When I don't want to feel.

When you moan in pain, I feel the anguish of your suffering.
When you see a storm coming, I feel the thunder clap.
When you can't face another day, I feel there is no other.
When you cry tears of sorrow, I feel them running down my cheeks.

This is how I feel.

When you see the end of the road, I feel the journey is done.
When you cry out, "why?", I feel there is no answer.
When you lean the answer another way, I feel stupid for asking.
When you leave unanswered questions, I feel the answer is always "no."

This is how I feel.

When you speak without thinking, I feel misunderstood.
When you stop singing, I feel I never knew the tune.
When you rage in silence, I feel like screaming out loud!
When you shush my voice, I feel weakened inside.

This is how I feel.

When you wrap your arms around me, I feel peace at last.
When you whisper "I love you.", I feel the soothing of my soul.
When you open up and around me, I feel fully home.
When you let me weep, I feel I'll never be alone.

This is how to feel.

Still being me...

I can teach and still be learning.
I can be learning and still teach.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

My Christmas wish is for you and your family to have a wonderful Christmas season and happiest of New Year's!!
God Bless you every one and all the best for 2009!

Sincerely,

Feather Janz and Family

I am both.

I can celebrate life and still be grieving.
I can smile and still be sad.
I can have a heavy heart and still shine.
I can mourn and still be dancing.

I am still me.

I can weep and still give a warm hug.
I can set boundaries and still receive gifts.
I can work and still feel like I'm playing.
I can be sick and still know that I'm well.

I am still me.

I can be angry and still seek peace.
I can close one door and still open another.
I can scream out in pain and still whisper, "I love you."
I can stride with confidence and still curl-up with insecurity.

I am still me.

I can ignore what I refuse to hear and still listen listen with wisdom.
I can fall down in shame and still rise-up with dignity.
I can pray for a miracle while still having doubt in my heart.
I can live life to the fullest and still embrace death.

I am still me.

I can have a child like faith and still feel my age.
I can look at a storm cloud and still look for the rainbow.
I can feel the coolness of the rain and still feel the warmth of the sun.
I can know faith with no limits and still see the end of the run.

I am still me.

I can teach my children ti be independent and still hold them close.
I can see the positive in all things and not be blind to the negative.
I can stand corrected and still give advice.
I can receive a helping hand and still extend my hand.

I am still me.

I can still know that I'm rich with an empty bank account.
I can still have compassion for the addict and hate the addiction.
I can still have a highlight on the lowest of days.
I can feel like I've still gained "the world" when I've lost so much.

I am still me.

- Feather


I can be both. I am both.Both can co-exist without one being right and one being wrong. Without on being true and one being fake. They can come to together and both be me. I am not at battle within myself, there aren't two different side, they are what makes me, me. They form a balance together, which forms who I am and who I am to be.

"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that there was an vincible summer."
-Albert Camus

I can experience both in the same season.

"Some people grin and bear it while others smile and do it."
- Unknown

I think I am like most when I write that I'm not necessarily one or the other.
I have some areas of my life that cause me to grin and bear it" and other parts of me that "smile and do it." I'm certainly happier with some areas of my life than I am with others.
Much like my body:) I'm much happier with some parts than I am with others.
So I either accept them, work on them, change them (but this usually requires painful surgery) or ignore them.
Accepting them and working on them are probably the most effective in the long run, cheaper and healthier:)
So as I acknowledge what areas of my life need the work, accept the areas that I cannot change and pray to God that I'm not ignoring anything important and if I am,I pray for the wisdom to see.

Thankful that I am still me,

Feather

Prayers of healing and blessing for Kourtney!

I just wanted Kourtney and her family to know that she is in our thoughts and prayers.
I know that pain and suffering can break your life down, into day by day, hour to hour, minute to minute and even moment by moment; In all of these times, please know that you are loved!! Not only by the Mighty God our Holy Physician but also by all of us!

"Pain nourishes courage. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you."
- Mary Tyler Moore

You are the most courageous girl I have ever known!!

Quote for my life right now.

"When you feel that you have reached the end and that you cannot go one step further, when life seems to be drained of all purpose: what a wonderful opportunity to start all over again, to turn over a new page."

- Eileen Caddy

JUST LISTENING.

Love again.

"Love is restless by nature, continually searching, probing the depths, seeking tirelessly to enlarge the heart and to exploit to the fullest the endless possibilities of human liberty."

"Love is like some violent revolutionary head stuffed with wild dreams instead of brains, a dangerous idealist who would like nothing better than to grab hold of us and shake us right down to our boots, overthrowing all our old ideas and ambitions, drastically renovating our hearts from the ground up, filling us with entirely new motives for living. To give in to such a force, for one moment, is to be quite, quite swept away."

- Mike Mason author of "The Mystery of Marriage"

Listening.

"Knowledge is speaking.
Wisedom is listening."

I'm working on both, especially the second.

I've booked my first speaking engagement for the new year, I'm very encouraged.

With "glowing" ears,

Feather

The Christmas Season is upon us.

"For it is in Giving that we Receive."

- St. Francis of Asissis

Quote for the last day of November.

"God not only knows where He is taking you, He also knows how to get you there."

- Roy Lessin

Daily Prayer

Dear God,

To the woman reading this;
you are beautiful, classy and
strong, and I love you.
May you live your life to the fullest,
And may you excel above your own expectations and
Shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love.
Pray God's Protection on you and your family at all times, lift up your voice, heart and spirit in prayer when you need it the most,
and remember that when you walk with God,your creator,
You will always be safe.

For me and for you:)

TONIGHT, WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 26th

Epicure Party at my house!!

Come a little hungry and leave happy!

Easy, healthful and delicious mealtime solutions for the home chef and the food appreciater.(That's me!).

Epicure Selections® is a 100% Canadian-owned direct sales company offering a unique line of versatile herb and spice blends, time-saving recipes and professional-quality cookware.
Inspired by the pursuit of making delicious, healthy meals easy for the home chef, Epicure Selections® was founded in 1996 in Victoria, BC, by Sylvie Rochette.

Epicure products are shared by a national network of Independent Epicure Consultants, primarily through home Tasting Parties.

That's what this is, a home tasting party and a good reason for me to have a social gathering. I haven't had a social gathering in a long time and now it's time.

Come hang out, enjoy some good eats, great smells, fun laughs and connecting with friends old and new.

Plus you can spoil yourself and your famliy dinners with some of your purchases or even use it to do some early handy Christmas shopping. That's what I did last year and it worked out great!! I love the Epicure stuff we have and we have a little of everything.Chris cooks with most of it and loves it!
I'm providing the home, kitchen, friendly home environment and the red wine, so please come and hang out with me for a nibble and sip:)

Where: Our house
When: 7:15-9pm
Wednesday Nov 26th.

See you soon!

If you can make it contact me!
604-853-2966

Opposites attract.

For those of you that may be wondering, Carmelle has come up with another catchy phrase which expresses the opposite of , "Sunk my Cows:(", which is, "Fluff my Bunnies!" We are using them in conversation over here and it adds a much light and fun mood to the whole day:)

I think my “Cows-are-buoyant?!?”

I do believe that my five year old may have stumbled on to the newest catch-phrase!
I did something to disappoint her, one of many times in her life time to be sure, and she said with a disgruntled tone,

“Mommy, you sunk my cows!”

“I did what?” I exclaimed?!?

“You sunk my cows!!” She pointed out as an explicative.

“OH?!, Where did you hear that?!?”

“I didn’t, I just made it up.” She shrugged off.

“Hmmm...that’s actually a really good one Carmelle, very catchy. I think that might just catch on and you may very well become a trend setter!”

“Thank-you, Mommy. What’s a trend setter?”

“Someone who makes a mark with an impression with a lasting expression. I do believe that your statement, you-sunk-my-cows, could be the next big thing my dear.”

As I laughed with hilarity in my voice I realized the depth of her expression. Kayla, our present boarder, responded just as I thought she would and texted, “sunk-my-cows” to her friend. To which she responded with, lol. (You’ll only know what “lol” means if you are “hip”.I thought I’d add to the contributing factors of this phrase catching on, by posting it here on my blog.(Exploiting my daughters wittiness)

I recall my mother-in-laws, catch phrase," you peed on my rainbow", which only caught on in the Janz family but expresses the same feeling. So perhaps, like Grandmother, like Grand-daughter.

It also made me reflect on my own “cows” and I suppose cancer sunk-my-cows, though they are now rather buoyant.

It also made me think back to the statement, that my mother said to me at least once in my earlier years, “He won’t buy the cow if you are giving away the milk for free.” And for the record I did follow this advice and it does work.

It also made me feel some sympathetic feelings for the women of latter years who quite literally, have the sinking of their cows. I can’t empathize with these women, as mine will never sink, one of a few perks of breast cancer and double mastectomies that I can hold on to.

I can also think of many circumstances in which “sunk-my-cows” could come in handy, especially when seeking a tame replacement for other four letter words that are not so errrr....acceptable.

So for fun, I encourage you to use “sunk-my-cows” in context; We are using it over here and having a “hoot” (a not so trendy word).

Hoping your cows are not sinking or sunk... but know it’s there when you need it!

I’m grateful for a light-hearted expression provided by my five year old, which I will probably use everyday, which will put and smile on my face and will flip off my tongue nicely and land where I need it.

Try it, it’s a new fad, fabulous and fun!

I already used it tonight when I entered the bathroom during bath time and soaked my socks, and muttered under my breath, ”Sunk-my-Cows!”; due to the over flowing bath time adventures of Cadence and Carmelle.

I encourage you to Adventure on, even when you feel your "Cows have sunk"!

For this Day.

"Lord, send me anywhere,
Only go with me.
Lay any burden upon me,
Only sustain me."

-David Livingstone

For Today.

"The world is full of suffering, it is also full of over coming it."

- Helen Keller

Could not have been better timing!

A Quote from Mother Teresa,

"It's not how much you do that counts, but how much love is in what you do."

Chemo brain.

Obviously I have not completely recovered from chemo brain, they say it lasts 2 years+, I've got a good year yet:)

The party is WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 26th.

Hope to see some of you here!

Come to my Epicure Party!

Come a little hungry and leave happy!

