longwhipping". If I could find some roller skates this would be my Halloween costume this year for sure!! I don't think Chris would mind at all...if I give him a minute he'll be off to Value Village looking for roller skates right now:)!!

Pretty Good News!

So I haven't been feeling well at all for about 10-12 days. Getting more and more dizzy, light-headed, loss of balance, staggered walking, dropping things, feeling weak and tired, headaches and it's been consistently been getting worse. I've been getting quite worried when blood work came back all normal and the DR. suggested it could be brain tumors from breast cancer spreading to my brain. Yikes! I hadn't really been worried about it being that, I just know I haven't felt right at all. I haven't been able to continue working, I'm on sick leave right now until I feel better.
The brain CT scan came back normal today, which is great, it means that there are no large tumors growing in there. However CT is not the most effective test for the brain especially when looking for small lesions due to Breast cancer mets (spreading cancer to the brain). I am at an incredibly high risk for my cancer to spread to my brain, it's the most likely place for it to spread.
So more tests now to try and figure out why I'm feeling like this. I'm hoping it's because of the issues with my sinuses; maybe they are effecting my ears which is effecting my balance. I'm waiting for surgery for my sinuses some time in the new year.I've had issues with my balance in the past, but it was very different than this feeling.
So there will be more testing over the next month to 6 weeks and I pray wisdom for my Dr's as they try to figure out what is going on with me. I just want to feel like I did 2 and a half weeks ago, when I spend full days in Disneyland with my family, feeling great! I also want to get back to work, I really enjoy my job and I miss abc:)

Quote for today

" Love thy neighbour, is not a piece of advice; it is a command!" -Bono

Bible Verse for today.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. - Philippians 4:6

Quote for today

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill

So Sad to hear of Nadine's passing...

I met Nadine at "Cancer Camp" just over a year ago and I will never forget her. Not only was she the most beautiful young woman I have ever I have known,Nadine was also so much fun!! She fought breast cancer for years in her young life and passed away just after her 27th birthday.So much sadness.

The following was something she recently posted on her facebook page.

"Life is too short to wake up in
the morning with regrets, so love
the people who treat you right,
forget about the ones who don't,and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it.

Let's take to heart these words that Nadine has to share with us.

Celebrating the life of Jean Depape

There will be a celebration of Jean Depape's Life on Saturday October the 10th at 2pm at the Trinity Memorial United Church, 33737 George Ferguson Way in Abbotsford. Come and celebrate with all those who knew and loved Jean. We miss you already Jean!!

Random info...

MY Exact Age; Sept 28th, 2009

I have been living for 37 years, 8 months, and 26 days.
My age in months - 452 months
My age in weeks - 1969 weeks
My age in days - 13784 days
My age in hours - 330816 hours
My age in minutes - 19848960 minutes
My age in seconds - 1190937600 seconds
I've seen 9 leap years.

WOW! I feel really old all of a sudden and really young all at the same time?!?!

I have lost a wonderful friend; Jean Depape.

A Tribute to my dear friend that I loved so much, Jean Depape.

We have lost an incredible woman. WE say good-bye until we see you again, Jean.
Jean was so much to so many; mother, grandmother, friend, the list goes on and on as she touched lives every where she went.
She has touched my life deeply for over a decade as a mentor, fellow breast cancer survivour and close friend. We spoke recently, just a month ago when I got to share with her my good news of continued cancer-free diagnosis. Our phone call lasted for at least an hour, as most of our calls to each other did. She always started our calls the same way, with her asking if I had time to talk. I'm so grateful for every minute spent in conversation with Jean. I will miss her calls, our talks and her long messages on my voice mail. I'm so glad that Jean was never short with her words; I've appreciated all of her wisdom, humour, incite and love that she so carefully expressed with every word.
I will miss her voice, so distinctive, warm and giving. I will miss her laugh, so heart felt, contagious and bold. I will miss her hugs; so close, sincere and firm.
I will miss her visits, for which she never came empty handed. She always came with a gift for my girls and baking of some kind. But the best part was the visit, that was always to short.
Having tea with Jean was just like hanging out with a girlfriend, only this friend had decades of life experience next to my other friends; which made her visits extra special. Jean may have been in her mid-80's but she was so youthful in her approach to life. It amazed me how "hip" she was:) She was open, understanding, tolerant and adaptable to the world as it changed around her.
AS bold as she was to express her opinion, which was always worth listening to, she was never harsh or judgmental and always listened as well as she spoke. You always got your turn in a conversation with Jean and you were never left thinking, " I wonder what, Jean, thought of that? hmmm." I love that Jean was able to keep up with current events, stay relevant and put in her "two cents" (which was always worth so much more), right up until Sept. 27th; the day she went to be with her Creator and personal Saviour.
Jean loved the Lord and shared His love with everyone. I have no doubt of the love that Jean had for me and my family. I know that she cared for us, prayed for us and will greet us one day when it is our turn to go home.
Jean was a great mentor to me. She inspired me, encouraged me, urged me forward and calmed me down. She always knew exactly what to say to me at the right time, because she knew me well. We'd been travel buddies many times heading into the city for breast cancer awareness events, and on one special occasion we were even roomies, when we attended the World Breast Cancer Conference in Victoria in June of 2002. God knew I needed her in my life on so many occasions but especially at that time; as I'd just lost my very best friend, at 29, 3 weeks earlier. Jean was there for me through the tears and the painful feelings of loss. This time with her was very healing and theraputic for me; time with Jean always left you feeling well cared for.
Though recognized for her strength, resilience, boldness, diligence and stern approach with things she found unjust; she was well balanced with her zest for life, compassion, generosity, hearty appetite for new experiences and her love for fun.
Jean was passionate and joy-filled, hard-working and determined, loving and lovable, focused and giving. She had something to offer everyone and anyone who came near her because she knew that everyone and anyone had something to offer her.
Our lives are richer because we had Jean in it. WE have more to offer others, because Jean gave us so much. We have more love to give, because Jean loved us. We are better people, because Jean showed us how to be better.
Because Jean was in my life...
I AM braver, more educated, probably healthier, have a stronger character and am living a more full-filled life.
Even with the emptiness, I feel now that Jean is gone, I'm so full of goodness because she was there. She was always there for me aadn always had my back.
She urged us to always do our best, strive harder and not to hesitate. I feel so blessed to move forward with my life with her life lessons instilled in me.
I'm thankful for her stories, her sharing, her correction, her observations, her insights, her thoughts, her advice, her suggestions, her deliberate interjections when she didn't agree AND HER LOVE. She always did it all, in love. I always knew she cared deeply and loved completely.
The rewards she is now receiving must be awesome. And while she is receiving her gifts, I'm sure she's taking the opportunity to engage the Lord's ear. And what is pressing for her to say now...is to put in a good word for all of us...because that is her heart.
Please allow your hearts to be filled today, as Jean's. Always putting others first, loving with your whole heart, knowing where you've come from and where you are going and believing that goodness is a gift for everyone.
I love you Jean. I wish this wasn't good-bye but I'm so blessed that we once said hello.

Hope

Heard a great quote today, "Hope isn't only when everything is going RIGHT, it's what you get when you are just making sense of it all."

It's my turn for something else...

It's my turn for something else because I'm done being a cancer patient. The health issues I continue to face have nothing to do with breast cancer. My focus gets to shift away, since being cancer free for just over a year now. Yesterday I had my 3 month check-up at the cancer Agency with my Oncologist, Dr. Karen Gelmon. She is so pleased with how well I am doing, and of course so am I!!

I will continue to see her every 3 months for another year. My blood work came back as that of a healthy person, with this whole Vampire craze, my blood is now desirable; though the blood bank won't take my blood (that's okay, I've had enough of needles)

I had a reality check this visit, as a young woman not much older than myself, came out and I heard her call her Mom on her cell, as her husband sat in disbelief. She informed her Mom that she'd gotten bad news; that her cancer had spread. Her hair was so short she'd obviously just finished treatment recently and already the cancer was fighting hard to take her life. For women that have been through wh
at we have, this is the worst news, this is a terminal diagnosis. IT hit ne hard, that it so easily could have been me...but it's not.

I cling to believing that everything was caught just in time to save my life. The diagnosis, the mastectomy, the treatment, then further treatment, everything timed just right. But I'm also reminded that everything is in His time, even the time I have on this earth.

I had a great talk with a young woman recently that reminded me that we live our lives in fallen bodies, and bad and terrible things can happen in our health because of that. I inherited some bad a terrible genes that caused my breasts to attempt killing me, not once but twice. Now that they are gone, I can live free of their wrath.

I need to express something that has been sitting my heart for awhile. I need to post a message for the "well-meaning" people who have tried to advise me on what I can do to avoid getting cancer again. Things like electrical appliances, sugar substitutes, tanning beds, preservatives etc etc etc. It would be great if it could actually be that simple. The bottom line is that I inherited these cancers, my Gradndmother had breast cancer at 19 years old, the kind I had the first time and my Great-Grandmother died of cancer at 42. They were not exposed to any of the above things, and they got cancer. It happens, whether we like it or not, whether we think we can control it or not, it happens. I know that people say these things to me, out of their own fear of getting such a disease. They need to believe that if they do everything "right", this could never happen to them.

I also believe that because I am still here, doesn't mean that I have done something right and those that are no longer with us, did something wrong. None of it has to make sense, and the stress we can cause ourselves trying to make sense of it, ceriainly isn't going to help out anyone. I have found peace with it not making sense for now. I know that one day, hopefully in the very distant future, it will make sense, when I arrive at my final destination.

So we are celebrating again! We found a super cheap trip to Disneyland at the beginning of October so we are going then with the girls. We were given four three day Park-hopper passes from our last trip, that we have to use within the year. Carmelle had a very scary incident on the submarine ride, that was operator error, that could have caused her serious ingury or even death (it's a long story) so they called after we got home an offered us the passes. Since Carmelle was totally fine, thankfully, we didn't make a big deal about it, but were happy to get the passes.
So we found flights for around $120 each return from Bellingham, and a cheap hotel stay, so off we are all going:) WE all LOVE disneyland!! Especially for that price!!

Making memories that will last a lifetime!!

It's been a year!

It's been a year of being cancer free and treatment free. It was a year ago that I finished my IV cancer treatments at the Vancouver cancer Agency.

The year hasn't been void of bumps and dips, like the big one in March/April when I ended up in the hospital for a month. (Now the Dr's feeling quite certain that I had swine flu, that was just before it hit the media.)Then getting shingles at the beginning of July. I've been feeling really good for about a month now.

My asthma has been much more under control, but with the use of steroids, which has now left me at the heaviest I've ever been, even at 9 months pregnant. 222 lbs isn't exactly where I feel comfortable, but I'm so happy to have a body (one that firstly is alive) and secondly that is able to do everything that I need it to do. There have been many times that I have thought that I might not be able to do the things I'm able to do now. I worried that life would never be normal again. And now it is as "normal" as can be; normal for us anyway:)

My next goals are setting some fitness goals; pushing my body just a little bit harder by walking more, working towards jogging again, hoping to be able ride my bike again next spring, working out at the gym regularly etc. If losing weight becomes a part of that, great, but if not...then I'll just get use to being "Feather on steroids:)"

If you ever wondered what Feather on steroids would look like, this is it:)!! I'm just an expanded version of myself. More to love, as Chris would say:) (LOVE HIM!!) People often comment on my name, especially wearing a name tag at work, but the "Light as a feather" jokes stopped a long time ago:( Lately I've been remembering what I heard my Grandma Bryce said when I was born and my parent's told her my name, she said, "What if she grows up to be fat?!?!!!!" Yikes! I guess she's resting in peace and I'll just leave it at that.

I've been thinking of starting a work-out group that meets at the ARC once a week, called, "Light as a Feather";which focuses more on physical, mental and emotional wellness. Since I have all the fitness knowledge, teaching aerobics for 4 years and working as a fitness instructor and trainer, plus leading running clinics for the Running Room, I have all the info to share. Whether women are trying to get back in shape, take their fitness to a new level, or getting in shape for the first time; I'm thinking we could all do it together.

I'll keep you posted.

Supporting a friend

We have a friend Vince Hartmann who is riding his bike from Victoria to Ottawa. He has set out to raise awareness about addiction and is advocating for a national day of sobriety. He is a recovered addict and is passionate about helping others find healing in their addictions and for the lives of the loved ones who have been devastated by the addiction as well.

We are encouraging others to support him in funds and prayer. He needs money to keep his ride alive. He has already made it to Calgary.

Donations can be made at Wentings cycle shop in Abbotsford on N. Railway and possibly at the CIBC into his chequing account, this is what I intend on doing. Or contact me and I'll be sure to get it to him. That would be a good reason for me to have coffee with some of you regular readers of my blog:) Not that I need a reason, lol!!!

Check out his website: www.nationaldayofsobriety.ca

Thank-you for your support:)

Summer Updates

Wow! Is summer really winding down already?!? Is school really back in session right around the corner? Thank goodness I did the back to school shopping already.