Easy, healthful and delicious mealtime solutions for the home chef and the food appreciater.(That's me!).

Epicure Selections® is a 100% Canadian-owned direct sales company offering a unique line of versatile herb and spice blends, time-saving recipes and professional-quality cookware.
Inspired by the pursuit of making delicious, healthy meals easy for the home chef, Epicure Selections® was founded in 1996 in Victoria, BC, by Sylvie Rochette.

Epicure products are shared by a national network of Independent Epicure Consultants, primarily through home Tasting Parties.

That's what this is, a home tasting party and a good reason for me to have a social gathering. I haven't had a social gathering in a long time and now it's time.

Come hang out, enjoy some good eats, great smells, fun laughs and connecting with friends old and new.

Plus you can spoil yourself and your famliy dinners with some of your purchases or even use it to do some early handy Christmas shopping. That's what I did last year and it worked out great!! I love the Epicure stuff we have and we have a little of everything.Chris cooks with most of it and loves it!
I'm providing the home, kitchen, friendly home environment and the red wine, so please come and hang out with me for a nibble and sip:)

Where: Our house
When: 6:15-9pm
Wednesday October 26th.

See you soon!

If you can make it contact me!

Quote for today.

"You may not think you can reach it.

Climb anyway.

You may not think you'll be heard.

Speak anyway.

You may not think you can change things

Try anyway."

-Maya Angelou-

Updates

The "Current prayer requests" will be undated very shortly, probably already are:) you can find them to the left.
Some people have told me that they've had trouble leaving comments on the blog for me, so some things have been changed so it should be easier now:)
I love reading your positive and encouraging feedback and comments, thank-you!

Hope you had a restful and reflective Remembrance day yesterday.

We watched Madagascar 2 and laughed very much!!

Have a great week everyone!

Feather and family

Work Week.

I just completed working 3 of the last 7 nights and I feel great! I know that many of you have wondered how I'm doing being back at work and I have to tell you, it feels so good! I'm working 2 nights a week and I've averaged about 4 and a half hour shifts. I've handled them much better than I expected I would. I've made a few mistakes:) but over all I've remembered most of what I needed to remember and retained what I needed to learn. A year a half ago when I worked my last shift, I'd been waitressing for 18 months and it had been two years before that since I'd worked as a hostess, which is what I'm doing now. So 3 years later, I've surprised myself, my chemo brain isn't as bad as I thought!

It feels so good to be so warmingly welcomed back into such a great group of staff, so many familiar faces (a few new ones too) I love the social dynamic of the restaurant, it's so busy and keeps you on your toes. It's a great physical work out and I feel stronger and stronger every time I work (in every way)! I was worried that my weakened body would rebel, but so far so good, I am encouraged! I'm hoping that I will be able to waitress sooner than I think, which would also bring in more income:)

There are so any large steps I'm making in every area of my life and I thank God for giving me the courage to face them.

Courage for another day.

Feather

Monday Nov. 10th Quote

God of our life, there are days when the burdens we carry chafe our shoulders and weigh us down; when the road seems dreary and endless, the skies grey and threatening; when our lives have no more music in them, and our hearts are lonely, and our souls have lost their courage. Flood the path with light, run our eyes to where the skies are full of promise; tune our hearts to brave music; give us the sense of comradeship with heroes and saints of every age; and so quicken our spirits that we may be able to encourage the souls of all who Journey with us on the road of life, to your honor and glory.

-Augustine

The delight of true friendship.

As I’m reading this book, “Practicing the Presence of People”, the chapters on Friendship hit me deeply. And I’m able to embrace the sadness of losing my best friend, Carmen, for the first time. I did mourn her passing, six and a half years ago (May 2002) and though I wept, I never really allowed myself to feel the sadness and accept the loss.

I was afraid of feeling sorry for myself, that poor-me wasn’t going to have a best friend anymore; when I should have been feeling grateful for having her as such a close companion and connected consort for 17 years. So I got busy honing in on my gratefulness and forgot to allow myself to feel sad. What I realize now, is that Carmen had it all figured out a long time ago, I just wasn’t able to see it until now. She knew what it was to feel sad, she felt it, deeply...that’s why she was able to experience so much joy in daily living! She’d discovered the secret to “true” joy was “true” sadness; that’s why she was happy all the time!

A very close mutual friend of ours from high school, has reminded me a couple of times along my journey that years ago, while we were still big-haired teens at Sardis High, she asked Carmen the hard question “How can you be happy all the time?” and Carmen replied, in not her usual bubbly self, “What am I suppose to do, walk around crying all the time?!?” Though stunned by her blunt, honest, real, sad and hard reply, she knew it was the truth and deeply respected her for it. Many may have thought that Carmen walked around in blissful denial, but I assure you; she did not.

Carmen knew that walking around crying wasn’t going to change her circumstances or make it easier on anyone around her, but she embraced her sadness and choose to be joy-filled. She made an active effort, every morning, (as she sprayed her hair and put on her high-tops) to see that day as a gift from God.

I still see my friendship with Carmen being one of my life’s greatest gifts and mysteries, I miss her deeply on a regular basis, and I’m sad she’s not here though I continue to receive goodness from her giving spirit. I sense her presence, which I can’t explain and on a regular basis I delight in the fact that our oldest daughter (Carmen-Elizabeth) bares a cheek dimple that only reminds me of her all the more.

I’ve found the highs of my life since then, the birth of the girls, our amazing house, my cancer-free diagnosis would have been sweeter, if she’d been here to share them with; and the lows of fighting illness and the sickness of cancer treatment would have felt easier if she’d been here to soften the blows. Each high and low brings a new mourning.

But that’s it, isn’t it!!! Because I had Carmen in my life in the first place, I know forever more that each “New Morning” will bring a softer and easier new day. When life is just plain “hard”, reflecting on Carmen’s life, then and now, just makes it easier. So “now and then”, I make a point of remembering all the good times we had together.

Thank God I decided to receive Carmen as a friend when we were 13 and in the 8th grade. She sent me a note in 8th grade socials studies class that said, Can I be your friend? Mark an “X” next to Yes or No. Am I ever glad I marked the YES box!! I knew then that having Carmen as a closest friend wasn’t going to be “safe”, but it was going to be easy. I knew then that my life would be forever changed for the better, if only to have her there, close by, for a short while. I also knew then that my life would experience a devastating blow with the loss of her. No matter what, I decided that I wouldn’t have any regrets; because anytime with her was going to be positively life altering and worth it. I’m glad I was able to understand the blessing that Carmen was, even at the age of 13.

Carmen had found out just a few months before, that she had an inoperable brain malformation that would cause her premature death. They told her that she was a “ticking time bomb that could go off at anytime.” She received all of the medical intervention that she could and she carried on with her life. She didn’t just carry on; she carried everyone around her along with her. She was on a joy-ride and was going to take us all with her, whether we liked it or not! And yes, she did have a stubborn side; she was always determined to get the most out of life even if it meant gritting her teeth and digging in her heels some times! (never high-heels though

Carmen was the kind of person that you couldn’t be around with out grinning and seeing the world around you in a greater light. She beamed the glory of her Saviour, Jesus Christ in each and every step even in her “Laura-Ashley” dress and acid-wash jean jacket
She looked every one in the eye and encouraged them, even without saying a word. And when she did speak, the words always seemed to bubble out of her. Carmen loved life and everyone knew it.

The way I figure she saw it, was that she lived every moment like it could be her last, which was her reality, and she wanted to leave everyone with a lasting impression. She impressed on our souls to delight in all the good to be seen and choose to see it, feel and accept it.

When it came to facing my life, I knew I was blessed, no matter what. This example Carmen set became especially poinient when I faced a diagnosis of breast cancer at 23 years old. I clung to her as a source of inspiration and as a life line to help me from sinking. I looked to the example she’d set in my life for the previous 10 years and that she continued to live, as a new bride, faithful friend and committed follower of Christ.

I realize that my “sisterhood” friendship I had with Carmen was uniquely special and that I’m lucky to have experienced that kind of relationship in my life time but what really brings me peace is believing that she’s “around” and that one day we’ll have the ultimate reunion as soul-sisters.

What you taught me Carmen, is the giving and receiving of true love and friendship, void of judgment, distaste, regret and despair. Instead you taught me how face life and death with acceptance, flair, integrity and joy. Carmen never gave up on her hope for the future, her faith in her Creator and love for all she knew. I have clung to these life lessons of hers, the great teacher that she was, and have studied, applied and implemented them into my life to the best of my ability; and when I have floundered I turned to prayer, just as she would have done.

Especially now I have been able to reflect on the life altering emotions that Carmen’s life and death propelled within me; as I start to live once again; healthy, whole and a little stronger than before. I’ve also had the opportunity to become a part of the lives of two of the young women that were with Carmen on her final night of conscious effort. They were so young, still in their teens and God has molded their lives as young women to reflect His love and the love of His servant Carmen in their eyes. As they have “looked” to me in recent months, I can’t help but see her infallible spirit, continuing on, urging others to quite simply smile.

Carmen in your life you gave us a picture of how we should live by opening the window to your soul and in your passing you dissipated our fear of death because we know you’ll be there to open the door, when it’s our turn to knock.



Psalm 19 7-11 (as paraphrased by Mike Mason)

Friendship is perfect,
reviving the soul,

Friends are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.

Friendship is right, giving joy to the heart,
and radiant, giving light to the eyes.

Friendship is so pure that it endures forever,
so sure that it is altogether righteous.

Friends are more precious than gold,
and sweeter than honey.

By our friends are we warned,
and in keeping them there is great reward.


I thank God for Carmen that He put her in my life so I would know the true gift of friendship and never stop seeking it. She taught me how to be myself, trust myself and enjoy myself because she lived “doing unto others”…to all others, including me. She embodied pure joy in the midst of life’s uncertainty and has even now has demonstrated to me that embracing my sadness can feel like the biggest and best “Carmen” hug.

Let’s go and get some hugs!
I have so many wonderful friends to hug I'm not even sure where to start...I know, I'll start with the girls!! "Carmelle! Cadence!"

Love. Is it all we need?

a) The Beatles said, "All you need is Love."

b)The Bible says, "Faith, hope and Love...but the greatest of these is Love."

c)Mike Mason says. "Love is not a thought of a feeling but a decision, an act of the will."

d)There's a saying, "The heart is like a parachute:it works when it is open."

e)Will Roger's said, "A man is about as happy as he makes up his mind to be."

Feather is pondering...All of the above!

This one made me think, again!

A Quote from good,old Albert Eienstien with a Mike Mason addition:

"The significant problems we face cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them." - Albert -

"This is how problems are solved: through a redifining experience.
To be whole and healthy we must have a redifining relational experience not just once in our lives, but every day." -Mike-

When your 5 year old leaves you speechless?!?!

Our five year old daughter, Carmelle, has left me speechless many times in the last week, as she’s begun to ask the tough questions, that many parents dread. Just when I was starting to think I might actually have discovered some of the answers to my own life questions;
she throws this at me, “So if God created me, how did I end up in your tummy, Mommy?!?!”
Ahhhhh….you are right God did create you and you were in Mommy’s tummy ahhh….God used Mommy and Daddy together in a very special way to make you just the way you are, a little bit of Mommy, a little bit of Daddy and a whole lot of Carmelle!!

“Oh, okay.” She said. Phew, I got off easy that time:)

Then she asked in the same car ride, when I hadn’t yet recovered form the first question, “Mommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?” I thought this one was easier; “But I am grown up Carmelle.” Easy done, I thought.

“No Mommy!!!” She proclaimed emphatically!
“What do you want to be when you grow up!!!???!?!”

Wow, I didn’t know what to say to her. I was slightly overwhelmed, as I realized I do in fact have a whole life time ahead of me, in which to set life goals and dreams, some long term and some short term. As I pondered these things, Carmelle grew more impatient. She wanted defined answers to her questions, and “I don’t know?!” Wasn’t going to cut it!

So my 5 year old caused me to dig deep within myself and realize what I want to be when I “grow-up”. This is what I came up with; I would like to be a published Author, I would like to be a Leader in my community, I would like to be heard as a Public Speaker, I want to continue my education as a Student; I want to become Grandparent’s one day with Daddy, to her children and I want to be a Runner again. She seemed satisfied with my answers and so was I. Just as I was starting to feel confident in parenting and abilities to answer my daughter’s questions, she came at me again, because we were driving down the road, there was no escape!

“Mommy, Santa Claus is real, right?!?!”

Oh, crap! With her sister in the car, I wanted to be careful, perhaps use words Cadence wouldn’t understand…the strategies of how to answer such a complex question eluded me.
I said something like, “Santa is real because we pretend he is real.”
Then I held my breath…”No, Mommy, he’s real because I saw him at the Mall, he’s not pretend!!”

Then I resorted to a good old-fashioned response, the trusty old stand-by, “Ask your father when we get home. Mommy is trying to concentrate on driving!”

Later that night, around dinner time, Carmelle decided to ask Chris a question, I gave him a bit of a heads-up on the Santa thing, (but that wouldn’t have helped him at all) She came up with another question that both of us were stumbling over, in amazement that she even thought of such a question. We then prolonged our inability to answer her, by praising her for such good question asking?!?

She’d said, “Daddy, is that a Masterpiece?” referring to the painting on the wall.

Ahhhh…No?!?

“How do you know it’s not a Masterpiece?” she asked.

“I suppose we don’t really Carmelle?!?”

“Then what is a Masterpiece?”

Chris and I looked at each other, he was already in motion so he kind of skipped out of the room, and I was left with the deep pondering of what defines a masterpiece.

Is it the world opinion that decides?; the partaker of that particular piece of art, the art world or the artist? What may be seen as a masterpiece by one, may not be seen by another. Perhaps that painting was that artists best life’s work, but did they know it at the time; probably not. Does one know when they are creating a masterpiece? Maybe.

But I’d think that it is not realized until one reflects on their life’s work, and sees then what stands out among the rest. Which project touched their heart and moved it like none other, and had the same effect on others.

So I replied, “A masterpiece Carmelle, is an extra special piece of work that stands out among the rest when someone reflects back on their life’s work.” Chris nodded in approval to my answer.

That seemed to work for her. Thank God, we can appear “intelligent” to our children for awhile longer!

And we were proud of our daughter for being able to ask such amazing questions at such a tender age. God knows we love such shining brilliance from our little girl who arrived to us 5 and a half years ago, in her birth moment, not responsive and needing full resuscitation, due to the fact she had no heart beat, no oxygen (for a scary amount of time) and myconium in her lungs and stomach. She is a little miracle who just keeps growing and growing!

Reflect on your life’s little miracle’s today!

Quote for tomorrow.

"Yesterday's miracle may not help at all in facing today's obstacle."

- Mike Mason, again:)

Shout out!

I just wanted to give an encouraging shout out to my Grandma (Peggy Butchart) who turned 87 two days ago, and when I talked to her she told me proudly that she has out lived both Doctor's who told her that she'd never live past 70!:) Apparently sass and getting new Doctor's can take you a long way!

Also to my Brother Daniel and His wife Racheal, who just celebrated their 1st wedding anniversary yesterday; I'd like to tell them it gets easier...but...I prefer not lying:) How about, it just gets "richer"...and I put that in quotes, because finanically you may have a little rough road ahead:0 It took Chris and I about 5 years to finally get ahead financially. You've got all the right stuff, I have no doubt!

To my good friend Evelyn, who lives in Manitoba, I may have forgotten to send you a card and forgot to call, but I have thought of you lots. And I love you my dear friend (I think you read my blog?!? I hope so anyway:) Happy Birthday, last Thursday!

To Uncle Wayne, probably my most faithful blog reader, right from the start. I know it's your birthday this month, I just don't remember what day exactly. Thanks for your continued support and positive encouragement.

And I certianly must not miss my Aunt Wendy, who was born on the same day as my Uncle wayne....yes they are twins:)Your on going love and support through the last year and a half has been wonderful, you bless my heart everytime we are in touch.

Quote for today.

"Yesterday's discouragement need not hold us back from victory today!"

-Mike Mason, "Practicing the Presence of People"

Back in the "game"...

So this is it, the single biggest step back into "normal" life... I have my first shift back at work tonight. I will be hostessing at abc restaurant starting tonight!

This will be a fairly big physical test for me, even though the shifts are just 4 hours, 4-8 over dinner time, 2 times a week. Once I do this for a couple of weeks then I'll try 3 shifts like this a week, then back to two shifts but longer shifts. I hope to be back waitressing 4 times a week, by spring 2009.

This restaurant is a very busy one and the job is very physical, especially waitressing. Wish me well, as I re-enter the work force, though very part-time, it feels like a huge step. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time:)

I'm excited to do out doing something that is social and brings in a little income. I miss the ladies at work, it's a great work environment and our boss is wonderful.
They've changed a lot of things since I worked there last, so there will be a learning curve at first, but I'm excited for this new challenge. I haven't done a hostess shift in 2 years and haven't waitressing in 19 months.

Off I go...

( I wonder if I'll fit into my uniform?!?!)

Be not Afraid.

A moving and inspiring quote from Nelson Mandela,

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. IT's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I’m happy that I’m sad.

I had a photo taken of me by my brother, Forrest, at the Thanksgiving table and something was said that made me burst out laughing. The conversation at the “Wagner” home can get quite lively, so I fail to remember exactly what it was that was said, perhaps it was my dear new sister in-law Rachel, informing us that, “ Sea cucumbers do in fact breath through their ass-holes.”
What ever it was, Forrest photographed my “burst”, I realized quickly that you couldn’t tell if I was laughing or crying, either way it looked painful, and there was no telling by someone who wasn’t there, exactly what emotion was being captured. As I drove home I started to think about the close nature of weeping sadness and wailing laughter, and I wondered if the body it’s self knew the difference. And in my heart I knew then, what I was to read three weeks later confirmed for me in this book, that both were of equal healthy strength, that with both I would live a richer, fuller and healthier life. Perhaps not the “Happy” life the world views; but something deeper; when was the last time you weep with sadness and felt it deeply? When was the last time you laughed so hard, your face and side hurt and your and muscles ached the next day?
These to me are signs of a life well lived and felt; they go together, feel one and open yourself up to feel the other, because it’s coming and you can’t have one without the other. They work together to dig more deeply into yourself. When you dig if you find hurt, pain, suffering, disappointment, regret, allow yourself to be sad and feel the emotions of these things in your lives, only then will you discover the hope to live a life in happiness that you’ve always desired.
This is what I realized I’ve been doing for the last few weeks, about 6 weeks so far, allowing myself to dig deeper to experience my sadness, as far back as my early childhood; because I knew that in the depths of my soul that this would mean happiness and joy on the other side like I’ve never experienced before. I have hope in a greater life, not one free from sadness, but one embracing sadness and truly experiencing and dancing with the joys of life and in my life. So where am I at right now, in this moment, I’m embracing sadness but with a growing smile on my face! I’m happy that I’m sad.