I got good news that I will be able to maintain my medical and dental plan at work with working 25 hours a week starting in mid-September. YEAH! This enables me to build up to working that much in a week. It's very physical work, serving at the abc in Abbotsford, but I appreciate that my body is getting stronger and stronger every week. I worked 18 hours over three days this past weekend and I'm very exhausted, but I could do it; I'm very encouraged! On top of that I made the best tips I've ever made in one shift at abc, EVER!!

Last week, a week ago, my friend Kari and I decided to take a spontaneous trip somewhere. We didn't know where but we both had three days off and her boys were at summer camp, so we packed our suitcases and passports and sat on-line until we found a deal we couldn't refuse.We thought of staying relatively local, but it decided to pour rain those days, great for our environment and air quality, not so good for laying by the pool and working on our tans:)SO up it popped, a trip to Vegas leaving in 8 hours, that we couldn't pass up. So we pulled an all-nighter, felt young again until around 2am, and then found ourselves pool side at the Wynn Las Vegas, in 12 hours!! What an adventure!!

When we saw that that we had to switch planes in LA, I told Kari, perhaps we'll see someone famous. We ended up on the plane with Criss Angel and ended up standing right beside him in first class as we made our way back to row 22 in economy:)

Pool side our last morning, I recognized the man next to me and I ended up in conversation with him and his wife for sometime. He was Mikko Brando, Micheal Jackson's best friend and son of Marlon Brando, I recognized him from Live with Larry King on CNN. I also recognized his voice and the large diamond cross he wore around his neck. He and his wife (Karen) were very kind and down to earth. We talked about losing our best friends, his friends children missing their Dad, my fears of leaving my children motherless from breast cancer, his adventures in Canada with Micheal, how he's coping now with Micheal being gone and how hard it is to avoid the media. It was a very interesting encounter, one I'll certainly never forget:)

Kari and I did many things we would normally never do:) What Happens in Vegas stays in Vegas:)!! NO!! But we did watch TV on the flat screen TV in our bathroom while having a bath (seperately:)went dancing at 1am, after a late night nap; went walking the Vegas strip until 5:30 am, had a drink by the pool before lunch...we are such rebels!! It was a wonderful get-away!!

Chris did a great job of managing house, girls and work while I was gone, with some help of babysitters and my parent's. When I got home we had house guests right away. Our friends Doug and Cynthia Peters arrived with their three young children from LA. They were in Abbotsford for a family wedding and we had the room for them for 5 nights. The girls loved playing with their girls the same ages and their baby boy, a year old. We will miss them when they leave tomorrow. We hope to visit them at their home on our next trip to LA, which we hope will be next spring.

We are finally all healthy, awaiting follow-up Dr's appointment's, but able to live life to the full and experience all that life has to bring. We are planning a short camping trip with the girls this week, a day at the water slides, a beach day and visit with more friends, all before my next set of days at work. Chris and I are planning a get-away for just the two of us in a month, and work has been quite steady for him.

Chris is excited to start working on music for our church's Christmas production, NBC. He's trying to fit in time to finish up songs for his next cd, which I hope will be ready for release next spring sometime. He's got some exciting projects starting soon and ones that we are hoping he will land. We still feel so blessed by our home and that it contains a great studio for Chris to work out of downstairs.

Life is good.

The sun is shining and Breathing is a little easier these days:)

Really?!? Wow.

I took this quiz that tells you which woman in the Bible you are most like and a description of yourself. I was very surprised with the outcome:)

Which mighty woman of the Bible are you most like? quiz and the result is You are most like DEBORAH

You aren't afraid to speak your mind. You know what you want, and go for it. You are motivated, and you revel in personal victories. You are wise in many ways, and you know well, and trust the God you serve. You are courageous, and can look fear in the face. You are a victor.

Hope.

My dear little four year old just handed me a card in an envelope, one she signed, that made my heart melt.

It says," Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without words and never stops - at all." Emily Dickinson

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.

More to share.

I was thinking of Rachel a lot today and realized it has been a month since her passing. Her message continues to spread around the world, just a reminder to all of us that death is not dying and that there is life after this one. I came upon a written version of most of her talk and I want to share it now. If you haven't had a chance to listen to her talk I hope you can take the time to read this.

Rachel: Know the Gospel. The Gospel, for those who are unfamiliar with the term, means “good news,” the good news that, in light of God's perfection and our imperfection, God has made a way for us to know Him, and that way is Jesus.

Paul, speaking in his letter to the church in Corinth says,

For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures (1 Corinthians 15:3-4).

When I was a kid, I must have prayed a bunch of times for Jesus to come into my heart. I thought that I had asked Him to come in, but I was afraid He might have left.

Then when I got older and was sure that He hadn't left, I didn't really understand the difference that it made for me now. I had my ticket to heaven, so to speak, but what difference did this good news make to me now, today? All the difference in the world, and let me tell you why.

What happened on the cross at Calvary was that every sin of every person was placed on Jesus, and God the Father poured out His wrath on His Son. God looked at Jesus, His Son, as if He had committed the sins of horrible men and women and was punished for it, not just the murderers and the child molesters, yes, them too. But my sins and your sins, all the pride, all the selfishness, all the lies, all the unkind thoughts and actions.

The second part of Isaiah 53:6 talks to this. The first part we read earlier is about our sin, and then we find out what God has done with it.

All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his [or her] own way; and the LORD has laid on him [Jesus] the iniquity of us all.

When you know the Gospel, when you know what has been done for you and you remind yourself of it every day, you don't get offended when someone criticizes you, because you realize that you actually deserve much harsher criticism, but you've avoided it because of Jesus.

You forgive your husband or your friend when they slight you or treat you unkindly because you realize how much you have already been forgiven because of Jesus. You're okay with it when you don't get the credit you deserve, or worse, when somebody else gets it, because you know that you have been given far more than you deserve because of Jesus.

The Gospel is not just a ticket to heaven. It is a whole way of living. Some of you who know Jesus still struggle to understand how this applies to your daily life, and even if you do understand, my challenge to you is this: talk to yourself.

Martyn Lloyd-Jones says, “Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself rather than talking to yourself?” We do it to ourselves every day. Every morning, we wake up, and it begins.

“What day is it? Wednesday, oh great, another day of laundry and errands. It is never ending, and oh, the car is making that funny noise.” You need to get it fixed. Then your feet hit the floor, and the talking continues. “Doesn't anyone in this family know how to put away the toothpaste?” and on it goes, all day.

C. J. Mahaney says in his book, The Cross-Centered Life.

On a daily basis, we are faced with two simple choices. We can either listen to ourselves and our constantly changing feelings about our circumstances, or we can talk to ourselves about the unchanging truth of who God is and what He's accomplished on the cross for us in His Son, Jesus.