They say you learn something new everyday, well yesterday I learnt something big about myself and how I view life. The catalyst was a book I’m reading called, “Practicing the Presence of people”, by Mike Mason ( a local author from Langley BC, I’m now very much looking forward to reading some of his other works, “The Mystery of Marriage”, and “The Gospel According to Job.”)
What I have learn this, that not only is sadness okay, it is necessary. It’s necessary if you want a happy, joy filled life. The deeper you feel your sadness the deeper you will feel your joy.
I sucked into the worldly message that essence of a good life is a happy life; void of sadness. When most people are asked what they want for their children when they grow up, or even for their own lives, they say, “I just want them to be happy!” But this statement is setting your children and yourself up for grave disappointment. Unrealistic expectations, such as having a life only of happiness, set yourself up for failure ( or as the author Mr. Mason states ‘Expectations could be defined as “premeditated resentments.”) Obviously no parent wishes to set their children up for a life of disappointments and resentments, but many have and continue to do so. Mike Mason offers, “Seek a happy, lighthearted life and it will elude you. But seek a godly sadness, and happiness will come running as if its name had been called.”
I life with out sadness wouldn’t be very happy at all, because they need each other to have not just a happy life, but a joyful life. When you truly allow yourself to feel your sadness deep within, it is then that you will truly be able to experience happiness like never before.
Now sadness doesn’t need to go hand in hand with self-pity or depression, but happiness does do hand in hand with love, peace, faith and hope.
Because sadness and happiness are so closely linked, then we can choose to view sadness as hope, if we choose to do so. The author Mike Mason says it like this, “Sadness signals change. It is an intermediate emotion, a feeling that is going somewhere. Like a seventh or a ninth chord in music, it is rich in subtle tones that tend toward resolution, lean toward home.”
Home; being where we feel we are safe and can truly express our selves without judgment. Many of us have never experienced a home like this, or even feel at home within ourselves (void of our own personal judgments)…but this doesn’t been that we can’t start our journey HOME…to that place that God intended for us to find somewhere along this journey. I feel I have arrived at a home, I think it’s mine, I’ve hesitated to knock, but I’m bursting with anticipation to see what is inside!
Perhaps you have no idea what home feels like, or you are one of the rare few that’s always felt at home…where ever you are, there is always more. Even in your sadness, reach out to others with compassion, mercy, grace and love and you will find comfort; that’s what home feels like. Make yourself at home!
Mike Mason write, “ Sadness is hopeful. Sadness is like that moment in a rainstorm when the rain has not yet stopped, but there is a perceptible brightening, and there comes that subtle change in the atmosphere signifying the imminence of a rainbow.” Ahhhh, the hope that can shine through in the pouring rain!

Wearing my sunglasses to hide my tears and to reflect the glaring beauty of the hope for my future; while making myself at home,
Join me will you?...

Feather

October

October has been an incredibly emotional month for me.October is breast cancer month and as much as I apprecite all of the "pink" awareness around me every where I go, I'm kind of glad the month is almost over. It is hard to be reminded of it for 31 days straight! It has been real enough for me for the 18 months before that; good thing pink is the "calming" color:)
Yes I will still dress my girls in pink through the year and I'll still wear something pink from time to time (it's nothing personal against te color pink) I JUST NEED a Break!
I went to Alberta for a get away last week and when I walked in their Safeway I stopped in my tracks...breast cancer awareness month followed be there!! I thought I was going to be able escape my reality for a couple of days, and there they were dozens of huge pink ribbon helium ballons, ARrrGGGHH!
Don't get me wrong...I'm thrilled that times are changing in that regard and that we can see and say breast in public with out hesitation (or maybe I can at least:) and that money is being raised for such a worth cause, and real lives are being saved through education, early detection, research and treatment. I believe these things have saved my life not once but twice. I rejoice in knowing that lives are being saved because we aren't afraid of pink!!
So "just a little tired of pink" and breast cancer, I think I'll take a break!!

Coffee anyone:)

Get Smart, Go get One!!

I'm refering to a mammogram!!

I attended the 17th Annual Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation's Awareness Luncheon.
I sat at a table with 9 other wonderful Abbotsford Ladies and enjoyed a delicious meal. Others in attendance included Priemier Gordon Campbell, Pamela Martin and Dr. Rhonda Low, just to name a few.
The main theme I left with was that we are all responsible for breast cancer awareness. We live in the best place in the world for beating breast cancer, but even then not even 30% of BC women are getting a FREE annual screening mammogram!

The first mammogram you get, which should be at 40, is the one they will compare all future mammograms too.(this is called a base line mammogram) If all women would get a mammogram every year from the age of 40 on, we would see a drastic reduction in breast cancer deaths. We could realistically see a survival rate of 95%+ for 20 years+ if this were to happen.

So I challenge you! If you are 40+ and haven't had a baseline mammogram, get off your ass (while you still have one) and go get one!!

If you have been smart and had your baseline AND continue to go EVERY year, then encourage other women you know to do the same. WE might not have a cure for breast cancer, but we know that if we catch it early, there is a slim chance we will lose our life to this disease! Please take this life saving tool, that we are so priviladged to have (mammography) and USE IT!! There are many women all over the world dying of breast cancer right now wishing they had the resources for early detection that you have. They are mothers,wives, sisters, daughters, grandmothers, aunts and friends...if you can't motivate yourself to suck it up and do it for yourself and your family...then do it for them!!! I'm very passionate about this and possibly even more fired up than I was before.

If you respect me and my life...If you respect you and your life...be smart and get a mammogram! Don't be stupid and ignore what has been made obviously undeniable through this email. I'm not calling you stupid, but every once in awhile we need to humble ourselves admit we were wrong and do better because we know better! And every once in awhile shame is a nasty motivator. It's never to late to make a good choice!!

Share your knowledge and inform women you care about and love. WE can save lives with early detection and I remain living proof of that!!
For young women who have dense breasts and mammography isn't as effective, we are in luck that digital mammography is making a huge difference in early detection of breast cancer in young women and Breast MRI is becoming more available.

We may not be able to cure breast cancer in the next 10 years, but there's no reason why my girls should grow up in a world where breast cancer is so feared and seen as a killer. We look forward to a future when breast cancer is seen as a treatable disease, because when caught early enough it is not life threatening.

Working towards creating a future, without the fear.

Please take your life into your own hands...

Thanking God that I'm still here to bitch at you:)

Feather Janz

The Prairies came and went...but seemed to go on for ever while we were there!

Yes, we were in Alberta last weekend, Wed-Saturday. Chris was working with the Canadian Gospel Music Awards and I tagged along for a relaxing and fun get-away. The first two days Chris was kept very busy Judging a singing contest with 47 contestants and sat on a music producer planel.
During that time, I headed to Lethbridge with my great childhood friend Shannon (Nugent) Fulton. I joined her life for two days and did everything with her while relaxing and just going for the ride. I hung out with her daughters Taylor (10) and Ashley (almost 17) and her rocket-scientist husband, Trevor.(Yes, he is actually a rocket Scientist and works with the Canadian Space agency and other International Space agencies) Shannon will complete her teaching degree this next year, and I'm so proud of them!
I re-joined Chris on the friday evening for the GMA's Banquet dinner and Awards night. The music performances were great, my highlights for the night were Hockus Pick ( Life time Achievement award winners last year) and Rythmn and News ( Life time achievement award winners this year) If you were a Christian youth or just like to hang out a church youuth groups,around 1989--1996 you know exactly who I'm talking about:)Theses guys made it "cool" to be an "awesome" Christian and "radical" for Jesus. Especially us Mennotine raised children, that love that we were finally allowed to jump around, throw our bodies about, and scream to music...but not call it dancing:)Oh but there was dancing, I danced my ass off...I was such a rebel!! I need some more of that kind of dancing now, especially since my backside is at least 3X the size. But I trying to jump up and down to their music and I just ended up with a leg cramp half way through the first verse:( I tried at least. But even though my body felt "old" my heart sang strong and my voice sang along to the familiar songs of my youth. I also finally got to meet all (most)of the guys after many years of wanting to meet them, it wasn't quite what I had imagined at 21, they are all old now too:) Way to go guys!
Chris was asked to receive awards on behalf of Starfield, since they are regularly at our home in the studio working on their music stuff and hanging with Chris. They won 6 Covenent Awards, Congrats Tim, John and crew! (that's what Carmelle calls the band, "The crew".
While we were in Alberta we got the good news that my bone scan was clear of cancer, as previous suspected. It is now firming suspected that I'm suffering from early stage osteoperosis in my spine, but I can live with that and basically "drink more milk" to help out the situation.
WE had a great get-away and now are getting back into regular life, which is never particularly regular. I had my first modelling job yesterday, first one in a year. If they needed an averaged sized woman in her mid-30's, with short blonde hair.I was there girl:)After 3 hours of 4 outfit changes and holding still for the camera, my body had had enough. I'm hoping to get some f the pictures, but because it was a professioanl shoot, getting copies can be tricky. I'll try.. as I always say, "If you don't ask, the answer is always NO."
Heading off now to the Annual Canadian Breast Cancer Foundations Annual Luncheon in Vancouver.

Jumping back into life and trying to work my "back-side" off,

Feather

Encouragement is Always Greatly Appreciated, Thank-you!

Almost a year and half ago many of my good friends put together a fundraiser called "Friends for Feather". That night Rosslyn encouraged everyone to write me an encouragement note, so that I could read them when I was feeling low. Well I didn't end up reading them until recently, because it wasn't until then that I really started feeling low. They were wonderful, there were dozens of them and they really did make me feel so much better. I will read them again in the future, and this time I may not wait until I feel like crying all the time. Not that crying isn't good...but everything in moderation :)

One letter I got during the last year and a bit, especially affected me. It came via my "un-real" Dad, Mr. Gary Wagner:) A young man, my age, that he plays soccer with (I believe) gave him a letter to get to me. On one side was a letter he just wrote for me, and on the other side was a printed letter. It was a rather worn piece of paper and I soon found out why.

I don't recall giving this young man this letter (I’m pretty sure I didn’t write it), or the night out. But I do remember him and working with him, some 17 years ago, at yet another abc restaurant.
This letter (both sides) made me reflect on my life with a surrendered heart. My life is all in His hands; beginning to end. The words of the letter apply to the whole “game” of life and not just a few hours on a soccer field.

He wrote, about a year ago:

Dear Feather,

A long time ago you gave me this letter. We both worked at abc and one night we went to the Husky for a bite to eat…after work. Anyway, we talked until it was late and you had this letter, which you gave me. I was having trouble in soccer at the time. I was trying to find out or understand my role on the team I was playing for. You thought this letter would inspire me and give me guidance. It did!

I never got a chance to thank-you, but I want you to know that I am grateful. I have read this letter hundreds of times and find new meaning in it every time.
I heard about your battle with cancer and have been thinking about you a great deal. You touched me and gave me meaning in a time when I needed it. I hope by returning this letter to you, I will give you at least some reassurance and meaning. You had a big impact on my life and I often think about you.
I learned to never give up and keep moving toward my goals. I hope you find this message in the letter as well. I wish you all the best.


The Letter:

Dear Friend,

When you play tonight, play your best. Play your hardest. But most of all…play for me. You say you will, you say you did, but you were wrong.
Encourage, Don’t discourage!
Smile, don’t complain.
Most importantly, look ahead-not behind!