I realized that I was spending more time listening to myself rather than talking to myself. But because I knew God, I knew myself, and I knew the Gospel, I began to remind myself of these truths daily.I would read books that reminded me of who God is and what Jesus has done for me.

I was in a regular Bible study with others who were likeminded in their desire to know Jesus and to seek truth. I made and committed to a plan to regularly read the Bible. I attended a church where Jesus, who He was and what He accomplished on the cross, was regularly taught. I chose friends who would encourage and challenge me in my spiritual walk.

All these things I would encourage each of you to do, too, in your efforts to know Jesus and to talk to yourself. If you haven't already,

* Make and stick to a plan to read the Bible.
* Join a small group Bible study.
* Read good books, and I mean books that might even make you uncomfortable.
* Choose friends who want to know Jesus like you do. I have great friends, truly. I don't do many things well, but the one thing I have done well is to pick good friends.
* Choose a good church that talks a lot about Jesus.

Because I have done these things, in the midst of conflict, I am able to remind myself of the Gospel.

The final thing I have learned: know your purpose. The Westminster Catechism (a lot of you probably haven't heard that one before) states, “The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him.” This seems at first blush a rather odd thing to have as our purpose. It goes against everything our culture tells us that we should want or live for.

First of all, to glorify God, what kind of purpose is that? Is God arrogant, selfish, or meglomaniacal to want things for His glory? I wish I could answer that for you in depth. Time does not permit, but ask it. Ask it and seek the answer.

Don't just dismiss God or assume that you know who He is because you don't understand Him. He is knowable. If you seek the truth, it will stand under the hard questions.

As a brief answer, we start where we began. Know God. We know God is perfect, and so His desire for us to glorify Him is rooted in this perfection. One author explains this when he says,

When a human glorifies himself, he robs others of joy, but when God displays and exhibits His glory, He shares joy with His creatures and wholeness with all creation. Put most directly, without the knowledge of God's glory, we would be robbed of true joy.

How do we glorify God? The answer is in the second part of the equation—by enjoying Him, by knowing God, by being like Jesus. What did Jesus do? He served. Mark 10:45 says, “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” He came to serve us, and He did it joyfully.

A few years ago, I was struggling with the daily grind of constantly cleaning and tidying, laundry (which I detest), trying to meet project deadlines, cooking meals and washing dishes, replying to work emails, refereeing disagreements with the kids, homeschooling, only to turn around the next day or even the next moment to have to do it all over again. I thought, “Is this it? Is this all that I'm supposed to be doing?”

Right about that time, I came across a blog of someone who put it so succinctly, it has stuck with me ever since. They said, “I am here to serve with joy.” Up until that point I had been serving. Believe you me, I was serving and serving and serving—meals, sippy cups, snacks, housekeeping, diaper changing, toothbrushing, organizing.

I was serving—just like Jesus, but I wasn't doing it with joy. Big difference. Being here tonight is part of fulfilling my purpose to serve with joy because I know that one of my roles is to encourage and challenge other women in the church. Titus 2 says,

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled (verses 3-6).

Now, there is a lot in there to talk about, but the point is that I am an older woman, despite the efforts of Oil of Olay and some serious concealer. One of my God-given roles is to help other women serve with joy.

Another role in which I serve with joy is to share my faith with those who are not Christians. First Peter 3:15 says,

Always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect.

I hope that I have done that tonight for those of you who do not yet know Jesus, and it is for my children.

Deuteronomy 6:7 says,

You shall teach them [talking about the things of God] diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

I asked that tonight be videoed so that some day Quinn and Kate would be able to watch this and to hear my heart. I have been blessed to be their mother for these years.

I have many roles, including others not mentioned here, most noteably being a wife, but in all of these I have one purpose—to be like Jesus, to serve with joy. Many have asked why. Why is this happening to you, to Neil, to Quinn and Kate, to your family and friends?

I don't ask why because I know the answer, and here it is. We live in a sinful world. Bad things happen, but it was not supposed to be this way, and it will not always be this way.

God has a plan. He has made a way for sinful people, you and me, to be with Him in a perfect world. The way is Jesus.

* Acknowledge that you have sinned and that you have a serious problem before you in light of a God who is perfect and just.
* Recognize that there is nothing you can do to save yourself.
* Trust that Jesus, who died to pay the penalty for your sin, has risen from the dead and given you His righteousness.

This is the way to know God and someday be free from this world of disease and pain.

Second Peter 3:9 says this,

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.

So God is being patient, patient so that everyone has the opportunity to repent and to make things right with Him. That is why there is evil and suffering in the world, because when He does return to bring judgment, there will be no second chances.

I am dying, but so are you. Neither of us knows if he will even see tomorrow, and perhaps the reason that I am suffering now, the reason that God is waiting to bring judgment against all the evil in this world, is because He's waiting for you, for you to acknowledge your sin and to turn to Him for forgiveness. Maybe you are the one we are waiting for.

Jesus suffered. God did not spare Him. Why would He spare me if my suffering would result in good for you? If my suffering is the means that God would use to bring even one person to Himself, it is an honor for me to suffer.

Does that seem strange? I suppose it does, but really, it is the only way that all of this makes any sense at all. A God who sees my suffering but is unable, or worse, unwilling to spare me? A God who sees my suffering but allows it with no greater purpose or hope? My God is able to save me, but save me from what? From a life without Him.

There is a place where there is nothing good, not even a gentle rain or a child's laugh. It is a place where everything that we despise about this world, the evil, the injustice, is the rule with no exceptions.

Hell is a physical place where God is not. Instead, He will bring me to a perfect world where He is, heaven, where life is full of wonder, adventure, and joy, everything good, for all eternity. My God is able to save me, and He will. This suffering is temporary, and the life I will live in eternity will make all this seem light and momentary.

As one speaker explained, “God allows in His wisdom that which He could easily prevent by His power.”

I chose the title of this talk, Death Is not Dying: A Faith that Saves. The first part came from one of my favorite preachers and authors, Charles Spurgeon, and the second came from another of my favorite teachers, our Pastor at Westside, Norm Funk, when he recently posed the question from James 2:14, “Can that faith save?” He pointed out the most important word in that verse is the word, that.

Can that faith save? We all have faith in something, but not all faiths save. The faith I have saves, so when I say that death is not dying, the part of me that will die is only a shell.

The next few weeks or months will not be pretty. Bone cancer is intensely, intensely painful, and I am already bedridden for almost the entire day, taking three, sometimes four different medications to control the pain.

Liver cancer causes intense nausea. Last Saturday I woke up, and I instantly had to run to the washroom to throw up. I did not stop throwing up all day, and just last week when we learned that the cancer has spread to my skull, it made sense because it has started affecting the nerves in my face.

I have not felt hungry in more than two months. Any food I do eat is forced down, but it will not always be this way. Soon I will become too weak or in too much pain to get out of bed at all. It will become harder and harder to eat and drink. My body and the cancer will fight over the few calories that I do consume. Eventually, the cancer will win, and I will starve to death.

That is the most likely scenario. I have lived a seemingly picture-perfect life from the outside looking in. In truth, I have been very blessed, but in my life there have been many difficult things that the Lord has allowed.

I have known the shame of being sexually abused. I have made poor decisions in relationships and have hurt others and have been hurt as a result of them. I have known the searing pain of loss with the death of a loved one. I have been diagnosed with cancer twice now, and this second time, barring a miracle, will end my life before I reach my 38th birthday.

In His providence, God has used the tough things in my life to draw me closer to Him, to show me His great love, and to teach me many things. I have learned that I am not perfect, and I have the scars to prove it, 13 of them. They serve as a physical reminder of a spiritual reality that I can never be perfect on my own. I need a savior.

I have learned that the greatest evidence of God's love is seen when I stand at the foot of the cross. He took my shame upon Himself and rescued me. I have learned that being a Christian is not just hope for the future, although it is most definitely that, but that it is the joy of knowing and trusting in a God who is loving and faithful no matter what the circumstances.

So , when I say that death is not dying, death will not kill my soul. It is eternal just like yours. It is just this physical body that will die, but even it will be raised again just like Jesus. It will be better than the one I have now.

Like everything, it will be better because God is going to make everything new, and I know this, why? Because I know God. I know myself. I know the Gospel, and I know my purpose. I know I have a faith that saves because my faith is in Jesus alone.

Thank-you for continued prayers.

I know that life is never easy but sometimes it does get a little overwhelming. Please pray for us as we work through the following things.
Cadence has been struggling to fight this eye infection. She had 6 days of IV antibiodics at the hospital, then they switched her to oral antibiodics for another 10 days, just to have her end up vomitting for 24 hours. We realized that by adding gravol with each dose every 6 hours, she's feeling much better.She still looks like she has a black eye from the infection, but the swelling is gone and it's getting better.
Carmelle will be going to see some specialists because she's demonstrating behaviours of Tourettes syndrome. She repeatedly taps things; claps her hands, pats her legs and if she's really frustrated she slaps her head. They are increased to every minute when she's excited, nervous, upset, or anxious. We noticed it a little over the last couple of months and it's increased since the routine of school ended. It's especially been bad since I've returned to work this last week and Cadence has been making trips to the hospital. When Carmelle was born she had a traumatic birth, a code pink, and was deprived of oxygen for a scary amount of time. She had no heart beat at birth and wasn't breathing. They observed her for brain damage at birth, but nothing obvious showed up then. We've always known that something neurological could show up down the road. Hopefully this will be the only thing she will need to overcome. It's not something that bothers her or causes her pain, our only concern is that it could interfere with learning in the classroom and she starts grade one in fall.
We've just been informed that I may lose my benefits at work because I haven't been working enough hours. We can't afford to lose these medical and dental benefits for our family, as Chris is self employed and we couldn't afford them any other way.Please pray that the insurance company will keep me on the plan if I work more hours and that I will physically be able to work more hours from now on. Thankfully I've been feeling really good the last week and I only hope this will continue.

A gentle reminder:)

Whatever is true, whatever is noble,
whatever is right, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable,
if there is anything excellent or praiseworthy,
think about these things.

Bloody mosquitos!

Cadence has ended up with such a bad eye infection from a mosquito bite that she has ended up having to be an out-patient for IV anti-biodics. Here eye almost swelled shut through the day, so I took her to the ER. (You could almost see it swelling) Getting the IV in was fine, but keeping it in was tricky. Thankfully Chris was there to hold her. The first IV she pulled away from before they could tape it down. The second one stayed in for 50 minutes of the one hour infusion, before she somehow figured out how to unscrew it, I didn't even know how to do that?!?! I called for help as her blood backed up the line on to her shirt and the medicine spilled out. I was half holding on to her when it happened, Good Grief!! They had to take the IV out, which she should have worn home until tomorrow, but they had to remove it because it was contaminated:(
So tomorrow when we go to the Pediatric Ward for another treatment, she has to have another IV put in, the third one:( She'll see an eye specialist tomorrow and they'll decide how many IV treatments she'll need, probably a few days worth.
Other than that it was a good day:) I got to visit with my good friend Shannon again and my girls have fallen in love with her youngest daughter Taylor who is 10.
My asthma has been acting up again, probably from all the emotions and excitment the last few days. I've had to go back on oral prednisone steriods, I don't like taking them, but I also like breathing properly, so I'll take them.

Baby boy Wagner!

My brother Forrest and his wife, Amanda, welcomed their first child, a son; this morning just before 8 am. They have named him Ezekiel James Oren Wagner. He was 7 lbs 6.8 ozs. They live in Prt Moody and he was born at Royal Columbian hospital.
Oren is Hebrew for Tree; as in "Can't see the Forest for the Trees." I love it!!
He's adorable and perfect! Mommy is doing well; Amanda you did great!! Fairly quick labout, arriving at the hospital at 2am and baby by 8am. Forrest if very proud of his beautiful wife:) HE said she was as gorgeous as ever, even in the middle of labour:) That's my brother!! I got to see the precious little guy already. I had the honour of being the first visitor. I just happened to be in Vancouver for a Dr's appointment this morning so I got to see them on the way home. What a great day...

Except the Dr. I saw today, Ear, nose and Throat specialist, says I need to have nose/sinus surgery; probably fairly soon:( I'll be having a sinus CT done to see what's all going on in there and how much surgery has to be done. I was going to have this surgery 2 years ago but it got delayed because of breast cancer treatment.Now it has to get done. It's a deviated septum and an enlarged something in my sinuses!!?? What I'm not exactly sure, but it has to get fixed so I can breath properly and not have such severe sinus drip which is aggrevating my asthma. Seriously though, what else can be wrong with me!! I shouldn't say that to much, because they want to look at possibly removing my tonsils as well eventually, they are a problem too:(

But on another positive note, my childhood friend, Shannon is on her way here right now with her one daughter Taylor. We are going to have a great visit and lots of fun, as we always do when we get together! Shannon and I have not lived in the same province as each other for 18 years, but we always stay close. When we are together it's like we've never been apart, friends like that are so great!!

This has been my July 13th. Have a great day!!