When you play tonight, love your teammates. Love the ones that never do well, love the ones that are always the best. Love the person who loses the game for you. Love the person who gets all the cheers and compliments. Remember that I love them anyway and you should try to love them too.
When you play tonight, remember how blessed you are. You might ache all over, but it will go away. There are people who feel that way their whole lives. And there are people who can’t feel.
You may get frustrated at seeing a losing score on the scoreboard, but remember you can see. You may want to cry when someone yells at you, but try to say thanks because you can hear. When you feel excited, when you feel hurt, remember these are gifts I gave you that compliment each other, and that makes life a fascinating experience.

When you play tonight, remember that there are people watching you. That’s a scary thought, but it’s important. Be careful how you live, you may be the only Bible some people read. People notice when you hug instead of yell and when you win or lose well. Someone you’ve never even met may come away learning more from your team about life than about the sport.

When you play tonight, be humble. Don’t try to be the best, try to help the person next to you be the best. Don’t look for glory, you won’t find it. It will come when you aren’t seeking it. Don’t brag, don’t flaunt your talents. Quietly work, think and try to improve. Make yourself perfect before working on your teammates.

And the last request…though it comes last, in My eyes it is the most important…have FUN!! In competition it’s easy to forget why you started playing sports in the beginning. Ten years from now it won’t be easy to remember who won or lost, as it will be to remember if you enjoyed the sport. You don’t know when you’ll be able to play again, so go out there and use your abilities, and love every minute of it.

Love winning because it is easy to love but recognize that losing makes you become better. Love jumping, running, hitting and cheering. All over the world tonight there are people lying in bed dreaming of being able to do those things. And when it comes right down to it, that’s what really matters, that you can do these things. It’s not whether you win or lose…you still will be!

So when you play tonight, remember me. I’ll be watching you. So put up a good fight. I believe you can win and hope that you think so too. Love what you are doing, and always remember to laugh.

Love,
Jesus

• So perhaps it’s not sports for you, perhaps it’s something else. I offer this to you to apply to your life, right now, right where you are at. Whether it’s your career, your marriage, your parenting, your schooling, your health…

Still in the “game” and playing ‘till I puke,

Feather

Good NEWS!!!

YEAH!! I'm so excited and happy to report that the "spot" in my spine is NOT cancer!!! The bone scan showed no signs of metestatic (spreading) cancer anywhere in my skeletal system. I'm so relieved and feel so free to start making more plans for the future.
Right now we are still in Alberta.

I received the good news by email from my GP, thank-you so much Dr. Newton, you are the best!
Chris and I are so excited to attend the GMA's banquet tonight as a celebration!

It's unclear what exactly is going on with my T1 verterae, that is causing arm discomfort (nerve pinching stuff) and stiff neck and back pain, but what ever it is, I can live with it!!
So now I'm continuing to plan to start work again part-time in a couple of weeks, just 8-10 hours a week to start. I'm really looking forward to it:)

Feel free to share my good news, I'm still considered in remission then, or cancer-free, and intend to stay here for a good long time!!

I do feel bad for those that feel stressed or overwhelmed by the "roller-coaster" of cancer; trust me, I know all about it. As much as it sucks, I'd rather live the roller-coaster; because the highs are so great and it feels good to be alive!!

This is how many people with cancer, living with cancer etc. would describe the journey, the beginning, middle and end; one big roller coaster ride.
IT(the entire cancer journey)takes you for a "ride" (some people really hate rollercoasters and some will never go on one, ever) on the "ride" some times you are terrified,sometimes there's a "thrill" (good news!); there are dips and bumps, when you feel like you have to hold-on for dear life.
Others times you squeal with joy and throw your hands in the air "like you just don't care", and then you hit a corner you weren't prepared for. The thoughts come and go, "How did I get here?", "Where's the fun?!?" When you are on it, it seems to last for- ever and when it's over, it's just a blurr.
When you get off, solid ground seems unfamiliar, your stomach thinks about emptying it's self (or does) your head is spinning and you aren't sure where you are for a little while.
Every roller coaster is unique, just like every journey with cancer.
I'm happy to be at the end of another "ride", though still woozy, I have a big bright...smile!

Thank-you for "riding" with me.

I'm heading out of the "theme park" and back into my life.

Alberta here we are...now what?!?!

Like Mother, Like Daughter

A few weeks ago, Carmelle came home from Kindergarten with a story that left me speechless (this doesn't happen to often, me being speechless that is, so I thought I'd better document it)
The teacher had been telling them about Terry Fox because they were going to do the Terry Fox Run/walk at school. Carmelle realized very quickly that he had cancer like her Mommy. (Though I hadn't been doing do much running she added)She was excited to inform her class that her Mommy was like Terry Fox, only I wasn't dead, and instead of losing my leg to cancer...I'd lost my boobies!!
Oh..?!?!? I replied, speechless. She contined to let them know that her Mommy got new boobies, just like Terry Fox got a new leg! Right, Mommy...?!?!? She said.
"Right." I said.
And I headed to the other room to have a good laugh. She seemed quite pleased that she got her facts right and that she had something special to contribute to her friends. Though I'm mildly embarassed, I'm very proud of her for not being afraid to share.
I suppose some would say, "Like Mother, Like daughter." I hope one day she'll be proud of that statement as well.

More tests.

After having increased discomfort in my arm, neck and head (sometimes incredibly painful) I headed to the ER two weeks ago, on a mission to get a CT for my neck (spine) and head. Hoping of course nothing would be found, but needed to be reassured, the former was confirmed on Friday. There is something about 1 and a half cms at my T1 vertbrae, at the base of my neck and top of my back.
I'm hoping and praying that it's possible radiation damage, old injury (but didn't show up in previous CT scans) genetic spinal degenerative osteoperosis; all of these things I can live with.
The alternative I couldn't live with very long. Possible metestatic Her2 breast cancer to the bones would really suck. It would literally want to suck the life out of me. So we pray it's not that...
Otherwise I'm feeling really quite well. Much better in so many ways in fact.

I have a bone scan for follow up, marked urgent, for tomorrow, tuesday 11:15am to be exact.
We pray there is nothing to be found by this test. I see it as a precaution to rule out other things. But I'm grateful to have it so soon and to not have to wait much longer.
Waiting for test results, especially with so much at stake, has got to be the hardest part of this journey. The not knowing can often be very stressful and difficult; a "no-man's-land" of sorts. Though I prefer to make it "God's-land" and not something I need to stress or worry about, because my soul knows that He is in control and He wants what is best for my life and my loved ones.
He knows the big picture and sees the heart, mind, soul and body...I surrender it all.

A "Good Cry"

Who ever called it a "Good cry" sure knew what they were talking about, it sure feels good to me. I never realized what a good cry was until recently, when I could literally wash my face with my tears. Those are some cleansing tears...
When you have the time and the kleenex, have yourself a "good cry"....It's not bad!

Quote

This one took a lot of thinking and working on it today.

"It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels worthy of himself and claims kindered to the great God who made him."
- Abraham Lincoln

I think I'll sit on this one all day!

I think I forgot?!?!

Those close to me have realized that my memory isn't what it once was; in fact it has been so bad at times,it's been a bit of a mystery. I've had times when I don't remember seeing movies, hearing messages, buying things or even placing when in the last days, weeks or months certian events took place.

This is commonly called, "Chemo brain", but it doesn't seem common when you have it. Though I have adapted to informing people, in conversation, that they will have to remind me of what ever it is we are talking about. Apparently this can last for 2 years, and since I'm appraoching the one year mark of finishing my last harsh chemo treatment, perhaps I only have one more year of this.

Chemo does cause short term, long term and permanent brain damage. Lately my short term has been quite bad; I've even forgotten appointments, which isn't like me. I can't commit to things because I don't know that I'll even remember doing it. Others have had to take over some of the getting the girls to and from school on time, mostly Chris, because I lose track of time and forget.

So my Mom did a little reasearch and found out that "ginkgo biloba" is helpful with memory loss and has success with chemo brain. So she bought me some and gave it to me at their house on Thanksgiving.

But of course I forgot it there!:) Of course expecting me to remember much of anything lately is interesting.

So if you have called and I haven't called you back, I probably forgot that you even called. Don't take it personally:)

Apparently this is all still considered normal.

Redefining Normal,

Feather (At least I'll always remember my name...no one ever forgets it!)

Tribute to the Life and Fun times of Casey Bosch...

A great man of God, an adoring husband, devoted father,legendary Grandpa and irreplaceable friend. Casey was so many things to so many people. I know he'll be missed by neices and nephews and many who just wanted him to be their "Uncle" Casey.

Everyone was draw to him who knew him, the love of Chirst and faith shown through him constantly. His voice inspired through laughter, songs, lines delivered and praises spoken. Whether behind the wheel of his beloved truck or behind his guitar, his family always knew he was right behind them always. Now he stands even taller in the presence of his Lord and Saviour, beaming, bellowing laughter and belting out praises.

He embodied all that Christ wants us to be joy-filled, blessed, generous in spirit, loving from deep with in, hands-on, hard working, long-suffering; and adding "zest" to our lives and laughter to our hearts. As we mourn what we have lost, we think of his glorious family who will struggle to cling to his amazing memories. May we do what we can to help and to ensure that they'll never let us forget all that Casey would want us to remember.

Be spontaneous, but don't forget to watch where you are going.
In the midst of pain and suffering, remember to see the joy in all things great and beautiful that God has created.
Never give up on a good truck, and good partner and a good script.

We feel hounered to have knowen you; honoured that you opened your home, arms and heart when we needed it.

Our hearts ache and break for the empitness that will be felt with your absence; and we thank our God for the reassurance that we will see you again in your place of glory. That you will be welcoming us in with you strong, clear, destinctive voice, and say, "Welcome Home, I've been waiting for you to arrive."

Casey your eyes were always welcoming, warm, kind, mischivous and full of the love of Jesus. We will miss not working on the NBC program at Northview church with you, we will cherish always those never wasted hours back stage with you, waiting for our next cue.
It seems your cue came to soon for this final curtian; but I rest tonight knowing that you are getting the biggest hug of your life from your creator. I'm sure He's already filling you in on all the mysteries of His creation and you are loving it!!