Rachel Elisabeth Barkey- Jan.22, 1972- July 2nd, 2009

All that were touched, gathered in one accord
and there was dancing.

Hearts were united, tears were shared
and there was dancing.

Faith was restored, spirits renewed
and there was dancing.

Hands were held, bodies embraced
and there was dancing.

Laughter was heard, while tissues were many
and there was dancing.

Anthems of praise were lifted up, while organ pipes bellowed
and there was dancing.

Souls raised up in rejoicing, while hearts were tugging
and there was dancing.

Young and old were changed forever
and there was dancing.

The Holy Spirit came, so we'd never be the same
and there was dancing.

The light of Heaven shone down from above
and there was dancing.

Healing came to many around, peace and calm settled down
and there was dancing.

With sorrow we said our good-byes, with hope for tomorrow
and there was dancing.

She loves to dance.

I wrote this for Rachel almost 6 months ago; it's time to read it again:)

* When I sent this to Rachel almost 6 months ago, she humbly replied, "Thank-you, it was very kind of you."
Today we said good-bye to Rachel. What a beautiful service for such a beautiful women; so full of grace, conviction,reverence and peace. I felt honoured to be there today, to call Rachel my friend and to be in the presence of her amazing family. I was touched and moved by the words that were spoken, the hymns that were sung and the testimony of faith that was given. The tears flowed often and freely as fellowship took place. God's presence could not be missed. Rachel's life was celebrated and there was laughter, love and life.
Then I headed off to the American Idol concert and I "danced like no body was watching"; I think Rachel would have approved:) she loved to dance...she must be getting down tonight:)!!!


Saturday, January 24, 2009
"Celebrating You!"
A “toast” to a Dear Friend.

My world was rocked this week, in a hard and cruel direction, when I received word that a life long, dear friend had received a devastating diagnosis of breast cancer returning. The vengeful disease has spread to her liver and bones; she was initially treated aggressively four and half years ago.
I write this “toast” to her today, on this her 37th birthday. I want to give tribute to her on this day for the life that she lives so well. Every step of the way she keeps her eye on the prize that God has set before her and takes each day in stride. I have seen this for almost 30 years, from that fist day I saw her confidently enter our Sunday school room, at Sardis Community Church . We were 8 years old and could have passed as sisters; for which we were often mistaken as through the years ( a mistake I found so flattering time and time again) She greeted me that first day with a beaming, welcoming smile and I knew that instant, my life would be richer if I could call her my friend.

I was in awe of her every Sunday as she recited her memory verses perfectly and knew the answer to every question; I wanted to be just like her. I was so excited when I was invited for that first visit to her home. Her family had fairly recently returned from the Mission field in Africa , and were house-sitting until they were settled. I was fascinated by this little girl who looked so much like me; our birthdays were even only three weeks apart, in yet our lives had been so different. We’d lived on separate continents and grown-up in different worlds until then. I remember thinking that we were so similar in yet so uniquely different.
Her father was a Doctor, a missionary doctor, and my Daddy’s were hippies. Her name was biblical and mine was of the “air”. My brothers and I got names representing the “earth” (Forrest), “water” (D.E.W. “Daniel”) and “air” (Feather), I was a “good” flower child and she was a good MK. I remember she’d often nudge me out for top prize in Sunday school class memory verse competition and usually win the bible trivia games. She set the bar high, rose to the occasion and challenged the rest of us, including me to work harder and always do our best. It was healthy competition and though she usually came in first; even as little girls she was the first one to give a word of encouragement and praise for our efforts. I remember once trying out for a solo in children’s choir, she got the one I wanted and she did it so well, it made me sing my heart out when it was my turn. She could sing, act, do gymnastics, play sports and get straight A’s in school, all the while being a friend to everyone, lighting up the room where ever she went and drawing everyone close to her.
She is a natural born leader and friend. She is so attractive to everyone, I don’t think there was a single boy in our youth group that didn’t have a crush on her at one time or another! Her beauty always shone inside and out and was never missed.
When I was 9 years old I was baptized. She let me borrow her Dad on this special day and after I shared my testimony he prayed the prayer of dedication for me. By this time visiting her home was a regular activity for me and I enjoyed many of them as well as many special occasions and birthdays.
As a young teen,13, I considered going to MEI just so I could spend more time with her. I decided in the end to attend Sardis which was obviously where God intended for me to go.
We stayed close over the years of high school through youth group, Sunday school, church activities, family camp and church dramas. When I’d see her play basket ball in high school, I was glad I never had to play against her! She dominated the game, played hard, and showed the rest of us how to be the best team player, the MVP and be devoted to her personal best. She exemplified dedication, discipline and focus; while being full of school spirit, appreciation for her opponents and love for the game. When I saw her play I was sure proud to call her my friend, even if it meant getting a sweaty hug! After high school we didn’t see as much of each other, but when we did it was always like no time had passed and we’d pick up where we’d left off.
By God’s wonderfully guided hand she moved across the hall from me in my apartment, in 1994-95. During which time we were 23 and I was diagnosed with breast cancer for the first time. She rallied around me as any loving caring friend would, and it was so great to have someone who’d known me most of my life live so close by during such a difficult time in my life. We attended a retreat together at Camp Malibu, up the BC Coast at Jervis inlet, where we connected again and shared talks on a deeply spiritual and emotional level. These talks set a foundation of incredible personal growth, maturity and development in me. She encouraged me in ways only she could have and she gave me compliments that have always stuck by me and meant so much to me all these year’s because they came from her. She told me that weekend that I had amazing eyes, ever since then I’ve really loved my eyes. She helped me to see things in a way I’d never seen them before. Her heart felt honesty and openness moved me, changed me and inspired me. From that point on in my life my heart changed and I became much more open, honest and real person, because of the wonderful example she’d been to me.

That summer I met a guy, who I thought rather cute, but once I introduced him to her, it was over for me. But that was okay, he was a very lucky guy. Later that summer in Ontario I met her husband to be, that she didn’t even know yet; I was impressed. (She went to the same high school as my husband, what a small world!) In 1998 we ended up in premarital counseling together at Northview church in Abbotsford. We ended up getting married a few weeks apart and we’d “complained” to each other a year and a half or so before, in the foyer of our childhood church, that we were still single. God knew He had the right men in mind for us!
In late June of 2004 she called me to let me know she’d been diagnosed with breast cancer. I was shocked and saddened; as this was something I’d been through and would have never wished for anyone, especially for someone I’d loved and cared for. I was happy that she felt she could call me and reach out to me in her time of need but saddened by the circumstances. I only hoped and prayed the best for her always. My heart ached as she shared her painful journey through her cancer treatment. I always appreciated her calls, notes, cards and emails. I was especially glad when her communications turned out well and she’d recovered from treatment and returned to “normal” living with her husband and two young children.
Little did we know that only a few years later I’d find myself in almost the same situation; two young children, a diagnosis of breast cancer and many months of cancer treatment and an uncertain future. She was one of the first people I called, and I believe my message said something like, “This is like a sick version of Tag, but I guess I’m it.” She called me back and we had many heart to heart talks over that year plus. She allowed me to discuss the tough questions with her, that I felt I couldn’t really discuss with any one else. She allowed me to cry when needed, she answered my questions openly and bluntly and enabled me to stumble upon many of my own answers. Her calm, familiar voice reassured me of God’s perfect plan for my life and of the childlike faith I needed to embrace once again. She was the friend I needed and always had in her. Today I thank her again for being there for me, and taking the time to revisit some of her painful thoughts and memories for me. She enriched my soul and gave me hope. She caused me to focus again on our Heavenly Father and to bask in His glory; to be grateful for the life He has given so freely to us and the promises that we can cling to in living this life and facing our death.
Even now as her reality is my greatest nightmare, she reminds me that He is faithful. That He knew us in our mother’s womb and has never forsaken us. That His will, will be done on earth and that He will take us to Heaven. She finds peace in knowing God has prepared a place for her that she will be sooner than we’d all like, but she knows she serves a God who is good...all the time.
At this time we plead with God to keep her here as long as possible. We pray comfort for her family and all those that love her. We pray especially for her husband, son and daughter who God has given to her as her family.
It is the longing of my heart that my life will continue to be touched, inspired, molded, challenged and changed by this amazing friend and woman of God. Thank-you my dear friend for a life lived so well, even in the face of your current reality. Thank-you for your courageous, beautiful, thoughtful, caring and giving spirit; thank-you for being my friend.


Things that I have learnt from this friend:
1. That Methuselah was the oldest living man, and mentioned in the Bible.
2. Where Botswana was, beside South Africa.
3. That bald is still beautiful.
4. That women are so much more than our breasts.
5. When you communicate with someone, look through their eyes to their soul.
6. Trust God in all things.
7. Always put your best foot forward.
8. Its okay to get a second and third opinion from a medical professional.
9. If you eat slowly, you won’t be as hungry in 20 minutes and you’ll eat less.
10. VW’s provide the “coolest” ride! Especially red bugs!
11. Realness is a gift you can offer others.
12. Perfection is not a gift, but something we can overcome.(None of us are perfect)
13. Sing your heart out.
14. Play hard! Work hard!
15. Love harder and forgive.
16. Great men will be eventually found; after some good men and some not so good men
17. That I have beautiful eyes.
18. That I’m never alone.
19. That friends can grow apart and still be close.
20. That dreams can come true even if you wake before they are over.

Messages from Rachel's parents; July 1st and 2nd

Dear Ones,

Cathy and I know and appreciate all of the prayers and warm wishes from all of you. To tell you how God has answered would fill a book! We are blessed and comforted every day. We have supernatural peace and joy.....yes, joy as we do our part to help Rachel, Neil and the kids.

Cathy of course is the main stay...laundry, dishes, changing beds... The children come to our apartment across the street to play and spend time with us almost every day, some times staying for sleep overs. This allows privacy for Rachel during the nursing visits and time for Neil to do errands [ he has sold his business ]. They are doing well and can talk of their mom's loss.

Andrea who lives above us is the great Aunty when she is not working. Her struggle at this time, is having to choose between work and time off to be with Rachel. Her boss is very understanding. We are thankful.

The 5 1/2 months have been filled with good memories that we will all cherish. Time together is precious as we grieve. So many with sudden losses [two of our close friends have lost children in the last 3 weeks] do not have the blessings that we have had just to be and to cherish and to say "I love you". Time as a family. Visits from so many. A wonderful time at the cottage in May with Rachel and the kids with exceptional weather. .....all blessings.

Rachel has suffered bravely of course and fights nausea and pain everyday. Her narcotic requirements [along with 11 other medications] are significant with almost every bone in her body involved but her palliative doctors have done a great job. Nurses now visit every day and a team approach is obvious. This is a big relief for me. I have been able to be her dad and not her doctor.Recently her abdominal fluid and liver enlargement were so great that fluid drainage has been necessary. This has led to accelerated protein loss in the fluid and consequential significant measurable weakness and leg swelling. She cannot walk even with help now and spends most [almost all] of her time in bed. We are thankful for the computer and phone which allow her to continue 'living'. An inspiration to many still from her sick bed, she is. But she is failing quickly.

Her friends have helped in many important ways including providing a housekeeper every week, gardening,planting, tending flowers, food and child care. So generous. More offers of course than we can use.

The reality of the final loss is definitely more and more on our minds. Only the Lord knows our times and we trust Him daily for patience and strength.

As most of you know, Rachel's testimony found at www.deathisnotdying.com and the audio at www.churchonthewestside.com has had literally millions who have heard her message given originally to 550 women at a conference in early March in Vancouver. [John Piper and Nancy-Leigh DeMoss and others picked it up and broadcasted it recently on Christian radio ] DVD's can now be purchased from the internet site to share with others. This message has spread in a supernatural way around the world with China being in the top 5 countries where the video is being watched! We give God the credit for this wonderful use that her life is and will be in an on going y leading many to Him and making many more serious about being followers of Christ.

Life is short. We are created to give Him glory by doing good things and living for Him. We value your love and send you ours in return as we have been loved by Him who gave His best for us.

Do not feel you have to respond. Let this be an encouragement to do today what God is calling you to do, maybe for someone else....tomorrow will have enough troubles of it's own.

Love

Ben and Cathy




Subject: Rachel's promotion......
Received: Thursday, July 2, 2009, 5:14 PM


Dear Ones

Cathy and I wish to rejoice in Rachel's promotion to be with Jesus and to be free of her physical suffering. She slept away peacefully early this morning at home. Her life finished well. She loved Jesus. Our sure hope is in her eternal life and our anticipated reunion with her.

For those of you who wish to remember her and celebrate with us, the funeral will be at St. John's Shaunessy Church,
1490 Nanton Ave.,
Vancouver, BC,
V6H2E2.


This will be on Wednesday July 8th at 1 PM. A reception at the church will follow .
In lieu of flowers please consider sponsoring or a donation to a child through Child of Mine found at www.childofmine.ca or World Vision at www.worldvision.ca.

We are so grateful for all your past and present care for our family. Thank you.