We will miss you our friend, brother-in-Christ and lover of music,
You will never be forgotten, always rememebered and echoed in all of the creation around us.
Thank-you for a live so well lived, for us to be touched my your existance and by the love of Christ in you.
When I sit by the babbling, rolling river...I will close my eyes and hear your laugh, just the thought brings smile to my face through my tears.
Thank-you for this, one of so many gifts from Mr. Casey Bosch.

Your love will continue on....

Cracked!

A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg, even though you're slightly cracked!

HAPPY THANKS-GIVING?!?

I'm feeling rather overwhelmed by the statment of the day. "Happy Thanksgiving."

Am I to be all of these things to all people and are they to me all these things to me all day?!? Wow, that seems like a lot to expect from one little old day...

HAPPY- Happiness
Thanks- Thankfulness
Giving- Generosity

I guess I'll try:)

Blessings to you on this Happy, Grateful, generous Day,


Feather

Thanks-Giving...

By nature, with some nuturing involved, I'm a grateful person; but lately I've had to make much more of an effort at it. This especially feels poinient now heading into Thanksgiving weekend (Canada) So I started a "healthy" habit two weeks ago, when I started a "Gratitude Journal". It's quick and can be easy; harder some days. I have my own rules you could adopt, or you could try your own, or you can say, no-thank-you to the whole idea (but I thought that might be harder for you since it's thanksgiving weekend and all:)
So this is it, every day, usually at night, somtimes throughout the day I have to write a minimum of 5 things I'm grateful for ( at least one has to be about my husband (grateful remember:) Then I finish with making 3 "wishes" for the next day. Three things that you want to happen and very likely are going to happen.
My extra personal rule, is that my husband is free to read my "gratitude journal" at anytime. (This would be up to you)

So for example today:( My journal entry October 10th)

- We had a wonderful family breakfast with Chris's Mom before saying our good-byes
- We got some great pictures of the visit time with Grandma Janz(Beth)
- I got to go for a tan
- Therapy with Lois was productive
- the nurse got my IV in, on her first try:)
- Chris made me a cup of tea when I got home, while I was relaxing in the bath
-Jessyca (the wonder babysitter cared well for the girls as always)
- I enjoyed reading the girls to sleep by 7:15

3 "Wishes" for tomorrow:
- Chris has a safe drive to Penticton for a weekend gig.
- I manage okay with chris gone.
- The weather is nice so I can enjoy lots of outdoor play with the girls.


* Just something I'm Thankful for, that I'd thought I'd share with you this weekend.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families!!

Faith

Faith is to believe what you do not yet see; the reward for this faith is to see what you believe.

-St. Augustine



I believe what I see,
I believe without seeing,
I'm seeing what I believe,
I see,
I believe,
Blind Faith.


-Feather Janz

Fundraising goal met!!!

Thank-you everyone for your support! I just reached $1020 in fundraising for the CIBC Run for the Cure!! It was an emotional day and a great event as always and I'm happy to say that I just confirmed $1020 in funds raised, reaching my $1000 goal! Thank-you again, I won't bug you again until next year:)

My quote for today

I found something I can say to myself that helps to relieve a lot of guilt and makes a good excuse to reward myself:)

"Healthy choices are always best but naughty choices aren't always bad!"

- Feather Janz (You can quote me on that!)

We got our PINK ON!!

We were in pink from head to toe, except Chris who was just surrounded by pink:), and I managed to slowly walk the 1 km with my Mom and friend Tara. By the end of today I was able to raise $920 for breast cancer research, awareness,treatment and ultimately a cure. I can raise money until the end of the month, and it's my goal to reach $1000, so only $80 to go. If you can help me out, please let me know:)
It was quite an emotional day. I'm exhausted and I'm going to lie down for awhile and go to sleep early.

An "Uhuh" moment...

I had one of those, an "Uhuh" moment...
I realized...

"I've gotten really good at expressing my emotions, but I'm not so good at letting them sink in."


Hmmmmmm...Letting that sink in.


Feather

Sunday October the 5th is the Run for the Cure!

2008 has been interesting and inspiring year. I've fought hard and come through cancer free, once again! I want The Run for the cure to be such a day of celebration for my life, the life of my family and our girls. All of this is believing that breast cancer can be history for them; never again!
Help us to celebrate life, remember those we've lost to this devastating disease and let's all do our part to make cancer history!

I am participating in the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation CIBC Run for the Cure, on Sunday, October 5th and I am asking for your support for a cause that is very important to me.
Help create a future without breast cancer by making a donation today. Donating online is quick, easy and secure. Your donation will be added to the critical funds raised by the Run, and will be directed towards research, education and awareness programs.



Go to the website:

www.cbcf.org

(official website of the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation)

Click to "Make a Donation"; centered on the page

CLick on the circled in pink "Donate Now!"

Scroll down and find, "Donate to a particpant", that's me :)

Click- "support a run participant"

Scrolol down againa to " Donate to a run participant"

Another POP up!

Finally:

Donate to a participant : First name:Feather

Last nameJanz

Location: Abbotsford, BC

Then click again "donate to this participant"

Please fill out your personal info and donate what ever your heart feels. Thank-you for thaking the time and necessary steps to do this. I feel well supported and I'll be walking the steps with joy and tears!



Bless you all!!

They will issue you a tax receipt and that's all you have to do and I hope you do it!

Thank you. I appreciate your support!



Sincerely,

Feather Janz, Husband Chris and our girls Carmelle and Cadence.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

I am literally stopping to smell the roses!

The 2 dozen pink ones in my dining room table:)

Today's BIG life lesson!

I figured out a huge life lesson all by myself today!

" I can be grateful for all that I have, while grieving for all that I've lost."

Lyric Quote

I found solice in the lyrics of a popular song by Match box 20 today.

As I heard Rob Thomas croon, "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell."

I embraced those words and repeated them to myself today as I cruised through my daily duties as Mommy, wife and homemaker.

A new family member!

Our girls have a new baby cousin and we have a sweet new niece!
Baby girl Adeline Elizabeth Olguin was born today October 2nd in Seattle, weighing 6lbs 15 ozs!
Congratulations to Chris's little sister Kelsey and her husband Rob, the proud new Mommy and Daddy!! All the best you guys, she's beautiful and we can't wait to hold her!
Chris's Mom was so happy to be there, after just arriving from London, England.
We look forward to Chris's mom coming here for a visit sometime in the next couple of weeks. The girls are extatic about having another cousin and having Grandma Janz coming for a visit.

Welcome to the family baby Addy!!

Nobody is perfect?!?

This one made me laugh through my tears, at the painful truth of it;

"They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds!"

- Wilt Chamberlain

Posttraumatic Stress

I first wondered if this could explain some things I was thinking and feeling when I read in the book, “Crazy Sexy Cancer” that cancer patients with long drawn out treatments were being compared to having similar emotional reactions as soldiers coming home from battle and rape victims. All having similar life threatening and life altering incidents that changed how they would always emotionally respond and feel; though it would have never occurred to compared myself to a rape victim or soldier of war, I understood. The constant state of feeling that your life is in imminent danger for an extended period of time, can be emotional altering. Even when in reality you should be feeling safe, you don’t.
I just heard a movie quote from a solider saying, “The whole time I was over there, all I lived for, dreamed of and longed for was to come back here. And now that I’m here, all I can think about is going back.” This I understand. Crazy? I thought?
Thankfully the therapist today said to me, “No, not crazy, normal.” I do believe that for the first time in my life, that word sounds so good to me. Normal. I’m not sure I know how, to be normal, but I’m going to try. She says it will probably include weeping, not moving, just feeling, and allowing someone I trust the most to pull me up and dust me off when I’m good and ready. (Whenever that is.)
I’ve spent a lot of energy through my entire life not allowing myself to get on the floor because I was afraid I wouldn’t get back up. My heart is in good hands and so is my soul, I’m ready.
My ears will block all noises such as, “Get a grip!”, Pull yourself together”, “This isn’t like you.”, “What are you doing, do you need help?!?!”, “I thought you were stronger than that.”, “This can’t be healthy.” I choose to ignore all of the above and they have no place in my life or my recovery.
Perhaps you won’t hear from me for awhile. Chris will hear me and so will my medical team on a regular basis. I know I’ll be fine, but if you don’t mind ( and I don’t care if you do or not to be honest) I’m going to fall apart now. And I’ll be back eventually.

Definition:


Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an emotional illness that develops as a result of a terribly frightening, life-threatening, or otherwise highly unsafe experience. PTSD sufferers re-experience the traumatic event or events in some way, tend to avoid places, people, or other things that remind them of the event (avoidance), and are exquisitely sensitive to normal life experiences (hyper arousal). Although this condition has likely existed since human beings have endured trauma, PTSD has only been recognized as a formal diagnosis since 1980. However, it was called by different names as early as the American Civil War, when combat veterans were referred to as suffering from "soldier's heart." In World War I, symptoms that were generally consistent with PTSD were referred to as "combat fatigue." Soldiers who developed such symptoms in World War II were said to be suffering from "gross stress reaction," and many who fought in Vietnam who had symptoms of what is now called PTSD were assessed as having "post-Vietnam syndrome." PTSD has also been called "battle fatigue" and "shell shock." Complex posttraumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) usually results from prolonged exposure to a traumatic event or series thereof and is characterized by long-lasting problems with many aspects of emotional and social functioning.

Survivours Guilt

I know what it is and I know I have it.I remember almost 13 years ago, when my friend Cindi's husband called to tell me that she'd passed in the night from breast cancer. For one brief moment, I had a wave of jealousy, she home and I was here. I had some survivors guilt because I thought she should be around to raise her son, when I had nothing like that to live for.
Now I find myself, scouffing at the lyrics " Only the good die young.", guess I wasn't quite good enough. I need a little more time to figure it all out I guess!
There's life and there's death, our only two certianties. And it is always repeated, Life just isn't fair! Then Death must be fair. We live our life time, how ever long that is, life won't be fair, but before you know it death will be knocking on your door, and it will only be fair.
So perhaps we discard the word fair and make a new phrase, and no not, Life is hard and then you die!
How about....Be in love with life everyday, even though it evetually leads to death.
Do I deserve to survive more than than the next person, absolutely not, perhaps however I owe it to them to give each day a hug for them. A hug is a symbol of so many things, compassion, grief, loss, love, welcome,reunion, warmth and connection.
Perhaps that will help me over come my survivours guilt, if I hug just to hug, to give. That is one expectation I know I can live up to.