Love

Ben and Cathy

uu

Rachel's March 4th talk, "Death is not dying"

Rachel prepared a talk for a group of women at her church, that was to be recorded; so that one day her children could watch it. This event grew and grew, until 600+ people arrived to hear her speak. It was recorded and one day her children will watch and be so proud of their mother and feel that they got to know her heart.

This talk of hers, which she titled "Death is not dying", hit the internet and grew and grew and grew... now tens of thousands of people have listened to her share; all over the world. She is wise, humble, giving, courageous, funny and bold. Hear her share her story; hear her voice: www.deathisnotdying.com

A verse that Rachel shared couple of months ago.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you.”

Isaiah 43:1-2

Rachel's obituary

Rachel Barkey (nee Sawer) went home to her Lord on July 2, 2009 at 37 years of age. Rachel is survived by her husband Neil and her children Quinn and Kate, parents Ben and Cathy Sawer, brother David (Johanna) Sawer and sister Andrea Sawer.



Rachel was born in London, Ontario and her life travels included years spent in Africa, growing up in Chilliwack (BC), university in London (ON) and working in Dallas (TX) before settling in Vancouver (BC). Rachel had a long career in politics and has many friends from her time working for the Conservative Party of Canada and the BC Liberal Party. A long list of career highlights do not compare to Rachel’s accomplishments as a loving wife, mother and servant of Jesus.



Rachel had a full and blessed life. She was a loving wife and mother who delighted in serving others, throwing parties, helping friends and spending days at the cabin with her family. She loved everyone selflessly and her passions were evident in everything she did. Rachel adored her children – Quinn and Kate were her greatest gifts. She will be greatly missed by her family, her friends and everyone whose life she has touched.



The family would like to extend a very special thanks to Dr. Will Johnston and Dr. Bev Spring as well as the community palliative care nurses for their excellent care these last months. Her funeral service will be held on Wednesday, July 8, at 1 p.m. at St. John’s Shaughnessy Church in Vancouver, BC. A private family interment service will be held at Valley View Cemetery in Agassiz, BC. In lieu of flowers, donatations can be made to Child of Mine (www.childofmine.ca) or World Vision (www.worldvision.ca). Rachel’s testimony can be found atwww.deathisnotdying.com

Last messages to each other; good friends for so long.

Dear Rachel,

I have always looked up to you Rachel. You have always been a
shining example to me of how to live, under all circumstances.I care
about you deeply and love you, my friend and sister in Christ. I
continue to learn so much from you and always feel so honoured to
know you.

Much Love,

Feather



dear Feather,

Just realized tonight
that next week Thursday will be my 5 year anniversary since my initial
diagnosis - 5 years! Wow. That went fast and slow as molasses all at
the same time. Not that 5 years is a magic number but it is a
milestone that the infamous They put out there.

The past few weeks I feel like I've turned a bit of a corner for the
worse. I plateaued a bit in April/May after my palliative care doc got
my medications under control and the radiation took effect in my back,
head and hips. But it's only for a time. They can only radiate so much
and I am having to up my pain meds significantly and with more
regularity. Maybe I'll get another little plateau but we'll see.

I pray for you when you come to mind as I'm sure it is a struggle for
you. In some ways I think this would be so much easier if the kids
weren't so affected, hey? That is the hardest part for me, for sure.
And for Neil. I don't want to be the source of pain and sadness for
them - but I am, sadly. Thankfully God is a god of comfort. And we
cling to that.

Hope your appointment goes well tomorrow.

Love you too, my friend.

with love,
rb

Good-bye my friend.

July 2nd, Rachel(Sawer) Barkey passed away; she slipped away peacefully her father has said. I thought I would wait until the veil of tears ceased before I would write, but since it doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon, I thought I would write now. Since not very much is making sense to me now, as I mourn such a tradgic loss, I don't know that if what I now share will make much sense either.
I'm so torn and overwhelmed with emotions, I can hardly speak. The tightness in my chest makes it feel as though my heart is actually aching; perhaps it is.
I reflect on the emails she wrote to me, just three weeks ago and I can hardly believe she's actually gone. I'd just heard that she'd had to be tube fed this past week and that another tube had been inserted to help drain her liver. I knew with hearing this that she must be close to the end, but I don't think one can ever be fully prepared for the death of one so young, so loved, so loving, and so strong.
Rachel set an amazing example to me of how to live life, fight illness and even how to die. She was so much to so many people, God used her in mighty ways in her 37 short years. She lived her life time. Though we wish it was so much longer, selfishly and for the sake of her children and husband.
I know that a huge void will be felt in the lives of her family, the Sawers and the Barkeys.
In the pit of my sorrow I wonder why her and not me? And fear steps in and leaves me wondering if my turn is around the corner? I pray against it, knowing God has it all under control, even when it makes no sense to me. It really makes no sense to me, but I thank God for my faith, my faith that allows me to hand it all over to God who knows what he is doing; this gives me peace.
I know Rachel is experiencing peace. Where she is, everything makes complete sense to her now. She is in the presence of her Creator; who knew her before she was born and will be present with her for eternity. She has a new and perfect body, that can run faster and dance better than she ever could here. Here, she still had limitations, now she doe not. She is healed, she is free from suffering, she understands all the; WHYS?
I will cling to this as I continue on with my day and my life.

Let's save the whole diamond!!

A friend found the best breast cancer awareness button that says, "Save second base!"

I think I need to get some pink t-shirts and print this slogan on them; right across the chest!!

I think I will:)!!

I have a button that my friend Erin gave me when I was 16, it says, "They may be little, but they are all mine!"

The second button once applied but the first one does now!

I'm all for second base even if I don't actually have one anymore.

Actually, I'm all about hitting the ball out of the park, personally:)!!!

1,2,3,4...down for the count:(

My shingles are getting worse before they get better. I'm exhausted and experiencing pains across my back, along my shoulder, down my arm, up my neck and down to my butt. It's crazy that a relatively small rash can cause so much nerve pain. I don't know that I've been able to get enough sleep; the pain makes it hard to sleep.

Chris has now ended up with the vomit flu that Carmelle had last week, only Chris has it worse; for the last 24 hours anyway.

Cadence has the flu as well.

Carmelle had two teeth pulled today, because the adult ones are growing in behind. She had a cavity that had to be done at the same time, and it was really bad she had to have the child's equivilant of a root canal. She cried and sometimes screamed for almost an hour. She did do what she had to do, but didn't like it one bit:(

I came home tense, with a headache and so tired. We all sacked out watching movies, so I didn't have to work to hard taking care of everyone. We'd hoped to have a babysitter help, but I guess she picked up the stomach flu when she was here last week, and was too sick to come and help today:(

Hoping we are all up and running soon and that the tooth-fairy doesn't forget to arrive tonight!!