"HUG" squeeze, consider yourself hugged (it's part of my recovery:)

The following should be read with caution

Friday, September 26, 2008
These are harsh words, proceed with caution.

I had a breakthrough today, perhaps a break down, I'll have to ask the psycotherapist I meet in Monday, which it was. To quote Jim Carrey, perhaps it was a "nervous breakthrough." I've been asked many times if I'm angry with God for allowing me to have cancer, NO. I've also been asked did I ask "God why me, Why do I have to endure cancer not once but twice" again NO!
But today I broke down in weeping tears "Why not me, Why don't I get to go home to glory now." I felt I prepared for death so well and galliantly. I gracefully took what could have been my final weeks and months in stride, with my head held high.I wasn't afraid to die and I embraced that my life time was exactly that, my life time.
I found peace, and happiness in my life of 36 years.
Today I mostly wept. I'm well and I should be rejoicing. But it occured to me that everyday for the rest of my life I live waiting for the other shoe to drop. Life already isn't fair, and now I have to live with this as well. AM I strong enough? God did you really make me this strong? I feel so weak, unable to encounter life as before. Afriad that others will expect the same, if not more from me. I'm not the same girl, stronger in some ways, but so much weaker in others.
In some ways I feel as though I have so much to give, but the thought overwhelms and exhausts me. How much do I invest into getting better, physio therapy, support groups, counselling, therapy, and of course church prayer and fellowship. How much of that is self-ish and how much of is it for my family?
Living Life, living a good life, is really hard work. And I feel so weak I don't see how it will be possible yet. The transtion into wellness is much harder for me than into illness. At least with illness, I had something to fight for.Now I still want to fight, but what.
I can only beat up myself for so long, then my husband (who doesn't know what hit him) Perhaps I need to take up kick boxing. It worked very well for a friend of mine after breast cancer.
It's easier to fear cancer than to fear life. Life can be a little scary, especially when I fear that I'll just get back into it and this nasty disease will rear it's ugly head again.
Fighting to live , when the fights over....an unknown chapter. (to be continued)

These are harsh words, proceed with caution.

I had a breakthrough today, perhaps a break down, I'll have to ask the psycotherapist I meet in Monday, which it was. TO quote

Quote for today

"Stay in LOVE with LIFE!"

Grab a tissue!

* An old friend shared these lyrics with me. She wrote them a few years ago in response to a story she saw on Oprah. I remembered the story of a young mom terminal with breast cancer, leaving recorded messages for her little daughter to one day watch. The story broke my heart then even before I was a mom myself and encountered the disease again. I thought of this story, inspired by that mom's life and her courage in facing her death. I'd though if my circumstances became similar to hers, that I would want to do something similar for my girls. I've held out hope and have contiued to hold out hope that I won't ever have to. It is my plan, purpose, intention and hope to be able to say all of those messages directly to my girls, in front of them while holding their hands and guiding their lives here.
IT breaks my heart that many young mom's are faced with this reality. It has lingered as a fear for me, but is not my reality. But I'm sure you'll feel the impact of these lyrics, as for me they were so close to my heart, it ached.


To Where I Am
---------------------

vs/
hello angel
happy birthday
my precious baby girl
so, how's it feeling
to be sixteen?
are you ready for the world?
oh, i wonder what new wonders
the world will have seen
by the time you load this tape
in our old vhs machine

right now i'm watching you watch me
hope you can feel my touch
my arms are wrapped around you
and i'm just loving you so much
and baby..

ch/
may your troubles
make you struggle
just enough
to always keep you strong
a child of God
on loan from heaven
may you never feel
that you belong.....to this world
and when the pain of missing me
is more than you can stand
may it keep you on the road
to where i am

vs/
if i know your daddy
he gave you
my wedding rings today
and asked you to keep yourself
for no-one else
til he gives you away
he knows that you've
so much to lose
and everything to gain
just know- no matter
what you choose
he'll love you just the same

every day that i'm in Heaven
he's been thru a night of hell
so if and when he loves again
i pray you'll wish him well
oh, i'd love to tell him

ch/
may you never
think there ever
was any other
you were the BEST thing in my life
that handsome man
who took my hand
and made me a mother
i was so blessed to be your wife....all those years
may you find some peace in knowing
there's a greater plan
and may it keep on the road
to where i am

ch/
take the time
i didn't have
and make it matter
help somebody find The Way
keep pressing on
toward the dawn
straight ahead
and every time you stray...keep looking up!!
remember the story
about Footprints in the sand
and let them lead you up this road
just get here ANY way you can!!!!
may God bless you both
and keep you on the road
.....to where i am xooxxoxooxox

Written by:
Lori-Anne (Siemens) Hlookoff

Thank-you Lori for sharing this song with us!!

God Bless, I feel blessed.

Can you Help with childcare?

Over the next few days Chris and I need a little extra support with childcare. I've not been getting the rest I need post-op, from having my portacath removed last friday. As of today I've been put on antibiodics because I'm not healing properly. Chris is being "super" Dad and husband and is burning himself out. He needs a couple more long, uninterrupted sleeps so he can recover from his cold and "travel" lag from 20 days on the road. It's been hard to keep the girls on routine with Daddy home, they are just so excited! Three days in, we are all crashing from the "high" of having Chris home again:) If you are able to help us out this is when we could use help, tomorrow:
Wed am 8-11:30am
Wed pm 3-9pm
Thursday all day and night 8am-8pm
Friday 8am- 11:30am
Saturday 3pm-9pm
Sunday 2pm-9pm

We don't need help every minute of all those times, but a little here and there would certainly help. Hope to hear from you.(Payment is availabe)

Settling Down

I'm recovering from my portacath removal surgery, which was last Friday, 3 days ago. It's sore, but not to bad,I'm looking forward to my nap as soon as a I finish writing this. Chris is home and has had two sleeps in his own bed, best sleeps ever:)
The girls are calmer now that Daddy is home, to tuck them in and cuddle with at night. Denise is settled into her own home with Louie her cat. Carrie, Lizzy's grown daughter, is now settled into out suite downstairs with her hedgehog "Angel" it's an albino and very interesting looking. She's going to school fulltime and is looking for part-time work.
We look forward to settling into a settled and rountine lifestyle soon, if at all possible?!? Wishful thinking perhaps, since Chris's work weeks are never the same, but we can always try to find calm the best we can in the midst of the chaos, called our lives:)
Serenity...while still living.

Chris is almost home!

He just called from the Coquihala Hwy, north of Kamloops, he'e safe!! I was getting very worried, 12 hours without contact freaked me out. It's not like Chris to not call, but it didn't occur to me that he wouldn't have cell service the whole time. Even now he called from a pay phone. I wished he called from a payphone sooner, but he said they were hard to find and he was just stopping for gas at early hours most of the time. He should be home in 3+ hours, it will be so good to see him home and safe.
Thank-you to those of you that took a moment to pray.

God Bless,

Feather

Please pray for Chris's safe drive home!!!

Chris left right after the concert in Grande Praire Alberta last night. He wanted to drive straight home, to be with us as soon as possible. He would have left about 11pm last night, and i haen't heard from him since, it's now 9:15 am Saturday morning. I was sure he'd call by now and I'm getting very worried about his safety. Please pray for his safety on this drive home. He told me it was a 12 hour drive, but from what I can tell on the map it's about 17 hours.Perhaps he's where there is no cell service, but for almost 2 hours? Perhaps his cell died, but I'm pretty sure he has a charger and he usually would have thought to call on a pay phone by now. I 've left about 6 messages, and slept with the phone by my bed
I'm particuallarly emotional because I had sugery yesterday afternoon. I had general anisthetic and had my portacath removed. So I'm medicated as well as it's very sore where they had to cut out the port as my body grew attached to it for 17 months.
Please stop and take a quick minute to pray that my husband returns home soon to us all, we've missed him ver much over the last 20 days.

Thank-you from Chris and myself.

Many people have asked how Chris is doing and I thank-you for your prayers, thoughts and concern. Thankfully Chris is doing better, not great, but better. He knows he will be able to complete the tour at this point which is very encouraging for everyone. His drumming is getting stronger and he's able to find some joy in the experience. Touring is hard work, with many sleepless nights driving through the night and Chris doing much of the driving. He finds that driving at least helps him take his mind off the pain, and he's able to contribute to the tour this way, when he can't physically do some of the other take down and set up of the stage.
I'm feeling better after a nasty week of cold/flu that's still lingering and after having a little medical procedure done 2 days ago. It was suppose to be done a week ago but got bumped, which was probably for the best since I got so sick this week. If it wasn't for these two ailments, I do believe that I would actually be feeling quite well.I had a day and half last week, int he last 6 weeks, that I actually felt normal and was very encouraged, before the cold symptoms kicked in:( But I was happy to know that feeling that way more consistantly, is just around the corner.
We are growing stronger every day, thank God:)

Standing Tall

I’ve just finished reading the book, “Standing Tall”, A memoir of Tragedy and Triumph by C. Vivian Stringer, head coach of the Rutgers University Women’s basketball team.

Thank-you, brother-in-law Colin for this great book, I’ve enjoyed reading it so much.

This is an incredible life story of one women’s journey from poverty to priviledge; full of tragedy and triumph. With her young life centered around family, education, athletics and adversity, this young women has gone on to have huge success in her marriage, career (on and off the court) motherhood and a fight against cancer. Her life has been put in the spotlight with the good and the bad and sometimes the ugly, but she always stood tall, as her father, who suffered with the lose of a leg at a young age, taught her to always do. Now she has gone on to teach hundreds of young women she has coached directly these same valuable life lessons. Now with her story out, you to can benefit from her secrets of a successful life of faith in the face of discrimination, the finding and losing of great love ( her husband died suddenly of a heart attack at 47 as she performed CPR), the devastation of a child being disabled severely by spinal meningitis, a son being charged with a terrible crime he didn’t commit, a private fight with breast cancer, and the public humiliation of her and her team of young ladies by the tongue of an ignorant man.
When Vivian Stringer met Maya Angelou she bent down to greet her in her wheel chair and Ms. Angelou said to her, “Bend down for no one, and bow only for the Lord.”
Stand tall; was the reoccurring theme as I read personally impacting statements over and over, such as: Oprah saying to Coach Stringer and her team, “You make me proud to spell my name W-O-M-A-N!”

Quotes from “Standing Tall” that touched my heart, moved my soul and brought me to tears:

From Maya Angelou, “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact,it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”

“To think like a champion…that means stepping up, no matter what kind of obstacles life puts in front of you. It means digging deep within yourself and finding the will to fight, no matter how many times you get knocked down. Most of all, it means never taking the easy road out.”

“My hope is that they will come to share my fundamental and unshakable faith: that each and every one of us has the ability to triumph in the face of adversity, to lift ourselves up and succeed, no matter what trials we encounter.”

“…perhaps this terrible thing has happened so that I could go on to inspire others, to give them hope.”

“…to give hope to those without hope, strength to those whose strength had failed.”
“To Rise and give Hope!”

“They say that God never gives you a burden you can’t bear, and maybe that’s true, but I know that there have been plenty of days when I have not been able to see my way forward, days where I have thought, I cannot lift my head and go on. But I know that it has always been better for me to pick up that burden, no matter how heavy, and to carry it to the very best of my abilities.”

“The minute you allow disappointment or tragedy to stop you in your tracks, you have stolen something from yourself, something more precious than you can even imagine: your dreams.
It is through overcoming that we understand what we are capable of; it is only after we have been tested that we can go on to offer comfort to others.”

“Real success is achieved when you set your own worth, fulfill your own destiny, and stand up for what you know to be right.”

“What we have learned, we now must teach.”

“Accept the hand that has been dealt and take a step into the unknown.”

“All you can do is your best and forgive yourself for the rest.”

“Sometimes we are tested so we can go on to help others.”

“Life does get disrupted, no matter what you do or how careful you are. Yet even when you get pushed down, you have to pick yourself up and go on, believing that other good things are in store for you.”

Lyrics from the Yolanda Adams song, “The Battle is the Lord’s.”
“There is no pain Jesus can’t feel, no hurt He cannot heal. No matter what you’re going through, remember that God is only using you, for the battle is not yours, it’s the Lord’s.”

Chris needs your prayers!

Chris was able to see two different Doctor's while on the road, in Newmarket Ontario, and both agreed that he seems to have bleeding ulcers and that if he gets any worse at all, that he needs to get to a hospital ER as soon as possible. Meanwhile he's trying to drum each night the best he can, and he's feeling very discouraged, because he feels so sick. He's in a lot of pain and not able to get the rest he needs to properly heal.
Tomorrow night he's in Sudbury Ontario, after a 5 hour drive tomorrow, and then they have to drive 1000 kms through the night to do a show in Thunderbay. Chris was so looking forward to being on the road touring with the Starfield guys and now he feels like he's letting them down. They have talked about the possibility of Chris needing to be replaced and having to come home to get well. This would not be the outcome that anyone wants. Please pray that this doesn't happen!!
Also pray that Chris feels better and better each day the that his drumming reflects this. WE also don't want him to get so sick that he ends up in the hospital and we don't want the concerts to be negatively effected for the band.
The band has had so many things against them in recent days and months, please pray for their effectiveness in ministry as they all do the best job they can.

Wanting healing for my husband, even more than myself,

Praying wife,

Feather Janz

Sickness, SICK!

I suppose there is never a good time to feel unwell or under the weather. For us right now it is a terribly bad time for Chris and both, because we are both feeling gross. But I get to be home resting with help and really good anti-nausea drugs. Chris is on the road, driving, working and drumming shows each night, while puking, not able to eat and getting dehydrated. The cold and flu symptoms include body pain and discomfort, stomach cramps and pain, headache, major nausea and head cold. Cadence also has it, but she seems to be handling it much better than either Chris or I. I was run down for obvious reasons and chris was rundown because he worked 10 days straight about 18 hours a day, or more, before he left on the tour. We knew he already wasn't doing so great before he left, and then he got worse. Now he's so bad, he's worried that they may have to bring in a replacement drummer and send him home. We don't want this. Chris has been so looking forward to working, performing and hanging out with the guys of Starfield, and to be involved in such a great ministry opportunity. Not to mention we also really need the income that this two and a half weeks of work would bring into our home.
The last week has been very hard on us financially. I've needed more help with childcare with Chris gone and my not feeling well. Plus BOTH our vehicles broke down and have run us up a bill of $2,400! SICK!!
Now that our vehicles are running better, we hope we will as well.
We ask for your prayers as we move forward in so many ways, and face discouragment as it seems we have to take a few steps back first.

Playing my Cancer Card!

Wigs: $1000

Out-of-pocket medication costs: $7,000

Childcare costs for 18 months+ $15,000, $20,000

Use of Your Cancer Card to get out of a ticket when pulled over, bald, by an office of the law:
PRICELESS


THE CANCER CARD:

Here are a few rules to keep in mind:
1- Your membership begins the day you are diagnosed
2- It is nontransferable.
3- There is no annual charge, interest rate, or debt.
4- You may swipe your card freely, but we urge you to use some discretion. Tragically the card can be declined.

Best Shopping therapy Purchase with my cancer card: This would have to be my wigs! The day it was confirmed that I would need chemo and would lose my hair, because the cancer had spread to lymph nodes and was invasive, I immediately bought two really nice blonde wigs. I picked them and paid for them within an hour of this news. I got a shoulder length dirty blonde one and a very long super blonde one. ( the color of blonde that I never dared to bleach mine to:))Within an hour of that purchase, my boss gave me a $1000 cheque, not knowing about the recent therapy purchase.
It was the best $1000 I ever spent on therapy. I hardly ever wore the wigs, I actually ended up preferring going bald, but I had no idea how I would feel losing my life long mane of hair that I was so defined and recognized by. I thought my hair really defined me and my confidence, but I was happy to realize I never missed it, never shed a tear and was thrilled to know that my inner confidence prevailed!
Knowing the wigs were there if I needed them, or if I’d miss having long hair, as I got mine cut off and then weeks later had it fall out in hand-fulls, right before Chris took the electric razor to it in the back yard; they gave me peace of mind whe I needed it in the beginning. They helped take away the fear that I was worried I might have with losing my hair. They were my safety net, just in case I had terrible anxiety over my hair loss. But it never happened, perhaps because of the wigs and perhaps because I was much stronger and more confident than I realized. Either way I never have regretted the purchase, even though I only wore them a dozen times or so.

Best Swipe of my cancer card: Getting out of a traffic violation ticket in downtown Vancouver right before Christmas. I turned left on a no turning left street, the officer was just waiting for someone like me to do this. He wasn’t counting on a young mom, bald, with two little ones in car seats. He asked where my hair went when looking at my driver’s licence full-head of hair. I said, “ I lost it to chemo therapy, for fighting my second fight with breast cancer.” These are your children mame?” “Yes sir, They are 2 and 4, they were only 1 and 3 when I was diagnosed this time.” “Did you see the huge signs mame, saying don’t turn left?” “ No sir, I was distracted, you can imagine I have a lot on my mind. I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.” “ Watch for the signs Mame, and good luck.” WHEW!!

Declined: I think because I haven’t over used my cancer card it hasn’t been declined. Though lately I’m finding it much harder to get babysitters when I want them on short notice, even when I’m paying them really well!

Crazy-Sexy Cancer

Crazy-Sexy Cancer

My Mom gave me the Book, “Crazy-Sexy Cancer” and I’ve been collecting some great quotes from this book that I’d like to share with you. This book is a great hand book and inspirational story for any young woman going through cancer ages 20-60:)

“Survivors are like teabags: You don’t know how strong we are until you dip us in Hot water!”

“By letting go it all gets done.” – Lao-Tzu, Taoist Sage
( My spin on this quote is this: “ Give everything over to God; now it’s His problem and His plan is always greater than my own.”- Feather Janz)

Billboard quote, featuring the “yummy” David Beckham, “IMPOSSIBLE is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given, than to explore the power they to change it. Impossible is an opinion, not a fact. Impossible isn’t a declaration, it’s a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.”
(My version of this quote is, “Nothing is impossible with God.”

Remove these words from your daily speech: maybe, sure, I don’t know, (and this is the best one) you decided.
Re-find your inner voice and verbalize it!

Faux Pas!

Dear friends: Don’t pity me or tell me you know how I feel; you don’t and I don’t expect you to!

Don’t say things like:
- You’re so brave!
- You poor thing.
- Bless your tender heart.
- I’ll pray for you ( and then you don’t, best bet is to pray for the person right then and there)
- Bless your tender heart.
- Whoa!! You’re F%@#*^#@%!!
What is someone suppose to say to those things in my position, Thank-you? Don’t worry? Are YOU okay? Give me a break!!!

Dear friends and acquaintances and family,
Don’t try to bond with me by telling me you know someone with cancer, too, and tey just died! It won’t bring us close.
(Also please don’t tell me about people who survived because they did this one miracle thing, when they don’t even have the cancer I have and you leave me feeling if I don’t do the one life saving thing they did, I’ll die for sure!! Keep it to yourself, especially if you smoke cigarettes!)

Quotes, “You are either a part of the solution or a part of the problem.”

“ The question isn’t who is going to let me;it’s who is going to stop me.”
- Ayn Rand

“While we have the gift of life, it seems to me that the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die-whether it is our spirit, our creativity, or our uniqueness.” – Gilda Radner

“ You can decide you’re going to learn something, but you don’t get to decide what.”

“There was a saying during WW!: “There are no atheists in foxholes.”
Cancer is a foxhole for most who get to have it.

People ask me if I live every moment and day like it could be my last, “Live like youa re dying.”; I suppose I do in someways, but it’s easier said than done, I still scream at idiot drivers and pout when my husband won’t share the remote.”

“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” – John Wayne

Playing the cancer card….I’ll write a whole part just dedicated to that topic!!